Letter to my old self
Ali Clifton
4/26/2025

Dear 16-year-old me,
Today, I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled.
When was the last time you did that?
You probably think I smiled because I could see my ribs, or because I lost ten pounds.
However, I’ve actually gained twenty-five pounds, and my ribs are well-hidden — but I smiled nonetheless.
You would not be proud of this, but you should be.
Today I am 135 pounds.
I can practically hear your gasp as you read that — the same weight you ran from, the weight you feared to see on the scale.
At 16, you are 110 pounds, yet I know that still doesn’t feel like enough.
At 140, your coach snickered about your weight, frowning when you stepped on the scale after Thanksgiving.
At 110, you got the same snickers — just in different fonts — with comments that you were withering away.
Remember when your wrestling coach said he was disappointed after you stepped on the scale and asked how much pie you ate at Thanksgiving?
But do you also remember when your coach said you were going to become nothing if you kept up the weight loss?
You can’t win when you rely on others’ comments and opinions.

Dearest me,
I remember your pain all too clearly.
I wish you could learn what I have.
I have learned to befriend the mirror, to let it reflect my beauty, and to embrace my flaws rather than critique them.
Be proud of me — for being free, for waking up with a smile because I have finally embraced myself with love and acceptance, rather than relying on others’ opinions and a silly scale.
Your weight does not define you.
I wish you had been told that earlier.

Gaining weight has been the best thing that has happened to me.
Don’t believe me? I’ll list it out for you:
I can enjoy food with my family and make fresh memories.

I have gotten faster at running because I am fueling myself!

I feel more confident.

I have gotten to try new foods that once scared me.

I don’t fear calories!

I wear a bikini with confidence.

I feel full of life!

I don’t get winded as easily.

I feel strong.

I can do pull-ups!

I have gotten to do more adventurous things and make more memories because I embrace life rather than focusing on the scale.

The journey to get here wasn’t easy.
I am nearly 21 years old (one month away — ahhh!), and I didn’t reach this point until I was 19.
Do not be hard on yourself.
It gets better.
It takes time, but you will get to this point.
One day, you will love yourself so much that you don’t even own a scale.
Be proud of me — not just for overcoming disordered eating, but for finding your passion.
You are about to go to graduate school for social work — you are going to change the world!
You are not going to become a professional runner, but you will compete competitively throughout undergrad, and you’ll learn that you are so much more than your sport.
Don’t worry — we are not going to give up running, but we are going to focus on making a difference in the world by helping people.
You still create big goals, and they are slowly coming to life.
Be proud of how far you have come.
Love,
Your older self

(62% style score)