I know how badly you want to disappear. I know you’re overwhelmed in a world so big and you just want to make yourself so small that you’re overlooked; to be tucked away, hidden from all of the trouble, the pain, the noise. You were never meant to be in a place this big. You were not meant to inhabit space like this.
When you were young, you’d tighten yourself into a compact version of yourself, tucked into something even smaller, like your toy box, or the closet, or in an empty bathtub. Hoping that if someone went searching, they’d never be able to find you.
You never wanted to die. Not like that, anyway. You just wanted to escape it all. You wanted to be kept warm and safe from the shouting and the screaming. You feel safest when you’re the smallest version of yourself that you can be. The word “claustrophobic” isn’t in your long list of fears.
Being so small that you’re overlooked. That’s always been the goal. No one sees you or expects anything from you. You’ve always tried to keep to yourself. Not let anyone be able to hurt you. Never sharing your needs with anyone, because then they’d realize that you’re a real person, who takes up space, who makes noise. They’d be less willing to deal with you if you decide to have a voice. If you don’t just sit back quietly and fit into whatever they’re doing, they won’t want to be near you. Spend time with you.
Why do you have a desire to not be a human being? Why do you want to be so small, so overlooked, so quiet? Are you afraid of disappointing people? Or are you afraid of another fight? You’d close your door, hide under your bed. And you’d cry and cry and cry. But you’d never make a sound.
You’re not that little girl anymore. You don’t have to be afraid of getting in the crosshairs. You don’t have to be afraid of living your life. You’re allowed to make some noise, you’re allowed to take up space. You don’t have to pretend you don’t want or need anything to keep people satisfied. You deserve to ask for what you need. You deserve to take up room. You deserve to be loud. You deserve to be happy.
So, to the girl who wished to be smaller, it’s time for you to spread out. It’s time for you to scream. And it’s time for you to accept and welcome the happiness you deserve. You’ve hidden for long enough. Now it’s time to be big.