There aren’t enough words to express or describe the amount of gratitude I give to myself. The amount of hardships and battles I had to face on my own and deal with consumed me as if someone was suffocating me to death. As a start, I mostly thank myself for slowly crawling my way through like a turtle to the finish line of finishing and completing my college degree. Being financially broke, struggling with money, having no job, and living with a parent while being a full-time online student. However, having so much support around me was the glue I needed to have the strength to see it through. I thank myself for continuously confronting death with those so close to me but silently dealing with the fact of thinking, who else will I lose someday? The way it suddenly hits me hard at certain moments is like an ocean wave crashing to shore as a result of a hurricane. My grandfather, my Godmother, my Great Aunt, my cousin; all people who I’ve recently lost and have devastated me. I thank myself for coming to terms with the mistakes I’ve made which make me stronger. No one on this Earth is perfect, but like a phoenix, I continuously rise from the ashes. I thank myself for not bottling up my heart and giving love a second chance when I was afraid. Knowing I made mistakes, but the man I love did too, and bad things occurred. In the end, if you still are deeply in love with that person, what’s stopping you? A love that feels so true and so rare is hard to find, like a diamond in a mine, and I will do anything to protect the love I have for my special someone. I thank myself for gaining more confidence in myself no matter how I look. To glance at my reflection at my most vulnerable each day in the mirror and say ‘I am beautiful’ with a smile on my face. Finally, I thank myself for not giving up and persistently working hard by pushing myself to do better. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel, and I try to keep it in my mind to see it through to the end. As a whole, a quote from Harry Potter, spoken by Albus Dumbledore, is something I’ll always live by as long as I try, “Happiness can be found even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.” Thank you me, thank you for everything this year you’ve shown me.

I have always considered myself a poet at heart, so it would have felt easier for me to write a poem on this. However, it’s a challenge – therefore, I approach things differently when challenged. Why not think more outside of the box this time? Poems can be interpreted a thousand different ways – this letter is designed to be rather straightforward.
See, writing was always sort of a secret or maybe even subconscious outlet for me to release my inner most thoughts without anyone’s judgement. Also, the love and thrill of falling into the fantasy of something. Even if every human on Earth failed or bored me – that next interesting page still awaits. If I open it up. It can become borderline secretive if you allow it. A secret weapon in my eyes. Like a smart superpower if you will.
My beloved grandmother always told me that if I kept reading & writing it would keep my brain active and smarter, however I never pursued anything in life (at least anything worthwhile in my opinion) that had anything to do with writing. I still somehow kept it in my back pocket. I could type plenty of information on a computer, but does that really fulfill my soul? No. I coasted off other accomplishments, admired other writers & collected a nifty bookshelf over the years.
Here comes the mushy part. Clearly, I spent a lot of years in my life being shy as well as trying to fill my soul with things that were superficial. I would write or make a cool project, but then allow life to get in the way of what really made me truly happy inside. I didn’t like the attention on me, nor did I want rejection – so given the fact I never had any sort of degree or experience I continued to keep things in and just go about my little life.
The real shift came when I experienced serious loss in my family and started suffering mentally as well as physically. Every life trauma I ever experienced started to bleed out of me, preventing me from even functioning. We all know that 2020 was also a strange year and everyone had plenty of time on their hands as well. But in this case for me, something had to be done.
I started writing stories and poems, looking back through old diaries and books, reading different authors, listening to frequencies that helped my brain, taking tips and notes and meditating. Next thing you know I had tons of followers on social media and I’m writing on a consistent basis. I realized …. Why was I always holding back so much? I allowed my insecure fear to block me this WHOLE time. I am a writer! Who is to tell me I’m not? I may not have books published yet or be famous but my Higher Power & signs all from all over the Universe are throwing it right in my face. I just must keep trying to master this art. That’s all.
Then one night I sat with my son who is an avid hockey and baseball player. We watched Derek Jeter’s documentary. Everything I just wrote about in the previous paragraph helped reiterate to me that I wasn’t crazy, and then Lauren Brill and the Unsealed started easily giving me another platform to write and share my stories for so many people to read. Who cares if it’s perfect? It’s art, it is beautiful! It’s for people to read, drift and make their souls feel good.
You don’t necessarily have to wake up one day and be the best at something. But if you get up every day and tell yourself you’re going to do it, put your mind to it and stay consistent- then chances are you will be successful – somehow, someway. At least that’s the way I’m looking at it. I’m on my way to being a new self-published author. So, this is the thank you not only to all my inspirations but to ME for doing that. Changing my perspective, sacrificing certain habits and remaining resilient, consistent and patient is the only way this could ever and will happen.
So sincerely again, thank you Kelly.

Dear Blue,

I feel grateful that I am not in an attitude of gratitude all the time. Feeling gratitude for all of the horrific trauma that I have experienced does not make me stronger. Trauma actually makes me weaker.

By feeling my feelings exactly as they are, not how I wish I felt, I am making room for the discomfort and facilitating my healing from those traumatic memories.

Every day I choose to feel the challenging emotions, I get one day closer to gratitude that does not feel as if I am betraying my true feelings. One day at a time.

As I inch closer to a feeling of authentic gratitude, I release the deep breath that I did not realize consumed every molecule of my being.

I feel grateful for finally being able to breathe easily, even if for a moment, because I am one moment away from feeling gratitude for the ways I have coped over the years.

The dissociation kept me safe while I was experiencing the trauma. I feel grateful for this now-maladaptive coping skill because I am not plagued with so many gut-wrenching memories as I could have endured.

I miss the life I could have had if the trauma had not overtaken me against my will. I know I could have made a greater impact on the world.

I feel grateful that it is not too late for me to leave a footprint on the hearts of everyone I meet. I may feel weaker because of my trauma. That does not mean I have to be down for the count for the rest of my life.

While I may not feel grateful for a while, this break will allow me to process my emotions.

There are multiple paths to recovery, and none of them are straight. I choose the path that gives me many places to sit and rest.

There is no recovery without rest. I feel grateful that I can sit and rest without having to feel grateful all the time.

I’m grateful for your laugh.
I’m grateful for your smile.
It’s been a perplexing year, but you’ve made it worthwhile.

I’m grateful for your willingness to never give up.
I’m grateful for your strength when times get tough.

I’ve built the courage to do things I normally wouldn’t do.
I played a small part, but I’d like to personally thank you!

Thank you for helping my heart shine through when I struggled to be at my best.
Thank you for allowing me to learn more about myself when my heart was put to the ultimate test.

It’s pretty cool to know that I’ve been a reflection of you all this time.
You’ve been a true friend I can always count on when I felt like my life wasn’t mine.

Thank you for helping me fall in love with who I am despite all my flaws.
Life was scary without you before, but now I happily stand tall.

I don’t know if I should laugh or cry because I’ve been through so much.
I promise to give it my all this time, even when things feel out of touch.

I won’t always show up at my best, but I feel better knowing you understand.
You’re my forever safe space, and I’ll always choose you to hold my hand.

In a way, it’s bittersweet because I never saw this coming!
Looks like you and I are finally on the brink of something.

Thanks again for helping me see the brighter side of life, even when I didn’t feel so free.
I’m so grateful to have someone on my side who loves me just for me.

Thanks to you, I can be vulnerable and express myself, free of shame.
You’re the greatest gift of all, a genuine best friend who shares my name.

Alexis, you’re perfect just the way you are. Don’t ever change!
You taught me how to value myself in the most humbling way.

As a human being I am passionate about life and all living creatures. I don’t watch the news. It saddens me. Some wars we will never win, it’s the harsh realities of life. At the end of the day, we all stand for something. Being closed off from negativity that doesn’t serve a purpose for my soul is the way I protect my spirit. Many times it’s the way I cope with any hurt or adversity I face. My closest friends know this about me and never push.
We seem to know more about celebrities lives than we do about our planet, our family members and/or our neighbors. We seem to care more about the value of a dollar than we do about humanity as a whole- on the real, I love money. It smells so good, although I am beyond cognizant that the core importance in life cannot be bought. Not friendships, not a close knit family, not love, not loyalty, not time and certainly not life.
I don’t know if my “radio silent” copping mechanism is really the best way (for others) to get to a positive place, but it works for me. I know when I need a time out.
As we all go through struggles, learning curves and wins in life- remember your journey. It builds you, your character. I am not perfect -never portray myself to be, but one thing is for sure, I do my best to be a decent human being. Many times I fall short- many times I exceed my expectations. At the end of the day we all have a choice about how we want to live.
I hope that who ever reads this, takes time to self evaluate, recognize your manageable flaws, do things in life that you’ll never regret, find your peace and happiness, but most of all, I hope that if you ever see any type of injustice, don’t be an observer. Stand for what’s right, believe in something greater and it’s ok not to know what that is. Knowing takes work. It takes rewiring your brain to put yourself first in an effort to build your confidence, to balance out the good with the bad. It takes years of repetition to refine yourself to your personal satisfaction. We all are in this labyrinth together. Some of us will excel in life and some of us will be content with living at a comfortable pace. Whatever you choose, make sure it’s what you want. Don’t judge people for their short comings or errors, those are their lessons, at the same time be cautious of the company you keep.
Keep your heart open, no matter what you’ve been through, the truth is, love is the reward of living. You are your own composer. Be grateful, don’t take any thing for granted – one day you’re going too look back and realize those “failures” built your solid foundation. Don’t litter and don’t waste food. (Lol)
Forgive, love, live and don’t cut yourself short~ Yolo

“You are the light- what you seek is fire”~
Sparked

i see the manger
By: Jim Kellogg
(The Queer Poet)
11-15-24
(a great day — seeing the manger for the “first” time)

i see the manger
through the eyes of…
the broken
shards of glass
stuck in their eyes
blood-red tears streaming down
their faces

i see the manger
through the eyes of…
the refugees
no place to call home
just like the holy family
far beyond
a strange new world

i see the manger
through the eyes of…
the queer
rainbow blood
flowing through their veins
are they a part
of the covenant

i see the manager
through the eyes of…
the abused
battered bodies
battered souls
battered spirits

i see the manger
through the eyes of…
the poor
the ones without
i was naked
i was hungry
i was sick

I see the manger
through the eyes of…
the illiterate
those who cannot
for whatever reason
closed minds
vulnerable minds

i see the manger
through the eyes of…
the “unclean”
deemed so
by the plaster prophets
and the pew warmers
hypocrites

i see the manager
through the eyes of…
the children
laughter
tears
wonder
pain

i see the manager
through the eyes of…
the words
spoken
sang
signed
left unsaid

i see the manger
through the eyes of…
the shade of gray
the in between
fresh perspectives
blended thoughts
the impolitically correct

i see the manger
through the eyes of…
the marginalized
those on the edge
no way in
no way out
trapped

i see the manager
through the eyes of…
revelation
shaking with
sadness
joy
hope

i see the manger
though the eyes of…
the mighty counselor
the son of god
the everlasting father
the prince of peace
god with us

One of the best moments of
2024 for me, was that time
I decided to open Up
And be a Lil vulnerable.
Felt nervous but comfortable.
As we sat at a table eating lunch,
I let her read my
{Broken or Broke in} poem.
Opened me up more,
Pretty soon I started reading aloud.
Feeling high in the clouds,
The feeling was “unique”.
The way she sounds when she speaks
Had me expressing more
Freely & frequently.
I just wanted to hear that
Specific frequency.
So grateful for that moment
Of vulnerability.

Dear Beloved One,

Thank you for all you’ve done
To keep me here above the grave.
Even when sweet death you craved.
You proved stronger than they thought,
All who left you in a spot.
They gave up long ago,
But your heart they didn’t know.

Inside you burns a fire,
Always blazing as others tire.
It fights all the hellhounds
Trying to run you to the ground.
And when the light dims and wanes
You feed it with great pains.

The sorrow that grew inside your soul,
The depression that kept you in a hole
Were no match for your mighty spirit.
Brave you fought, ‘though you feared it.
Exhausted, you still stay awake
To vanquish the demons in your wake.

How hard you worked and toiled
To get your gears well oiled
For defense against each coming night,
To expose the ghosts in hidden sight.
So, you slipped back several times.
You’ve paid dues for all your crimes.

Let go of guilt nagging you.
You did all that you could do.
You saved yourself, but not them all.
Too quickly did some fall.
No one blames you for your survival.
We can only launch our own revival.

They may stay blind, but I see
Your fervent efforts and tenacity.
You’ve labored to the barest bones
To survive and find much brighter tones.
After every stumble, you rise anew.
For this, again, I thank you.

Sincerely,

You and me

This year began with me lost and confused,
Ignoring God’s calls, his voice infused:
“It’s time to heal, to let go, to break free,
Release what no longer serves, and set boundaries.”

Each time I smiled at my reflection’s view,
The truth inside whispered, “I see through you.”
I kept running, avoiding his steady plea,
Until isolation season sat me down to see.

Face to face with the shadows I’d flee,
For the first time in my life, I discovered me.
No longer bound by others’ demand,
I took my healing into my own hands.

This year’s ride has been a twisting road,
A Rollercoaster of weight and soul unbowed.
Through tears, I’ve released what held me confined,
Through breath, I’ve found peace and time to realign.

A spiritual journey, a path I now tread,
2024 brought the tears that needed to be shed.
It brought me closer to truth, closer to peace,
This year, I discovered a version of me unleashed.

Thank you for not giving up. I know for many of you readers saying thank you to yourself is easy. Stay with me and read a brief snippet of my so-called life, and then you decide if I deserve to be thanking myself. At some point in time, everyone feels as though the deck of cards is stacked against them. Today’s story is from a defining moment at the age of 12. Only after finding out from a relative that my life as I knew it was a lie. I am the middle of three kids, yet I had a different dad. I had 12 years of lies to sort through, so naturally, my first reaction was to run away from home. Only 10 blocks away, to at the time, a person I thought would be a lifelong friend. At 12 years old, I did not understand the concept of medication and what is necessary to overdose. I tried to take a handful of my antidepressants, which I was on because of the mental illness that plagues my family. Only to open my eyes a few hours later. Laying upon the outdated, hard yet carpeted floor of my best friend’s bedroom. My head felt like someone took a sledgehammer to a raw egg. The haze and the cloudy vision was a bonus. I thought about my mom and how hard it must have been to keep that secret all those years. After throwing my preteen melodramatic fit, I returned home after a week. Now, keep in mind my mom knew where I was the entire time. The best way to understand something is to ask questions. Unfortunately, the only answers I got were that it was for your own good; he is a drug addict and was not fit to raise a kid. I had to give my mom the benefit of the doubt. Mainly because unable to confirm any of the information with the person known to me as a face on a picture. I had to believe that what my mom was telling me was the truth. My thank you to myself stems from these events in my preteen years. Thank you for not giving up on believing in yourself. Despite everyone who was supposed to be there for you, have been lying to you your entire life. Thank you for not letting the lies of your childhood keep you from being extraordinary. Thank you for looking past the lies from your mother and forgiving her. Thank you for not giving up then or ever again. Thank you for not letting the biggest lie of your childhood dictate your future.

Dear Unsealers:

Dobar dan iz Dubrovnika!

It’s the afternoon of Friday, October 11th, 2024.

I’m walking along the city walls surrounding the old town of Dubrovnik. With each stick tap and every step, I can see more and more of the Adriatic Sea. The old town of the city is on the horizon. Red roofs as far as the eye can see.

This is the last day of a ten-day trip to Croatia. I don’t want to go back to NYC.

I’ve seen a bit of everything as we’ve moved along.

From the urban sprawl of the capital city in Zagreb. Gritty, quirky, and fiercely proud of its place in the Balkans. The shades of gray in the sky didn’t stop the sightseeing. From the Stone Gate to the Zagreb Cathedral, there are still signs of damage from the earthquake in 2020. To the Lotrščak Tower with a canon that fires every day at exactly noon. And the local delicacy, a cheese-filled pastry named Strukli complements all the pivo and lamb on offer.

A mishap happened during our tour of the Plitvice Lakes National Park. I nearly lost one of my hiking sticks in the lake but was able to recover it One step at a time, I was able to navigate the 2.5 mile hike in the rain.

As the trip moved on, the gray skies of the continent gave way to the coastal portions.

From Split and its starring role as the backdrop for Game of Thrones to departing the mainland for the island of Hvar. The moonlit skies in the harbor overlooking our hotel, with the islands of Brac and Korcula on the far horizon.

Here we are in Dubrovnik. It’s every bit as scenic as my mind thought it would be. The city walls surround the old town, tiled streets, and views of boats in the harbor leading excursions out to the other islands off the coast.

Thirty-eight of us are in this group, and I’m the only solo traveler. As in previous trips, I didn’t let that fact deter me from befriending the group. Everyone’s been so kind to me, especially our tour guide Nikoleta.

I released my first poetry book while this trip happened, “A Poetic Journey, Staying At Home” and to my wonder and amazement, everyone took a liking to me and to my poetry. In fact, there’s a bit of a surprise during the farewell dinner later this evening.

I was worried that there would be a letdown after the epic trip to Greece the year before. But thankfully, that didn’t materialize. This was a fast-paced trip, and I enjoyed every minute once I touched down in Zagreb.

I was able to forget the delayed flight to Munich from JFK and the fact that I missed my connection to Zagreb. When you have views of the Adriatic in front of you as I do, all the negativity gets pushed aside and the joy is what remains.

It’ll be tough to say zbogom Hrvatska!
But I leave Croatia in awe of this country and all of its beauty.

I hope to be back again soon, as there’s so much more to explore.

Breathe, Corazon. You lived. Covered in bruises, scratches, tears and blood. The mirror may not recognize your swollen face, but I do. Your scrambled thoughts still scream an echo of days and nights of sleepless horrors, cold stares, inhuman screams from human lips, and unfeeling souls. Turn down the noise. You lived. You crawled on hands and knees in innumerable pairs of clothes, countless phones in your hands to call for help before they were shattered, and handfuls of long hair ripped out on your way to nondescript cars trying to flee…and you did. You lived. Forgive yourself for going back, for leaving again, for climbing out of hell only to go back. This life would be empty without you, so I thank you for putting that bottle of pills and alcohol down. I thank you for doing what you needed to do to make yourself stronger to survive in world that values insignificant skills that mean nothing on freezing nights and to starving bellies. Thank you for living on the days when the darkness would have you drain the blood from your veins, or swallow a bullet. Thank you for battling the wave of nightmarish memories that rage to rip you from the dull monotony and out of the lives of people who tell you to “just smile”. Thank you Corazon. Because without you I could not survive. Thank you beautiful soul…

Ninety nine bottles of torture on the fall
I pick one up
Pass another round

Again darkness rides
I twinkle, glow n shine

Delicate soul, fragile heart
Shattered bones, creating art

Chewed up, spat out
Bread crumbs
I find my way about

For no one knows the ache that resides
A beautiful cover as assigned

Sealed with wishes
Thank you for your stitches

The torture of ninety nine bottles
Hello Role Model
Kisses

Dear Lyndsey,

I know it hasn’t been easy for you! Life has been far from simple—a rollercoaster that began when you turned 18. You were a child having a child, and your emotions were all over the place. Do you remember your senior year at a private Catholic high school? People would walk down the hall, whispering, staring, and spreading hateful rumors. You shed so many tears as you laid your lonely head down at night.

The father of your unborn child was in the Navy, stationed four hours away in Virginia Beach. You felt so alone in Laurel, Maryland, going through this life-changing pregnancy by yourself. Yes, you had your parents, but it wasn’t the same. You could see the disappointment in their eyes. You understood their feelings, but you still felt like an isolated planet in the sky. The future looked different for you; you had to give up your dreams of attending college in North Carolina or Virginia.

Then, something wonderful happened in the middle of your pregnancy: you fell in love with the idea of being a mom. Despite your fears, that love only grew. When you had your baby girl, the gleam in your eyes shone bright, and your smile lit up the room. I was so proud of you. At just eighteen, you were taking on the world of motherhood, and you were so brave.

This would not be the only time in your life that you showed bravery. You loved being a mom and a wife. You married your child’s father, but sadly, he ended up cheating on you and hurting you both physically and emotionally. You endured that for two years, but then you found the courage to leave.

For many years, you struggled with love. Through failed marriages, heartbreaks, and financial challenges, your inner strength emerged. What did you do with the lessons from those heartbreaks? Let me remind you! You wrote a poem about domestic violence and launched it on a domestic violence resource help page, where other women shared their stories and where resources were available for help. This powerful poem was read at many open mics, published, and spread around colleges to raise awareness for domestic violence.

Amid all the chaos in your life, you brought three beautiful children into the world, and they are successful in both academics and life! Even when faced with instability in your romantic life, being a mother always came first. You built a strong career in education, tirelessly giving back as an educator for special needs students. You are driven by faith, perseverance, strength, and courage.

You never stopped believing in love and the goodness of humanity. Now, at 45 years old, you own your own home, providing a safe space for you and your kids. You are facing yet another battle on your own, but guess what? The world can’t knock you down. You prioritized your mental health by seeking therapy, rediscovered who you are, and became your biggest advocate. You are stronger than ever.

Also, congratulations on your second book! You are an amazing warrior, and I can’t wait to see how this new chapter in your life unfolds!

With admiration,