I apologize for making you hate yourself. For making you feel unworthy. For making you feel lost. For making you believe you were undeserving of love and friendship. For subjecting you to heartbreak and betrayal. For ignoring the signs.

I apologize for all the times I didn’t protect you. For ignoring your gut when it said, Get out of here. For allowing people to use you and throw you away. For never listening when you said, I want to leave. For never acknowledging the things people said and did to keep the peace, while you were the one in fear.

I apologize for not telling you that you were beautiful. For picking you apart in the mirror. For trying to shrink your nose with makeup and make your skin look lighter. For not appreciating your brown eyes, for trying to hide them with contacts. For hating your lips, tucking them when you spoke. For hating your body, forcing you to eat when you weren’t hungry just so you’d look like every other Black girl you saw.

I apologize for making you feel like you had to work for love. Like who you were wasn’t enough. Like your worth was attached to what you did. Like saying no was a flaw. Like you were only as great as what you could give to others.

I apologize for trying to force friendships and relationships on you. For trying to make you fit in. For making you adapt to every environment. For making you transform into whatever version pleased those around you. For making you change your voice. For making you shrink yourself.

I regret to inform you that as you got older, it got worse. I didn’t learn as soon as I should have. I still latched onto people who didn’t deserve your time or your space. I tried to let go of people who showed they didn’t love you. I tried to walk away, but unfortunately, our heart is too big to be unforgiving. I am still learning how not to let it be broken. I even tried to take pills and let you rest once. Please don’t be mad at me. I promise I am trying.

I know in my heart one day we will get there, but until then, I want you to know that I have learned to hold onto you a little tighter. I have accepted that being alone isn’t always a bad thing. There are people who exist who will love you. There are days that are brighter than others. And those dark days, they don’t last that long.

I’ve learned that you are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to have opinions. You are allowed to feel, and you have a right to expression. You are not insignificant. You matter, even on the days it feels like you don’t. Remember that Jesus died for you too. You meant just as much to Him on the cross as everyone else. I know you can’t see it yet, and sometimes I still have a hard time seeing it, but it’s true.

I promise going forward that I will protect you. I will tell you that you are beautiful. I will not make you work for love. I will not force relationships and friendships. I promise I will always love you. I know it’s not something you’re used to hearing, but I do love you. Even if nobody else ever loves you, I do. And I will fight for you forever.