Dear younger me , I understand now that it wasn’t personal. My father’s love felt performative, meaning if i did not get good grades I felt like he did not love me. I get it education is important, but him criticizing me did not help me one bit. It lowered my self confidence, but that is how he grew up, I suppose, and he did not have the mental and emotional capacity to change. As i got older and started getting exposure to how people actually communicate, i can see my confidence rise. All those dark times in my room ruminated about the pass now i look at the past as a lesson, not a life sentence. No longer dwelling or hyper focusing on what happened but being present with loved ones who loved me when i was not feeling lovable. Closed off emotionally, i did not even know how to show love to those who loved me until recently. I felt it but couldn’t express it, or perhaps I feared it wouldn’t be reciprocated. Often times thought about what if i ran away then the voice of the higher power said not today? Started practicing gratitude and it changed my attitude, no longer seeing life with my victim mentality views. The pain has been melting away for the longest time i suffered with shame but now i find a different way to cope with the highs and lows. Pouring into myself and it feels good, you see. A lesson for anyone with similar upbringing to me, “others’ perception of you, has nothing to do with me”.

 Sincerely the person you prayed for to be one day