The house where everyone is welcome
With the typical leave with your bellies full & endless laughing
Yet I’m the one always eager to leave
I cannot endure any longer
My feet, my poor feet that bleeds
From the eggshells on which I’m walking
High on the clouds where my thoughts are always roaming
I may as well be as high as the 3rd floor
Yet my room is away from all others
It’s the only way I can get peace & quiet anymore

Even my nervous system is dysregulated
The world is dark
Wanting to paint my walls black to match
My insides tainted black & blue blue & black
I’m looking on the wrong side of the fence
Yet this house is far from that white picket it seems we’ve all dreamt
With so much angst
And so much depression that surrounds
The creaks in the floor might as well make no sound
There’s crying
There’s yelling
Yet this house holds a silence that’s never escaping
With a big backyard & a pool so befitting
Or sitting in my room alone
I’m actually a poor swimmer
So to say I was drowning in chaos I do intend literally

What makes this house a home
Is it that brand new kitchen
The one where a meal is shared
Yet eating in company I feel sickened
I should be grateful
With this marble table
and shiny new appliances
With the kitchen being the soul of the home
Yet I heat up my food
& it never seems to not be cold

The basement has seen games & laughter
As has the rest of this house
For me it’s trapped in the memories thereafter
I can’t remember when I’ve last seen it empty
How odd, how opposite
What would’ve resembled the emptiness inside
Is mirrored back with the piles of clutter
Clutter here, there
Oh the trouble we get in
From it never being clean
Yet somehow items getting bought
Buying & buying

A clean home is said to give you mental clarity
For when there’s mess all around
It may be because it’s reflecting mental organization that’s not to be found
Sadly, I’ve learned to detach from this house
Here clutter, there clutter
If it was clean, I wonder would I then feel any better I wonder

I’ve gone back to this house
The one where it does not feel like home
It’s now foreign to me
Yet it’s the place I’ve grown up & known
I’ve felt myself in a trance
For a while could only see those unfortunate flashbacks
I don’t want to live here again
It seems that fun, innocent childhood I could’ve had has come to an end

Leaving the front door for the final time
I never looked back
As we get older & reminisce
We want to own our childhood home
A feeling I’m afraid I will always lack