Dear Odyssey,

On December 13, 2021, you became a part of my life. A symbol of independence and the beginning of a long healing journey. This journey would many ups and really dark downs, but it has shaped me into the person who I am today. I would not be that person if I did not take that first step on that December day to purchase you.

Around 8:45 AM on that day, I was declared free from my abusive marriage. It had taken years to become free, which also involved having to relearn how to be independent and what it meant to love myself. With leaving the courthouse, I had to lose the van that I knew as mine because my now ex-husband’s name being present on the title of the van, and given the SUV, which had my name on it. With the overwhelming feeling of defeat as I watched my favorite van drive away with what was my life for five years, I knew I needed to get a fresh start, and fast. I went straight to a car dealership with my now-poor credit and praying to be approved for anything, and then I saw you. A black van that had the same space as my previous one-not nearly as nice, but it would be one thing that the other van could never be-fully mine. With some miracle, I drove off the lot with you, gleaming with pride and the hope that I could do this on my own-that quickly changed.

With just getting out of this abusive marriage, I did not realize what other abusive relationships I had involved myself in. Where I was currently living-the main reason I needed a van to begin with- was not the best place to find myself or work on healing. If anything, it created many more small wounds that built up to the demise of you and I. I was mainly taking care of three children from the start of the morning until they fell asleep. I would drive them to appointments, events, the store, and even take them every Sunday to where their parents could have an entire date day to themselves. One kiddo also struggled to fall asleep without being driven around for a minimum of thirty minutes, to sometimes ninety minutes. This became my favorite part of the day-it was my chance to escape. I could roll down the windows and let the summer air in while listening to my music for a change. I would get to feel my emotions that I bottled up from that day and from continuously being a pawn. It got to the point I began dreading the drive to the house because I knew our time was up, and I would get lectured passive-aggressively about why it took so long to get the kiddo to sleep. I was so tired of the fighting. Eventually, I would find any reason to get out of the house-even if that meant taking all the children with me. This continued to lead to more and more fights, creating more self-hate for not being good enough, and eventually led to a dark time.

I found different ways to cope with the pain that I was going through-drinking, self-harm, and eventually, adultery. I had become so numb that I was no longer thinking about consequences but how to get rid of the pain this very instant. One night, my best friend’s husband, who I was staying with, made a pass, and I did not stop it. This became a new way to cope with the pain- I mean, I already thought I was a piece of shit, so why not? On January 27, 2023, my best friend found out about the affair. Rightfully so, I was told to grab a trash bag, put whatever belongings it could fit, take the car seats out of my car, and never come back. I felt the consequences of my actions in trying to numb immediately. Not being able to see the now four faces of those children that I have loved and losing everything was a major wake- up call. But it was you and me-it was what I had been asking for all along, right? So we drove to a grocery store parking lot, grabbed my favorite bottle of vodka that I could chug, and were ready to end it all. I found my trusted knife that has helped me numb the pain for the past few years and was ready to say my goodbyes. Since I only had one friend left, the goodbyes would not take super long, so the chugging began. After a few hours of talking with that one friend, he showed me that there was more to keep fighting for, so we did. I lived with you for a few days until a got to courage to reach out to my sister to stay with her. Everything was looking up again, and then you took a turn for the worse.

A few months after moving in with my sister, issues started, and I could not save you. It took me some time to find the right time to say goodbye to you, and I did not realize how much of an impact you had on my healing journey. You were there to show me I could be independent. You were there for me through the high times and the low times. Now, as I am watching you go onto the back of the towing truck, hurt is all I feel. Like I am losing a part of me when, in reality, you were the last thing that I was holding onto from my past. So, even though this goodbye is difficult, it is necessary for me to continue to grow. So, thank you for everything you have helped me through. I never thought a broken, over- looked van would be what helped save me, but they always say broken things are beautiful too, and I now understand that.
Love,
Ashley

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