Major Depressive Disorder, alongside PTSD
A lifetime constant
The deterioration of one’s previous self
The giddy children once playing
Now the sorrowful adults
Held back by the mind, unable to heal
Getting drained by the leeches

The hospital had changed me
The person I was for eighteen years,
Eventually, and slowly, faded away

The emotions of dullness and nothingness,
A constant reminder at the despairing life I lived
The deafening waves cast a shadow upon me
The waves hoard the feelings that disable me
Incapable of betterment until the leeches were pulled off
Pulled off by the nurses, medication, and group sessions

The month long stench of bed-rotting,
Gets washed away by the non-hangable shower head
Using soap that dried out, yet exfoliated my skin
The oils and color washing out of my hair and onto the shower pan
Changing into a new set of paper thin clothes
I didn’t feel refreshed or clean – just exhausted
Yet, this was the first time I felt somewhat at peace in over a year

The wires of my brain got violently rearranged
Replaced and sparked in me
Latching onto what was left from before
I begin to see the seraphs reaching upon me
Lifting me up to the light they casted upon my shadows

The shadows I did not create,
But brought upon me as a child
Once my solace for myself,
Yet truly a prison that I had built

The seraphs began to change who I was,
Acting out the wishes of the holy
The seraphs are nothing, and yet everything,
They lifted me up at my lowest yet never existed to begin with
Never believing in Christ,
I witness the judgement casted down upon me as a child
And the forgiveness as an adult

I believe there are gods, but they don’t affect our lives
However, an act caused me to get sent to the doctor’s office,
To get sent to the emergency room,
To the Purple Zone,
To the Behavioral Health Unit.

This changed who I am today but not who I was
I, the broken porcelain, became a work of kintsugi
My life became a piece displaying wabi-sabi
The art of changing something broken into beauty
The art of imperfections
The beauty of the scars left on me, highlighted in gold

The once prepredicted obituary now voided,
Lost in the abyss of our pasts
Now become the celebrations of future life
New joys
New love
New passions
A new chance at life