Dear Past Me,

People have used you as a pawn- a stepping stone for their own story; Used at their convenience, disregarding the consequences for you. This started early on and has been an ongoing thing. It never happened with people you did not know-they were all trusted. It was a best friend, a teacher, a coworker, and a loved one. Having your trust broken so many times, you believed you did not deserve to be loved for all of you.

You tried speaking up the first couple of times, but when you were told that it did not really happen, you made yourself believe it wasn’t that bad. Each time it happened, your self-esteem plummeted to an all-time low. The questions of why were you not good enough and what you did to deserve this began playing repeatedly as your anthem. The screams and the agony woke you up throughout the night so often that you did not want to fall asleep. You felt desperate for someone to see your pain, so you made the scars visible. The weight of the world continued to pull you down lower and lower until you wanted to break. It’s a never-ending nightmare that is engraved in your brain.

You will learn tough lessons every day, regardless of whether or not you have them scheduled: how to become vulnerable, uncomfortable in the quiet, and how to recognize that the past version of you is not the enemy. Despite these terrible memories, they have become a necessary key to who you are today. It will become natural for you to no longer apologize for existing. The tolerance for gas-lighting is minimal, your self-worth and esteem are continuing to grow, and the ability to see through people’s deception has improved.

You will continue to look for someone to be proud of the hell you have survived. The ultimate lesson for you will be you are your biggest cheerleader. You must be proud of yourself, because it is no one else’s responsibility to do so. This does not come as an effortless task, but as a reward to yourself. A prize that you have fought so many years to achieve.

Let me finish by saying this. I am proud of what you have overcome when no one would believe you; That you continued to fight to heal those invisible wounds that were so visible to you. Pride would not acknowledge the strength and courage it has taken you to continue fighting when you wanted so often to give up. The screams that you thought no one could hear- I hear them- and I will continue to fight for you. The pain that you endured for so long will not go in vain. You will find someone who accepts you for who you are, and you can finally let your light shine. It is worth the hell you are going through now. One day, you will see that.

Love,

Future You

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