I remember you like a bad dream. I know I can never completely get rid of you, no matter how much I’ve regretted you and wished you away. Of all the pieces to my puzzle, you are the ugliest one. But I have realized that no matter how much I hate the past, it doesn’t change. There is no amount of regret or shame that can will you out of existence. You will forever be a part of me. I am learning how to be grateful for you; how to forgive you. I know that if not for you, I would not be who I am today.

What you allow time and experience to teach you will lead you to a new life, a new version of you. A couple of years down the road from the hole you live in now, you will experience a loss and a life-change that will shake you to your core. Your life will reach a boiling point, and something will force your awakening. You will come to realize your strength, your capability, and your worth, but not without suffering. Suffering will be your greatest teacher.

It’s hard to look back on who I was; who you are. A young girl so desperate for direction and love that she would do anything she could to have it, even if it was just an illusion. A girl so desperate for the approval of others, that you have not bothered to look inward for the love you can offer yourself. A girl so stuck in her own victimhood that you are blind to all the power you hold. Yet, this version of me that you are will take me exactly where I need to go.

A harsh and beautiful realization you will come to is that no one cares and nothing matters. No one is coming to save you. No one is coming to teach you how to live and there will never be a guidebook to life handed to you. It’s all on you, and hey, if you mess up, no one will care that much about it in the long run. The most important thing is that you are true to yourself; that your life is wholeheartedly yours. With all the mistakes, failures, and lessons, this story is yours to tell.

When I tell my story now, I look back on you and hold space to love you just as you are. While I have spent time wishing you never existed, I know you are as crucial a part as any to my unfolding story. I will love you hard enough for the both of us. I look forward to the next version of myself, the one who will look back on the me I am today and carry me with her. She will carry both of us with her, and she will love and forgive the both of us. It is in this evolution that we will be able to reach our highest potential, and all the versions of us will rest in harmony with each other.

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