My Dearest Past Self,

I remember you, my sweet girl… It is with my deepest condolences that you no longer exist in my world, but without you, I would not have grown into who I am today. The lessons you taught me will stay with me forever. I know you are feeling down, alone, helpless, and weak. The darkness that you feel consuming you right now feels overwhelming, but you are not alone. 2020 was a tough time for not only you but for many around you, but the bottles that you constantly turn to are not the answer. You are probably drunk, drinking or passed out from your last binge right now… It’s okay. I know it feels right, and you try to say it’s ‘fun’ but it’s just a slow downward spiral that you have to fight to get yourself out of. The overindulgence feels right, but nothing is being solved. It’s even difficult to look at yourself in the mirror because you don’t recognize the person in the reflection. The work to heal within will get you farther, without being under the influence 24/7. Your mother and those close to you are worried about you… for good reason too. It feels overwhelming and dramatic because you still think that you are in control. The judgements from the ones you love most make you feel at an all-time low. You’ve isolated yourself more because you think if they don’t see you that way, then they do not have to worry about you, right? Wrong. They just want the best for you, even if you don’t right now. I know you are struggling and believe life sucks, but it doesn’t and it will get better. This cycle feels never ending, but with your strength that you will discover soon, you can gain control and end this cycle. The light at the end of the tunnel seems nonexistent, but baby girl, it is there waiting for you. One day you will get there, and it will shine as bright as you allow it to be. Life is strenuous. It comes with multiple highs and lows, but that is part of the journey and growing into a responsible adult. You have to be responsible for yourself and gain control. Hard boundaries seem difficult and out of reach, but with effort a day at a time and the will to heal and love yourself, it will become second nature. 

There are some choices you’ve made at this time that I am still dealing with, but again, we are now better because of it. Life as an adult has real consequences; it’s not like when you’re a teenager and walk off with a slap on the wrist. There must be accountability and an answer for your mistakes… and yes, it sucks, but that’s the world we live in. You are absolutely capable of overcoming this and more. I believe in you and know that you can accomplish all you put your mind to. You have the authority over yourself to choose to do what is right and wrong and honey, autonomy is something that you taught me to value so much more!

I want you to know I am proud of you for not giving up. Keep striving for better and know that you are never alone. There are resources that are available to you and people who can and will help you. There are people who will accept and love you for all that you are and all that you are not. Everyone has a story and there is no reason to feel ashamed. More people relate to you than you may think. Stay close to the ones that always support you and open your eyes and let go of the ones that don’t. It’s hard and you already know who is for you and who is against you, but the sooner you let them go, the better off you will be in the long run. 

Without you, I wouldn’t be able to relate to others with how lonely and dark life can get. I would not have the confidence and strength that I have within me, knowing that I’ve endured and conquered one of my lowest points. I would not be me without you.

Thank you so much for never giving up. Thank you for fighting. Thank you for eventually learning to love yourself again. 

That girl you see in the mirror will gain her glow and the light once again will be bright in your eyes. When you see her, know that it is me and never revert to being a prisoner to the bottle. It’s not worth the loss.

Amber, you don’t know this yet and I know you don’t see it in yourself, but you are my hero. You are battling storms that some do not make it out of and I have a better life because of your resilience. You must always remember, it’s easy to give up, and ‘anything worth having is worth fighting for’.

You have so much life to live, so much to look forward to, and so many places to see. 

Trust me, it gets better with time, and I’ll see you on the other side!

With all my love,
Amber Robinson 

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