Casey, 

My dearest younger self, I have this chance to tell you how it’s all going to be okay, and I how it gets better, but honestly, I don’t know how to explain. I want to tell you that right now, you are okay. It doesn’t feel like it, but you are. Right now, life is so hard for you. You have people around you are saying you’re doing it wrong and everything bad that happens to you is your fault. I, as the future Casey Dawn, am promising you that is not your fault. None of it is. You have big, intense emotions and that is okay. You learn to manage them. One day, life won’t be this hard or feel this impossible. Just continue to hold on for me, okay? Happiness will find us. One day, you will love yourself. You will yield the power to build the self-esteem you could never find with the power you never knew you had. You learn that self-esteem doesn’t come from what other people think of you. Oh, my young soul, you will find a good man who loves you, he helps breathe life into your soul, so you begin to believe you are deserving of good things. You use that love to rebuild yourself. To become the person, you have always wanted to be. We end up going through a few lesser men before him, but it’s okay. Finding that one good one makes it all worth it. You find a best friend that is your friend just as much as you are hers. She is everything good in a friend. You have several good ones, but this friend is so connected to you, spiritually and emotionally. She teaches you that you deserve a wonderful friendship, even when many people disappoint you. Oh, and they will disappoint you, love. There will be a lot of times, way too many times, that you make crappy choices, trying to fill that emptiness in your heart, but it’s okay. Forgive yourself. Never stop forgiving yourself and one day you will realize it was all worth it. There will come a day when you accept that your life of struggle has made you exactly who you are. One day, you will use faith as small as a mustard seed to stand back from the ledge of ending it all. And you will find what it means to know the depths of despair and use every ounce of courage to pull yourself out. The years after that is only progress. We go to therapy, and we work hard, day after day, to improve our mind. Then one day, you will catch yourself realizing that you have the things you never believed you would have. It will hit you in a part of your spirit you never knew existed. The part of your spirit that has pulled hope from the deepest darkness. You will find joy in things you never have before. You will stop to look at the flowers you planted, the art you created and the children that you love far better than you were ever loved. You will love deeply and protect fiercely. Your life will consist of gratitude. Thankful for the life you at one time believed you would never have. You deserve it all baby and it will be yours.  Our life now is so perfectly imperfect, but it is a life we created and were blessed with. We have a life that brings you joy and that, my love, is a thought to hold onto.  You have a life that you have worked for. You have a relationship with your Dad, I know, crazy but it’s true! Most importantly, you stayed strong my love. You never gave up. People like us don’t usually have a good quality of life. People with our minds that aren’t set up right. We don’t produce the right kind of chemicals for us to be happy. The stuff we have been through played a huge part of that. It’s not your fault. Please read these words carefully, it is not your fault. You are loved. You are so very loved. I love you and I want you to know that. We will make mistakes. We will get it so wrong, but it will be okay. We make it. We feel joy, happiness and pride. We still have some struggles, but we learn to cope. We learn to lay down the guilt and the shame. You are not broken, just a few broken pieces that we meld back together with glitter and gold. We not only become whole again, but we also become something so much better. One thing I can tell you with pride is that I help other people because of what I know and have experienced.  I can tell others with confidence that it’s going to be okay. I share our story so I can bring hope to other’s darkness.  So, they know that even broken crayons color. We are kind, patient and understanding. I am what you always needed. I became the adult I always needed. You are going to be just fine sweetheart. I promise.