Dear Peace,

My greatest love is you. Fondly, I recall peaceful, happy times, now bittersweet and nostalgic memories. You were present at family gatherings. I would hear such wonderful and inspiring verses being read from the bible. Each waltz in the living room erased another day’s conflicts and errors. I longed for love and then I had a dream featuring you. Wheat and grass surrounded and overtowered me as I ran through the field. I noticed a hand in my grasp and while looking at him; I knew I was safe, and it felt like you. This meant I could stop running away from conflict. Not just physically, but the mental war. I just don’t feel like I fit in. I purposely observe others to learn how to communicate with others, so conversations can flow smoothly. Sometimes I envy others and how it seems like no matter how dumb their conversions seem to be, they laugh. Although my dumb remarks have sometimes drawn ridicule. Anyway, the times I have felt wronged in my life or accused of wrong-doings in my life by hypocrites are astonishing! Despite: Although provoked, I would cool off to avoid further mental distress. I’ve always kept my feelings concealed, and it always had worked. I’m not perfect and I’ve struggled with anger. Some days didn’t go as planned, leading me to snap verbally when someone annoyed me. A couple of physical attacks, most likely from a sibling or a family member. I like to avoid confusion because it feels like a mental nausea and unlike a headache; it doesn’t hurt. It just feels like there are tangled ropes in my mind. I’m not at ease when I’m confused because I freeze and I don’t react or speak and it becomes my dream paralysis, but this time I’m awake in real life. I struggle to respond, fearing judgment and ridicule. After COVID, I met someone, and it seemed like I had finally met you in real life. I couldn’t understand a single word he was saying to me; when the words that I knew would hurt me; they just didn’t hurt me. I must have been in a trance. I experienced a mental pause, like a video, and the lingering confusion became invisible. If he spoke beautiful words to me, I would recognize him as the one. I don’t know if he knew what to say, but when I felt like I was ugly, he complemented my outfit, making me feel like I was beautiful again. Exclusion was a regular feeling until I took part in group activities, even if they seemed foolish, like the conversations I envied. I wished to be a creative leader, but a lack of confidence held me back. I once gave a speech. When I was done, I saw him smile and whisper it was creative. The days I felt dumb, he called me smart. My last encounter with him, I had felt foolish. He told me I was wise. His departure made me feel as though you had also left. My mind resumed the video, increasing my confusion; Or maybe, used to you, that confusion felt odd. Confusion came back to haunt me. It still has not become clear to me if this interaction was an angel of peace, an addictive drug, a trick, or the devil’s illusion, because I can’t quite remember the ill words if he ever did. He gave me what I desired to hear. Before covid, I functioned chaotically, yet somehow thrived under stress. I want to be clear that understanding social cues was difficult, and I felt it often took me much longer than others, no matter how much I desired the opposite. Even amidst the world’s relentless pace, your patience remained through him. When I didn’t want to talk, you would ask me, and I froze and I hesitated, but you asked another time, making it seem you would listen and be patient with me when nobody else would, and I thank you for that. Since I’m aware he is gone forever, I still hope to see you again. I experienced these peaceful memories, despite their addictive nature. I will always remember you and cherish all those memories in my heart.