What do I even call you? Gregory? Lillie? I’ve wrestled with that these last few months as I’ve been finding myself in this world and really trying to figure out WHO I am.
On paper and in pictures and in so many people’s memories, you were a little boy and on some levels that still bothers me that I was robbed of a childhood I only ever was able to dream about and beg for. And for years, I blamed you. I hated you so much. I couldn’t stand you and I called you every single name in the book and I probably made up a few along the way as well.
It was your fault I couldn’t be a girl. You didn’t stand up for me. You didn’t speak up when you had the chance. Who else could I blame? All I could do was turn that anger inward, on you, on us. But the facts are, you existed before the internet. You didn’t know there were people like us out there. And being from a small town certainly didn’t help when you didn’t even know there was a community.
So as part of OUR healing process I need to look at the facts. And Gregory, you did the best you could with what you had. So many of your actions were due to various trauma responses and I can no longer be angry with you for that. Somehow you knew that the world wasn’t ready for me.
So, you kept me safe, and you suffered alone for decades. You gave up your youth to protect me. You became a father because you knew I would never bear children of my own. All this you did for me and so much more. You had to grow up so fast in a world that would never have accepted me back then. And you did all that in order to protect me when I thought you were being selfish.
My hope is that you can forgive me for the bitterness I felt towards you for all those years as you kept me safe. My hope is that through reflection and inner child work that you and I, Gregory and Lillie, can finally be healed and whole. This is so much more than me saying thank you for keeping us safe. For preparing me for the world and giving me the tools to navigate it. This is me asking you for your forgiveness for not understanding the burden you put on yourself and all that you gave up so that one day I could exist. So, thank you Gregory. Thank you for everything. Because of you and your sacrifice, I’m able to exist.