Boom, boom, boom.
My heart took the lead,
Beating so hard it shook my wary voice when I went to speak.
My worst fears came true,
And suddenly this man became a man I thought I knew.
It’d been right all along,
This nagging inner voice telling me something was really wrong.
The voice that told my body to be on high alert,
To stop eating, stop sleeping,
Preparing for the impending hurt.
The pain that came wasn’t only about the betrayal, but also what all the lies that came to light had unearthed.
In the weeks and months that followed,
I was forced to pick up the pieces of my shattered heart,
And to reflect on the feelings and thoughts I had long since swallowed.
I had realized that the greatest betrayal I had suffered was not done by another at all.
It was me who caused the most hurt to myself,
It was me who orchestrated my own downfall.
I made up excuses, called myself crazy, and self-abandoned.
I kept quiet and told myself that what I already knew couldn’t have possibly happened.
As I sat in my grief,
I decided to allow it to change me.
I allowed it to seep into my veins,
Shake me to my core.
I invited it to lift the chains to my heart and show me all the wounds I had not healed before.
I wanted it to unleash the floodgates and bring the rain,
Wash out what no longer served me,
Wash out what could no longer remain.
If I were to heal from this,
I must heal from it all.
Everything that ever led me to believe I was unworthy,
Everything that ever made me believe that to be loved, I had to make myself small.
The decision to dive deep within,
To face the darkest parts of myself,
So much to uncover, not knowing where to begin, only knowing that my pain was demanding to be felt.
This decision alone unlocked the understanding and acceptance I’ve always searched for and made me finally see,
That to be truly seen and fully loved by another means I first need to truly see and love me.
And so I began,
I became my own best friend.
I indulged in things that awakened my soul,
Things like singing, dancing, and writing,
And I focused on the things only I could control.
I focused on changing the self-stories I lived by,
From discouraging and negative to ones that came from love and light.
I focused on holding myself in times of worry, sadness, and doubt,
Rather than running away from it all or giving that power to somebody else.
I now observe my thoughts as thoughts and acknowledge my feelings for what they are,
I connect peacefully with nature, and when my mind does wander, I don’t let it go far.
Now all the tears I cry,
Give water to the lush garden I’ve planted inside my mind.
Through the pain, I chose love instead of bitterness,
Love for myself and for others,
Trading resentment for forgiveness.
It’s been a journey, and it still is,
Learning to trust myself enough to get through all of life’s challenges.
Through it all,
I’ve come to know,
That it truly is a gift to feel such deep pain, love, loss, and sorrow.
I now more often choose to live my life through love instead of fear,
And when I choose this way,
My decisions become much more clear.
So now I thank life for giving me the gift of grief,
For it has taught me to always let my heart take the lead.