Dear ________,

Do you remember a while back? I think it was around Thanksgiving when you asked me to grow my hair back out. You said I looked cute with it and that I should have some hair to go with my graduation cap in the spring. I laughed and playfully rolled my eyes because most of my hair was shaved off at the time. There was only a small bit of “fluff” I could run my fingers through, so I didn’t really think you were serious, but I kept the thought in the back of my mind, skipping that month’s hair appointment…
wasn’t supposed to lead anywhere. It wasn’t a grand gesture…it didn’t have much thought…rather a lack of funds…yet as time went on and my hair grew…I couldn’t help but smile and think of you…
The next time I saw you it was Christmas time…we were deep into our battles of “I love you more” and “No, I’m doing dishes.” But you still made the sweet tea…extra sweet and always made sure I had a hot glass, my favorite way to drink it. Y’all even waited for me to hang the lights on the tree…. My favorite part of the holidays, decorating the tree with you, though I’m sorry I was a bit late. My exams took longer than I thought. At least the lights glowed bright during those nights. Only a few…
Short weeks past and along came the striking cold air… fierce to the skin…leaving me to freeze from head to toe clinging to a beanie as if it was my home…I decided to skip this hair appointment and just say no… (I was too cold…)
“You don’t have to. I don’t mind. Let me help you.” I would say every time the dishes piled high in the sink or dusting became a thing. But without fail you would smile and say that’s alright. Even when those Grinch lights hung far into the new year…Now I wonder if we got them down in time maybe things would be different…if we didn’t wait. I wish…
I knew what I could say to you. I wish I had the power to turn back time… before the doctor visits… the harsh treatments that tore you apart only hoping they would build you back up… I wish…
I noticed how you changed. The sudden loss of appetite. The lack of color in your face. The dark circles underneath your eyes in the green glow of the Grinch lights. You didn’t put up as much of a fight when I offered to help with dishes. I should’ve known then. You were sitting more…sleeping more…and I wish…
I could be there…from the first scan to this last one. To be there cheering you on through the good days… the bad days… and days when the sun seems to hide, and our pride remains only in your kind eyes.
But sadly, life has different plans.
Now I’m hundreds of miles away – guilt ridden- and only reading updates on Facebook…wondering if I should be afraid with every post, every call, every text I’m stuck waiting, debating whether it’s alright to call… Is it the right time? Should I wake you? Will this be okay? Will this get better? I call out to some unknown power, A deity who can come and make everything better…Yet the new…
Scans aren’t any better. Now you have new treatments I hear that give you a better chance against the raging pain in your chest…. though is it true? Doing this will make your fear appear? Will you lose more this time?
Remember my promise from last thanksgiving? Well, I never made it to a single appointment…and it’s already passed my shoulders…even now I can picture your smile at the thought…But I wanted to ask you, with Christmas a few short months away and my love for short hair anyways…would you let me give you at least a piece of normalcy? Would you let me give back something that beast in your chest took away? I’ll…
Gladly grow my hair out for you. So please don’t cry and as time goes on and my hair grows out, I’ll always smile and think of you with every glance toward a mirror.
I love you,