It All Started . . .

After several hours filled with fear, anxiety, tears of anger, and wounds of distrust, I ended up in a fetal position on my living room floor. After struggling to roll up in a seated position,I forced my shaky left foot to plant firm and stable, as a wingback chair offered to help me to my feet. Then it happened . .

The phrase “Until I learn to love myself, there isn’t going to be any love for anybody else.” emblazoned the forefront of my thoughts. Such a popular phrase in music and literature that should make complete sense. But my emotional blindness shadowed its true meaning for all these years.

I had been throwing tantrums all day! I wailed out, “I didn’t deserve that…”, “Why would he/they/you/whomever treat me that way?” and so on and so on. After my earlier battle to stand, I started a new rant, when suddenly the image in my bathroom mirror took on its own energy. It sounds outlandish, even fictional–it’s the only way I can describe that moment. My mirrored image caught my attention and scolded, with gritted jaw:

“STOP IT! This is YOUR problem and no one else’s.
JUST STOP! Stop taking this out on others.
YOU fell for it. YOU allowed this to happen to YOU!”

The next thing I remember was looking back at my image in the mirror, grinning from ear to ear. I had finally accepted complete responsibility for my own life. I got that all familiar phrase now.

Under a scorching hot shower, I washed away the negative energy of the past several hours. I slowed my breath, as the calming scent of aromatherapy body wash filled my nostrils and then it happened . . . LAUGHTER. Then a flood of self-awareness and acute in-sight:

To enjoy relationships at any level, a balance needs to exist between self-respect and mutual-respect, mixed in with laughter, touching, smiling, debating, and knowing when to “agree to disagree.”

Painful thoughts of so much time wasted with complicated and empty confrontations throughout so many flittered years suddenly became ridiculously SIMPLE. I had not recognized the concept until that moment, because it is so ridiculously SIMPLE.

Our society has increasingly been overly multi-tasked and run-ragged! Let’s get back to SIMPLE. Here’s my SIMPLE equation:

SIMPLE = HAPPINESS = SELF-ESTEEM = SELF-RESPECT = SELF-LOVE = LOVE

“TO LOVE SIMPLY IS TO SIMPLY LOVE”

which can be reversed!

“TO SIMPLY LOVE IS TO LOVE SIMPLY”

That day was the most significant turning point of my life.
After that day, I became a certified Yoga teacher, I performed at open mic events for the spoken word, I became more adventurous and spontaneous. I loved myself for the first time.
I’ve been restless
All these hours of sleep
Tears mixed with
New-found joy and old tossed loss
Stream down each cheek
Dreams of an old self
And my true self
Vying for status of champion
As a sportscaster commentates nearby.
My true self emerges victorious
Pointing to the beginning
Of a path, upon which
The Divine beckons me
To follow in faith.

Love, Me!