There will come a moment where you say, “Not this. This is too much.” I say, “Yes, this.” This must be borne, must be experienced to the core. When it is, this core is discovered to be none other than truth itself. – Gangaji

———

A friend once told me that they believed
“That life never gives you more
then you can handle.”
They sincerely believed it and yet,

I could only respond with
“Well then I must be ten feet tall
and bulletproof, because I’ve been
thru a lot more than you can imagine.”

Bear in mind…
We both work at a
residential psychiatric treatment facility
… so I suppose he could imagine a lot.

But he paused for a sip of tea
or maybe three and said to me
“Well then, maybe you are.
I can imagine that, can you?”

I walked away from that moment
buried in my memories of
one of the worst fights for my life
I had yet endured.

I once loved a man more monster than real
his mine shattered into a mosaic
of unconnected thoughts and impulses
later described as a schizo-affective psychotic break.

I couldn’t shake the memory
of going two days, or more, or less
time folded inward on itself
as I went without food, sleep, or water.

Trapped in that apartment with him
we used to dream of a future together in
as he hurt me again and again
with metal, with hands, with words, with…

twisting a tableau of the fantasies
made real by his chaotic mind
and I endured.
and I endured.

And I endured … and I don’t know how
I can’t find the reason why
as I found myself breaking apart
all ego, all sense of self gone

Vanished into the ether
there was nothing left…
except a light
at the core of it all that said

“Endure
You have something to live for
you still have something
you need to create.”

I came back from the memory
wishing to turn back to my friend to say,
“Maybe you’re right.
Maybe I am ten feet tall and bulletproof.”

I endured
and I know I always will.
I still have something
left to create.