Was it my childhood? Or is this a personality trait? Why does not much ever feel good enough to me? It feels as though I sit around watching others succeed, while I bleed.

Look into the lens of an extremist. There is either good or bad, victory or failure. No wiggle room. There is no option for a roadblock or a mistake. Over time, this can manifest into such a deep rooted way of thinking and anxiety that it can torture you on a daily basis.

Now on the other hand, some people just strive high, had good upbringings, or just sensibly execute their goals. I could only imagine that not everyone who is highly successful lives torturous lives. I always wished I knew how to just keep things simpler. Sincerely, I wish I could. Still somehow I always find no middle ground, no matter the task. After a while it becomes easier to just shut down and not try things. Atleast not anything new or unfamiliar. Most perfectionists have some form of rigidness to them and in my experience a good portion of them don’t fare well in new environments or change.

Unfortunately, as I’ve reflected back on my own life I can’t help but wonder all the opportunities that may have passed me by, all the good people I could have met, all the smarter paths I could have chose, all those “woulda, coulda, shoulda’s”. I’ve found myself at times in a pit of comparing and judging. Whether it was myself- or other people.

If I could have just focused on things that made me feel more “whole” I could have found more peace, and my passions earlier in life. Writing, nature, music, things that truly bring me joy.

But this just goes to show that I needed to experience the life I did – to become who I am now. I may not have all the parts of me “whole” yet, but atleast I see the bigger picture here thanks to Jane’s wise quote and I can work every day at placing all the little pieces of myself together while I try to navigate through this thing called life.

~May we all keep our balance along the walk