Today marks another day since you’ve been gone.
There is no significance to this day. It is not our anniversary or your birthday. It is not some mile marker in the countdown since your death.
Today is just a day.
But some days the weight of grief is as heavy as the mid-September air was on those days as you were leaving us. So long and yet so fast. In those days and the days that followed, time stood still and the world spun out of control all at the same time in a way I didn’t know was possible. To be honest, I’m not sure it has stopped.
In your absence I have learned that grief is a stealth warrior and some days it wins before I even know the battle has begun.

I wonder if you watch from wherever you are.
Sometimes I wonder if you’re anywhere.
And I try to find some semblance of you everywhere.
I look back at old pictures and old posts and I wonder how we would have felt if we had known what was coming. I wonder if we would have appreciated those moments more, or if we would have been too wrapped up in worrying about the ending.
I wonder what you’d think about all that has happened since you’ve been gone. I wonder if you feel the joy and the pain. How would you feel about all of the shifts and changes, the twists and turns, the bumps and the bruises that we’ve endured along the way? Would you shake your head at the mistakes and missteps we’ve made as we’ve tried to move in some manner that resembles moving forward. Or does your vantage point now give you some insight into how all the pieces will fall together?
I wonder if you would be happy that life has gone on.
In your absence I have learned that there are infinite questions and inadequate answers.
And I am learning to accept that.

I took the kids to Disney last year.
I conquered my fear of flying (sort of) and flew all the way to California. The ocean is absolutely beautiful!
I got a passport. I promise I’m going to use it!
I spent a little too much on new furniture for the deck. And a lot too much on a new purse for me.
I’ve settled into my new job. You were right. I’m doing great at it.
I’m really sorry about how I’ve let the yard go. I’m trying, but you know that was always your thing.
I try to get the kayaks out as much as I can. I find so much peace in the beauty of nature. And of course, I think of you whenever I catch a glimpse of a sunset.
I appreciate my family and friends in ways I never did before.
I’ve made new friends and reconnected with some old ones.
I’ve fallen in love again.
In your absence I have learned that there is truth in cliché phrases like “life is short” and “you only live once” and “tomorrow is not promised.”

I have learned so much in your absence. Yet no matter how much I learn, there will always be one thing that I will never understand…
Why.