YOU taught me this…
I believe the most important things you taught me in life – through your words, your knowledge, your kindness, your example, your love – are here for me in your death. And I also believe what you felt I taught you in our short time together sustained you in life. Now is the time I understand completely just what we were doing together.
The things I have learned in the last two years seems like a lifetimes worth. I see things so differently now. It’s strange just how different I am; in my soul.
I see myself through YOUR eyes. I always saw myself through my own distorted view. While I may have had confidence when you met me it was never a true sense of worth. It is truly an amazing fortune to know what unconditional feels like. I know now exactly who I am and I am not afraid to be myself. I liked me before, but you loved me – in all my goodness and my flaws. I never had to question your feelings for me and you showed me that is a real and possible thing in this life. You are not here but this sustains me.
”You’re not picky. You just know what you want” – there is a very huge difference and it matters. I hear these words all the time now. I say them to the people that are most important to me. When you know you have value you will NEVER settle. In my life now, those I meet and actually want to become friends with, will have the qualities I want and need in my life. There is ZERO time to waste on anything less. You are not here but this sustains me.
You taught me to let go, and I have. I let go of the fear; the fear there is no where to go from here. You told me I was a beautiful, strong, independent woman – all the time. I know ALL the girls in your life heard these same words – YOU built the confidence to help me find my way ahead. You are not here but this sustains me.
The constant battle to control my mind and heart is part of an exhausting emotional war for my soul. On some days I win the battle, take back control, my mind speaks and my soul can breath. Other days I lose and my heart finds its footing, my soul takes its dying breath…I slowly find my way to sleep – albeit troubled and restless – so I can find the strength to fight again tomorrow. The war I wage is to fit my heart, mind, and soul into a reality not of my choosing. But I will remember ALL the things you taught me in our life together and will find my path. You are not here but this sustains me.
I will NEVER settle – you wanted nothing less than this for my life.
You are not here but THIS sustains me…