Dear thriving woman,

I am beyond grateful that this message has found you well!!! I knew deeply within my heart that one day you would get to read this. I would like to start off by saying THANK GOD for allowing you to still be here to experience the life that you have co-created for yourself. Valencia, I am so proud of you! How do those roses smell for you now that you finally get to accept them in full bloom? How does the fresh fruit taste from all of those seeds that you have planted?! Ha!

Undoubtedly, you have grown tremendously over these past years. After all of the adversity, triumph’s and dedication towards advancing along your path… you have come a long way. Who knew that after attempting suicide as a teen, being homeless on a few occasions (but further on learning that as long as you had family or friends to stay with, technically their home WAS your home as well), being unemployed (while still somehow being supported), and overcoming depression that it would all lead to these situations helping to shape you into the woman that I am reading this today… I’ll tell you who… You did! “God did!!!” (As the saying goes).

As you know, God did not give you anything that you could not handle. You are so very brave to press forward, bettering your circumstances. That was only just part of the fuel that has driven you to reach your fullest potential. Even as a young girl you have always felt that there was much more to life than what was being presented within your surroundings. You are one of your inner child’s biggest dreams come true! It is a blessing to have truly rediscovered your authentic self and boldly walking in that light. I thank you for making peace with your past and choosing to live without any regrets.

Look at all that you have accomplished!!! Although your upbringing has had its waves of dysfunction and unhealthy patterns that you’ve had to unlearn, you have still managed to create a beautiful family unit of your own. I recall your desire for you all to hold a healthy, supportive and nurturing connection… That part was extremely important because you knew that it was possible for you to experience! Plus, you get to do meaningful/ purposeful work as a multi-talented creative, advocate for holistic health, healing tools/services, philanthropist and motivational speaker…landing a few of your very own major events alongside your amazing team. Another thing to mention is to have traveled around the world and connected with God’s blessings in various forms (culture, land, food, etc.) It is a blessing to experience having a positively abundant life doing all the things that lights you up, it helps to light the world up!

The positive impact that you are making all over the world is beyond remarkable. It only took you one leap and many brave steps for you to know and trust that the divine was (and still very much is) backing you EVERY STEP of the way. Sheesh… girl you knew that the universe was gonna bless you with far more than you could have even imagined, so don’t act surprised!!! You are whole, healthy, successful, loving/loved unconditionally, a leader, creative, a healer, a woman of divine faith, a loving wife, mother, and mentor. All while being genuinely joyfull while being so, I may add. This is exactly what it means to embrace the journey and trusting the process towards reaching the destination.

My humble words of encouragement going forward: Never stop dreaming, (those dreams are your heart’s desires in rare form, only because it’s up to YOU to truly see them) aim high!!! Your potential is still very much unlimited. I love you!!!

Dear younger Aj,

I just wanted to reach out and remind you that these past 28 years haven’t been in vain. It gets better…trust me.

Life gets rough, but you’ll make it.

Years 1-4 are foggy. I doubt you remember.

Years 5-7 summers were lit but you coined the term “Cry Baby”. You were forced to understand death; but never properly learned how to grieve.

Look at us now, emotionally mature. Shout out to the people that called us emotional. We now wear that badge with honor.

Years 8-12 dark times grew. Unknowing of my body and exposed to a world without a parental advisory label. New memories with a brand-new family. Silent cries for help and a prescription to mask the much-needed attention and conversations you desired. Just a kid looking forward to the weekends.

You blocked a lot of stuff out. Aj, do you remember? I do.

Look at us now, standing in our truth and sharing a testimony God hand wrote for us.

Aj, you’re so courageous. I love you.

Years 13-17 our nieces were the tribe. So many undeveloped bonds. Venturing down a unique path. Overlooked. Misunderstood. Fighting for a spot in a clique, you didn’t fit with. Letting society mold you and still standing with Christ. So naive and unaware of how cruel the world was about to get.

Look at us now…

Years 18-22 setbacks became the new norm. We motivated each other. NYC was a whole different ball game. You tried to take life by the horns; but the lack of experience left you defected and crushed.

Aj, no one handed us the driver’s manual for life…

Years 23-26 so many late nights in LES. Assignments due at midnight. The walk across the stage took forever and the president’s hand was so sweaty. A young woman with endless potential. Surviving became all you knew. Friends came and gone. Guys loved you for a season. Financial struggles. Unloved by yourself, repeating history. More funerals and you even had the audacity to question God.

Aj, the world was too much for us.

It gets better though…trust me, I know.

You can’t even imagine how wonderful life will become. You’re a beautiful soul and you deserve so much. Guardian Angels have been flying beside you for years.

Look at us now…

Year 27 and half of 28, desperately seeking a fresh start… Georgia seemed like the perfect opportunity; or maybe it just looked cool on Instagram. Who knows. Grateful for the experiences and new humans you met. There was something about the city you heart yearned for. Mentally exhausted you stood strong for your team. Withering away slowly. You had no choice but to keep going. Calculating how many miles are between Sandy Springs and Harlem with a pit stop in Virginia. It’s scary how much can change in a few months. A major career shift and a bumpy road back up North. Starting over from scratch but doing it with some experience this time around. Lonely days and lonely nights.

Aj, life gets better. I can’t wait for you to see. The current pain you’re feeling will soon fade away. You must hang on and stay true to yourself.

I don’t want to spoil the rest of 28 for you.

Aj, I love you.

Everything in your life has led you to this moment and there will be more moments that lead you to the future. Girl, I can’t stress it enough. Your future is so bright. You get everything you’ve always wanted. The love, the house, the family, the career, the peace, and you find your true self.

Aj, you got this.

I’ll see you soon.

With love,

Future Aj

Feet grounded to the shore as ocean bubbles wash over your toes
The tide pulls away and the sand beneath you sinks
Gold flickers of sunset warm your shoulders
Your gaze follows the endless sea of blue
Who is on the other side of that sea?
What waves must you endure to meet them?
Or is the someone on the other side of the sea
Who you will become along the way

Adventurous thinking can inspire you to chart a course
But imagine if a message in a bottle floated to your feet
Embellished with your name and a plan
And the words read:

Hello old friend,

I’m happy to know you are thinking of me. This affirms that you are still on your journey to me! I know that life has been a constant flux of certainty and uncertainty, but I want you to understand that this is because you are consistently pushing yourself towards growth. I remember the struggles that you are going through right now clear as day, I still carry them with me. Not because they are heavy, but because they are meaningful. They hold weight in your existence and give you a sense of momentum. I know you see the destination; you make sense of the mess and connect moments to give purpose. This is one of the greatest skills you can develop: to work with the flow of life and give it meaning. Your continual cultivation of working with that flow, meaning making, and growing is why I am writing to you now.

You’ll be delighted to know that life here is beyond anything we ever imagined together. There are more adventures, connections, and peaceful moments than we believed possible. As much as I want to detail every little bit of joy, I don’t want you to get distracted by the wrong things. I can assure you in the clichest of ways that everything will work out. This is exactly why I am so excited for your arrival, but also in no rush to see you. I’m exercising patience as you continue your journey because I have accepted that there are many endeavors you must undertake before we meet. I can wait confidently knowing that each of these undertakings brings you one step closer on your journey to me.

During your journey, take breaks when you need them, but please remember I am anticipating our union. I expect you to keep a steady and focused pace because we still have a lot to do, and I can’t get started until you arrive. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts, and I can’t tell you what to do next, however the list of items you will need for your journey are as follows:

a strong mind
a creative essence
a loving heart
a persevering soul
a sense of humor
a load of gratitude
and a purpose

Wishing you the safest of travels

Love,
Future You

Emboldened by an inspiring familiar
Guided by a gentle proposal
Will you take that journey to the other side of the sea?
To the other side of yourself?

Dear future self,
I actually finished this poem. May this pave the way to bring more completion to our path. Our story has been a series of starts, stops, twists, turns and falls, but now, the math is starting to math.
I imagine you’ve come a long way from feeling stagnant. I hope that feeling stuck is just your sign to pause and enjoy your life. I pray that the only time you feel lost is in a book. I long to see you cry from laughing too hard and your knees hit the dirt only because you dove through the finish line.
I hope your words served you best. I hope you found a chest to lay your head against and it is filled with treasure. I hope your fire never dies while you splash through puddles of at your leisure. I also want you to know that it paid off to be alone. How else would we have known how precise to build our throne?
I pray for you often and, in my heart, I know you’ll be okay. Your strength will always push you forward when your world is frozen in place. Your wisdom will always wait patiently for you to notice when you have strayed. I could bottle every one of your tears just to witness their beauty and redemption. I would listen to every story that they tell and the praises they would mention.
I’m doing the work so that my scars won’t cast shadows on your shine. I know you will continue to make those around you feel electrified, but don’t let anyone get in your way, not even me. I ask this small request. Will you still hold my hand when I can’t see? Will you always give your best? Can we still make silly faces? Tell inside jokes and get plenty of rest? Will you keep me from getting lost in spaces with things that bump in the night? Will you promise not to let anyone else dim our light?
I want you to know that I have started to believe in us. I refuse to give up on our future, and I exercise more trust. I apologize for repeating the past and allowing the overthinking and the agony to last. The times that we connected, I was just happy to meet you, forgetting that you were there to teach me not to let my fear bleed through. As we cross over to 30, I look in the mirror everyday and see a force, a beauty, and a flame. You are a masterpiece, and your life is the frame. My heart is full just thinking of how amazing you must be. Even if nothing changes, I love you just because you’re me.
The road I travel will always bring me closer to you. Knowing that you will always be, is enough. Enough to keep going, to endure and allow others to help me too. I imagine you growing into yourself and tossing potential out the window. All you have to be is yourself and allow real love to make its intro. You deserve it, and always have. Continue to never let these folks tell you what to do. You are still Daddy (inside joke), and I will always love you.

Affirmation; a word people don’t always take the time to understand. How it feels in my body to ritualize in the small moments, and the larger swings of change that come in waves. Affirmation is self-love, is seeing all of the parts and holding space for them. Extending an olive branch to the parts that would normally shrink, or be shelved until their glow is barely recognizable.

Affirmation is not giving up on the cycles of transformation that we all will travel through—maybe at different paces or on different timelines, but we will all travel, of that I am sure. Speaking light and grace into yourself will allow you to travel with strength, faith, and resilience.

Keep your word to yourself and water your faith daily. Tend to it even when you are at your highest point, feeling as if you could never lose sight of yourself again. Even and especially then, tend to yourself with intention and a slow and steady pace, so that when you must soar your body is ready to take flight.

Imagine your future as if it stands at your palms asking to be read. Take control over the fact that you must go with the flow in order to stay within balance. Overly seeking balance always leads to imbalance, welcomes an opening for chaos to thrive in your environment. Instead, self regulate so you can create and maintain the energy of your space with intention and autonomy.

Maintain peace as an embodiment—prioritize it over other emotions that may seem to satisfy a thrill because that is your trauma response to your own lived experiences. You can make space for these experiences without being subject to their twisted tangled woods.

Protect your growth at all costs, for it is how you are able to walk your path. And keep walking—don’t ever stop changing. Remember you feel scared then free again every time. Practice sweetness and love in your life. Remember and honor your ancestors. Release the need to control but understand the power of your energy.

Visualize your future in the hue of the sky that day. How many shades of purple can you find in the mountains? Did the fog raise the small hairs on your neck? Were the birds loud and unforgiving for their nests were built low in the center of maple trees? How many years did the blue hydrangeas bloom? And your hair tangled in the wind, asking for more questions rather than answers.
Asking to never stop asking.

Follow your dreams with conviction. Look up to the moon each night until it begins to look like a fuzzy glow—like a street lamp lit after the rain. Find the constellations from your field guide to the sky book. Keep observing until you can witness change in the sky. And then keep going—share your stories with the world boldly. Remember you are here to create with your hands. Keep writing, drawing, and painting, for they are entry points into your soul.
Begin at the beginning again.

Dear Past Me

“I want to tell you not to get lost in the petty things”- okay actually you know I just couldn’t resist finishing that with a Taylor Swift lyric but, girl you did do a really good job not getting lost in the petty things. I’m writing to you because I wanted to thank you for doing all the heavy lifting. I know it wasn’t easy-it gets really easy though. I know there were times when you doubted yourself, when you hesitated, when you didn’t trust your instincts. I know this letter finds you at a time where you feel a little lost, I want you to know you’re doing everything right and it works out. You’re learning to embrace the lost feeling and appreciate the journey. I think that may be the biggest thing you have left to learn-keep going. I take the lessons you learned with me every day and am grateful that you created me.
I know you don’t really know me yet, so let me tell you what all your hard work does and who you’re becoming. I am a recovering people pleaser- don’t roll your eyes at me- I am you, remember? Dude, I know that it is so hard to admit because it feels wrong. You have always been a strong hyper-independent woman- how could you possibly be a “people pleaser”? You can be and are both of those things. You’re kind, loving, empathetic, caring, patient, and love to build connections but, you got lost in that. You were so focused on connecting with others- you forgot to connect with yourself. I don’t do that anymore because of you.
I don’t take responsibility to regulate others emotions, I don’t excuse behaviors because I empathize with them, I make myself my first priority when making all decsions and best of all I don’t feel any guilt when I do this. Actually quite the opposite, I am very proud. I won’t lie. It does get rocky for you and some people in your life can’t handle this change. It may feel really hard but, those are the people who were taking advantage of your people pleasing abilities. As your therapist says “they smell it on you” and you’re good for people and make their life better so when you start to prioritize yourself those relationships shift. Now I only allow people in my life who love me for who I am not for what I do for them and that has cultivated an incredible community around me.
The relationships in my life are flourishing. I am surrounded by people who also prioritize themselves and understand that it is the least selfish thing you can do. They have their own passions, hobbies, creative endeavors, music tastes, book tastes etc. I know that I don’t have to love all of those things to love them and that they will still love me regardless. I am able to share the things I love with them, without fear of any judgment. They will listen to me talk about Taylor Swift and how I “share my fire” in dance class and encourage me- not because they love it too but because they love me and support me.
I believe people when they show me who they are. I especially believe them when they tell me who they are *coughs clearing throat*. Not naming names on who wouldn’t listen but, now I know when someone tells you five times by the second date that they’re an asshole don’t argue, they’re an asshole. That person was generous; most people don’t come out and tell you. I let people’s actions show me who they are; I listen, observe and react accordingly. I see things as they are in the moment, not for what they have the potential to be.
I don’t stifle myself to better fit in. It’s good that not everyone likes me. The most important person in the world loves me, is proud of me, finds me hilarious, we go on adventures, visit all the coffee shops, try new hobbies, reminds me I am safe and doing okay. It’s you; you’re the most important person in the world. I am because of you and I will always protect you.
So again I want to say thank you. Thank you for doing so much for me, because of you I am living life wholeheartedly. You learned the importance of living for yourself- and just by being you, you have changed the world. You embrace your fear, you are vulnerable, you are not afraid of failure, you share your story. Living this authentically catches on.

Love Always,
Future me

PS: I know I kept things very vague but, you’re still writing the story I’m not going to give away the ending!

You’ve reached Ashley, please leave a message after the beep. BEEP……
Hey you, its me. Ive been trying to reach you but I keep getting your answer machine so I guess I’ll leave a message. The storm hasnt lifted and you’ve been nose out of the water deep just barely staying above. You’ve had so many dark days that its hard to tell when its night, and sometimes the love for yourself can’t be seen. Its pretty scary and I always got your back. I want you to know that you are strong. And one day it will all be better. So many people have been trying to fix you instead of being there for you. I want you to keep pushing. I want you to learn to love and pour within yourself with a full cup and love and pour within those around you with your over flow. Call me back as soon as you can. BYE
Hello yes. Who is this? Its me Ash. I’m just returning your call. Oh yeah I called you a while ago, how have you been? I want to start off by saying I love you, I haven’t given up. I’m at a state of acceptance. And well I realized I’ve been broken, and sometimes I may still have some pieces hanging or I just haven’t found again. But I’ve never wanted anyone to fix my brokenness, just learn to love my “new togetherness” from what I’ve fixed on my own. Sometimes pieces can be put back together and be strong as ever, and other parts might still be fragile and fall apart. Remember something that’s broken isn’t fixed to the way it was when it was new. It more of a delicate, reciprocated piece that it use to be… And although cracks may still remain. Art is still art, even in pieces.
I just wanted to let you know.