Dear Joy Spreader,

When the curtain to a new day opened, you smiled. You saw everyday as a new day to spread joy. You were joyful to see a friend; you were joyful to see a family member; you were joyful to see your teacher; you were joyful about every little thing that happened. Sometimes nothing needed to happen, you looked up, saw clouds and that made you smile. When it rained, you found music in the rain, and you danced. All everyone heard was your giggles. Before long, they joined to laugh with you. People say, rain has music, but you danced even when there was sunshine. When mom made mango jam you danced around the house with joy. It’s like everything held some sort of special power to make you happy, everything had some kind of rhythm to make you dance. Now when I look back, I admire the easy, effortless way you grabbed happiness everywhere you were. It’s like you didn’t search for happiness, happiness always found you. I wish I could travel back in time to meet you again and carry that secret to happiness with me to my adulthood. Was it the simple way you loved everything and everyone? Or was it that you simply loved being happy all the time? Is love the secret? When it rained today, I heard the music of the rain. I remembered you and all I wanted to do is dance to that music, but I didn’t. Just simply doing that simple thing seemed complicated. I wondered how you did all those things so effortlessly. If I could travel back in time, I’d bring your joyful nature, the simple way you loved everyone and the carefree way you did everything. Perhaps, I need to remind myself: you are me and I am you. I may not need to search too far as within myself I have that seed of inspiration to bring forth a different version of myself when the curtain opens to a new day.

Dear little me, somewhere far in the past,
I envy the days that went by far too fast.
With time moving quicker and plots growing thicker,
I start sadly wishing that those days could last.

To me, at the old house where fun always grew,
Adventures and stories came easy to you.
Through nature you’d go, and ideas would flow,
You learned that all things could be poetry, too.

I love that you wrote tales and journaled your dreams,
Imagining beautiful, colorful scenes.
You never did stop and your pen didn’t drop,
Until you expressed every thought in your being.

Nothing did stifle your creative side,
Living out life having nothing to hide.
No one could hold you, the world did not mold you,
Your mind was a place you could safely abide.

When growing brought busyness, drama and friends,
Your innocent passions came close to an end.
Your mind was twisted, one blink and you missed it,
You now view the world through a foggier lens.

Dear little me, I regret now to say,
Things are much different than back in your day.
There’s pressure and trauma, immeasurable drama,
But trust me; the storm ends and all is okay.

Oh little me, though so much here has changed,
You and your writing were never estranged.
You keep on writing and I’ll keep on fighting,
To gain motivation for one final page.

Dear Little Stac’

You are a source of pure joy and innocence in my life, and I am grateful for all that you bring to me. I love your resilience and ability to bounce back from challenges with unwavering optimism. You approach life with a sense of adventure and fearlessness that inspires me to be brave and take risks. Your playful spirit reminds me to not take myself too seriously and to always find the fun in every situation. Life will make you feel like you’re not keeping up but when the dust settles you realize no one has it all together and it’s ok to make mistakes.

I love that you see beauty in the simplest things and find joy in the smallest moments, that a lot of us take for granted. Your imagination knows no bounds, and I admire the creativity and passion you have in your heart. I pray everyday I’m making you proud. All those sleepless nights praying for the days you would be loved, have come true.

With all my love,

Stacee’

It took me a while to start this poem to acknowledge you.
Honestly, I do not know why.
I did not know what to say to you yet.
I knew that I would have to be in a vulnerable state with you since the last time we met.
I want you to know that I love you dearly.
You mean so much to me.
You remind me every day of who I am.
I love how you show up in my creative endeavors as that is where you shine the most.
You gently give me my daily dosage of fearlessness.
It reminds me how I was not scared of this thing called life.
I know you because you did not think twice about anything.
You live carefree courageously.
You live life on purpose.
Honestly, it amazes me how you stay in a positive light.
You have the spirit of a warrior.
Even through your tears.
You are going to stand up and fight.
I do not think you know how much of a teacher you are to me.
I look to you when I get lost in this world.
We were amazing as a little girl.
Now, it is my turn to carry the torch that you ignited.
I want you to know that you are safe, you can relax, and that I got it.
You will be proud of me as much as I am proud of you.
I love you.

Everybody’s asking you, why girl?
Who hurt you, girl?
Tell a story…
Why’d you lie, girl?
Tell the truth…
There’s no excuse so now you lose.
All alone but nobody cares.
Now you’re asking why, girl?
Why wasn’t anyone else there?
Aftermath: no more feelings to share.
When you push it’s almost like the feelings aren’t there.
Why girl?
Why are you afraid to tell your story, tell your truth, and give an excuse?
If you don’t speak up now, you’ll always be used.
Why, girl?
I don’t know why you care what they say,
but things are important that you say.
All the things, every day.
Hey…
Beautiful…
Soul…
Still, you ask why, girl?
That is you!
You are what you speak.
You are not for the weak.
You will achieve every virtue you seek.
You improve anyone you meet.
I love you because you never stop asking why, girl.

Dear Angela, I am writing you a letter to say thank you. I remember in my childhood I loved to play! My sister and I would always pretend to be teachers! Then it dawned on me that my inner self further down the road on my journey would end up becoming a teacher! As a child you don’t know what you know until you grow. You are just a child trying to grow up the best that you can. Little did I know that this little girl would grow up embracing herself. As I reflect on my childhood, as a little girl, I learned to love myself! I believe that my childhood memories were beautifully made by filling my time with play. Back in my day, social media was obsolete but in my younger years it became a treasure that using your five senses would become so rewarding. I remember playing marble, jacks, pick up sticks, kick ball, tether ball, and with ants! Yes, I said ants! I lived at the end of a street and next to a tree lined fiend. My dead-end street was safe enough for me to build ant homes on the curb in the dirt and I used pieces of clear plastic for the windows for those ants in the ant hospital. Of course, it sounds weird but it’s called play. The power of play will never go away. I loved the outdoors for running, racing, picking blackberries in the bushes for my mother to make blackberry pie! My sister and brother also help to pick these berries too! It was a fun thing to do. I remember I absolutely loved riding my Big Wheel and my bike on the sidewalk and on my dead – end street. My inner self was so open to the world around me. I enjoyed my childhood as a little girl so much that I attribute it to the fact that I was taken good care of so much that I was able to feel safe to explore. Growing up, I was inquisitive, and enthusiastic and this may be why I had so much fun! I was also very in tune with whom I was. I want to say thank you to my inner child for being brave, and imaginative but the best thing I like most about my child was that I enjoyed the moment I was in. I want to say thank you Angela for exploring, and playing with your hands, running in the sun, picking berries, and enjoying the world I was given. I loved that I was able to feel free to connect with me, myself and I! I felt as a young child special, I felt loved and as I look back and say, “I never thought all that I did would make me become a successful citizen by giving back to my community in a positive way.” Those early childhood years made me strong, and determined to never give up and to find my way. I love you Angela a lot more than I ever thought I could. You have given me sunshine and warmth and I hope to continue my lifelong journey still enjoying my life and to always remember who I am.
Sincerely, Angela

Through the Kaleidoscope

A tender breeze,
like tendrils of hair
softened by caring hands,
dances playfully along your skin,
warmed by the sun’s golden smile.
It brushes your lashes,
curling gently skyward,
as your eyes lift to be greeted
by brilliant larimar skies.
Refractions of light dance
from your iris,
fanning in and out to soak up
as much vibrancy as their threads will allow.

Every touch is an embrace,
every sight a vision,
and every birdsong a symphony –
designed for the delight of your
tender fingers,
wide eyes,
and tiny ears.

Hey Little Dude,

Life is good and ironically, not easier. Speaking of irony, it is not scarce let me tell you. You know how you’re always crying out to me for support? Turns out dad was right; phones do work both ways and in our top-secret call log I am not always the receiver.

In your early twenties your spirituality can flourish igniting your awakening. I know you can’t exactly understand what that means but let’s just say you get weirder (in the best way). I know the loneliness is heavy sometimes. As you become me, you won’t believe me but, I promise you’ll prefer it. I know how uninteresting you feel compared to the kids with the longtime friends and the latest tech and clothes and the extracurriculars. I know people just seem to know who they are and what they want and where they’ll go. Just become more present, it will pay off.

You know how people apparently have midlife crises? Well, they sure do forget to mention the quarter life one… Mines could have and should have solidified me to be the muse for a modern-day Girl Interrupted. P.S. little dude, your taste in movies withstand the test of time, a flex for sure.

Anyways, yes you will go slightly insane but bro it’s like an interactive horror movie, only survival is guaranteed. Like I said, life is good!

Obviously, you know I can’t give you too many details on our life because rule one of time travel, duh.

I can, however, share a couple details that you fail to realize in real time. You think you’re resilient for your age but no. You are by far the strongest part of me and don’t let the weight of that compliment go over your head. We do believe ourselves to be stronger than most after all. Oh, to be clear there are 3 prominent parts of us. Good news, you and I count as two out of the three.

Furthermore, you are just so darn smart, I wish all humans knew children are teachers as well. Your intelligence: I’m still unpacking the magnitude of it.
You contain most answers regarding the wonders of life. Uninteresting my ass, more like an unreachable target audience kiddo. Everything everyone thinks is cool about me, I stole from you.

I come to you more than you know. Do not feel indebted to me and I’ll do my best to reciprocate, deal?

Love, Big Dude <3

P.P.S. You can drop your fear of death because, and I probably shouldn’t be telling you this but, you’re immortal. I cannot say that about the other two.

Hello there, it’s been a minute you see.
You seen me give up on you within, when I should’ve called upon you.
To the way that you threw caution to the wind when it was something fun for you to do.
No worries, just want to know what we can do next.
Back when I didn’t care if I was annoying or a pest.
Because to be honest? Who cares? Cause I thought I was the best.
Although it may not have been true, you couldn’t tell that to me
Because I have the proof that would bring you to your knees.
Oh man, but don’t mention that to those trees, the ones that I would climb but ultimately, bring me to my knees.
Jumping out of the swings mid air just to catch that wave of adrenaline.
To toast the crunch with the cinnamon; was the best way to start the day
Then just go outside and find some play
Maybe see some of my friends in the day
Playing outside while gun shots can ring out at any moment.
Didn’t phase me one bit, until the house got hit.
Seeing the visual of what the bullet did to the window
And how it didn’t hit anyone home was a miracle.
But you still went out to play the next day.
Still ready to have a great day.
Oh little one, can you show your face to me again?
The world has shown me those scary truths you wanted to know about
Now I wish I didn’t
Because now I can’t readily access you
But I can promise, that I will try my best to come back to you.

Optimism crushed under the weight
Of life’s injustices and lies
Childlike wonder suffocates
As the world-weary soul grows wise
A tender heart turned to stone
By the world’s disapproving eyes
The inner child barely hanging on
But kindness never dies

The authentic self bound in chains,
Beaten, berated until it complies
All quirks and flaws met with disdain
Hidden under a respectable disguise
The voice of reason utters its last sound
In weak, despairing cries
The inner child broken down
But kindness never dies

Morphed and molded to society’s rules
Into something I don’t recognize
Pressured to become callous and cruel
The inner child’s inner voice defies
One childlike trait persists
Like phoenixes from ash rise
The inner child still exists
Because kindness never dies

It’s in the wind
the wildly abrupt
breaks the glass of your window
but leaves you untouched…
Except for the sound
as your chest pounds and caves
now sleeping with the echo
of the wind that made you brave.

It’s in the song
the one on repeat
memorizing notes and lyrics
caressing feelings underneath.
Behind your quiet cloak
You wore for your small world…
a volume knob on a stereo taught you how to be heard.

Pens, paint, and crayons
always in your hand
recreating what you dreamt
what you didn’t understand
With emotions hard to handle
and thoughts you can not hold
the pens, paint, and crayons
gave permission to be bold.

It’s in the flower
the first wild growth
when the snow became the meadow
and you began to roam.
The flower showed such patience
only growing if untouched…
Except by the same wind
that taught us both so much.

It’s been a long spell
When you were knee-high
Something on my noggin’
Reckon there’s something I ought to tell you

Sebastian, listen with open ears…
Where do I begin
Your sweetness and kindness
Ampleness soaked in benevolence
Wrapped in kindliness
Friendliness head-to-toe
Spreading like pollen essence; dog days reminiscent
Innocence embodied in adolescence
Family and friends alike
Not knowing what a stranger was
Welcome arms spread

So sweet
Curious and bewildered by the world
Grit and determination by the boatload
Many of hardships
Things clear like the open sea
Nicknamed “Bass”
Now they call us “Seabass”

A sweet child with a temper
Trouble was your middle name
Never backed down
Got a lot of dirty looks
Fist fights and bullies
Being half Korean and White is a blessin’
Not everyone saw it that way

Money wasn’t a priority
Content with less
Stress-free

A bright young buck
Forever intertwined and embedded in my soul
In my heart, you’ll always remain
All the same

Dear BamBam,
That name holds so much weight now that you’re an adult. Right now you don’t understand but you’ll bam through unfortunate hurdles that will hurt.
Let’s just say you’re not who you thought you’d be. But everything you’re enduring and hiding will make you stronger. Ugly is only a perception and you will be the most beautiful gal in the room. Your bams will represent power and the other bam will be love. It’s uphill but you dreams are at the top. You’ll inspire Bam Bam and be inspired along the way. Love always,
Future Amber

I Remember when your dad
Used to dress you up in the American flag
You don’t know it yet,
But you’ll still do that when you’re older
I love all your silent prayers,
How you always knew God had His angels there
And when you were sad
You let your tears land on His shoulder
I admire your undying faith
The faith that everything will always be Ok
“There’s no other option,”
You still say that to this day
And I’ve tried to resurrect your simple ways
How faith in times of trial made you brave
And pen and paper became your saving grace
Hidden in a drawer,
The words you couldn’t say
As you laid your spirit out on a page
And we’re still doing it today

You’re the flowers that grow and the water that feeds them.
You’re a breath of fresh air, never deceiving.
You speak your mind freely, unafraid of judgments.
You’re authentic and your love is abundant.
You’re always around, the reason I’m sane.
You’re a protector, you heal me from pain.
You’re strong and courageous, you stand for truth.
You’re wise and mature even though you’re my youth.

Dear Little me,

If you asked yourself what you love most about yourself, you’d have to search long and far for the answers and I’m afraid you may not ever find an answer. So instead I’ll ask the me today, what do I love most about you- I love how resilient you are. Your ability to keep living through the darkest times of your life. You were unseen and in the shadows, but you still showed up despite the overshadow. You seemed to have always known deep within that something would eventually change. Although minute after minute, day after day, month after month, year after year that shadow just appeared to get darker and darker. I love that you always had a voice and used it. That voice- it might’ve been snobby. In fact, the label you obtained along the way and eventually decided to own- ‘miss attitude’ was accurate, you had every reason to be exactly who you were. You used your voice the best way you knew how. I love that you found an outlet in writing, although along the way you lost your light due to extreme darkness. Writing is how I found my way back to you so trust me when I say that too is ok. The absence just made your heart grow fonder. I love that although you missed your daddy, you always had a deep knowing that one day you’d meet him again and that everything would eventually be ok. You subconsciously knew this, how did you know is still a tale to be told- BUT I LOVE THAT ABOUT YOU. I love how you love despite your pains, you fought to stay alive even in the moments you thought everyone would be better off without you. You fought the inner dialogue of negative thoughts that played in your mind like a playlist of your favorite songs. You still fought. You fought through being silent about being sexually abused in your most innocent years of life. You were 5 years old babydoll, how did you carry that for 20 years alone? You have no idea how proud of you I am because you not only fought that tough battle girl, you’re a heavy-weight champ. One day you have to tell the world how you made it through that battle alive. Your resilience is unbelievable, indescribable, untouchable, and most of all admirable. I’m proud of you for fighting through because just like you needed me, I needed you. I’ve only become who I am today because of you Karyll. Because of you, I am strong. I am resilient. I’m untouchable. Because of you, I believe in myself without the need for external validation. It’s actually because of you that I know what true unconditional love feels like. Because of you, I am the woman who would hold you so tight and never let you go. I’ve become that woman that would have protected you. I’ve become that woman who would be able to see you and hear your silence. I’ve become that woman who could love you despite your attitude. I became the woman who could love you- despite the dark grey clouds that created the darkest shadows over what should have been your most innocent years. Because of you, I am ‘really Karyll’. I thank you in ways that this lifetime could not extend to. I love you. I’m proud of you. You are beautiful. I love and adore your entire existence. Thank you for never giving up on us.

– Sincerely, Really Karyll

If someone told you they walked through the pits of hell for the first time at the rightful age of 4 would you believe them? An adolescent girl who’s first true memory is that of abuse, pain, and heartache. The masculine and feminine energy within her ran rampant. For she had never been taught self-love and balancing the energy within herself. She had been knocked down time and time again, even by herself yet she still picked herself up, dusted herself off, and marched on fearlessly. Dear little one who resides inside me, I love your willingness to love wholeheartedly even through all of your despair. Suffering was the common theme of many lifetimes but you decided this one would be different. Your playful nature ignites the fire into those who are afraid to dance and sing the songs of the universe. Your mere existence inspires those who see the light within you as that light also lives within them. Your heart transcends this reality in such a way that it can’t be denied. Never change who you are because you’re such a treasure to this world. One day your art will change the lives of others just as the art of others has changed yours. So express freely. Express boldly. Express even when you feel like you shouldn’t. Always remain effervescence and keep your beating heart filled with love.

My heart feels the cusp of what simply was
Simple – that’s what it was.
The days were gone like the wind as soon as my body counted to 12.
Those memories of being young are so deeply sewn into my back pocket.
A little boy who saw the world for what it was.
A vast ocean of dreams.
Inheriting wide, wild eyes; a simple yet regal gift for the tactful of heart.
My kaleidoscope of essence shows a bright path of shapes full of color and endless possibilities.
Dancing to Music and living like Movies.
Creating scripts and sub plots to fight the urge to be mundane.
Imagination can be a seamless experience.
A tool given to those who really need it.
To think my biggest feat is by design a child’s invention- my inner child’s invention.
A world brought together through an adolescent’s view of a lifeless world.
Who am I if not the director of my own life?
My inner child creates the stroll to the coffee shop into a whimsical paradigm that enchants your every step as you progress closer to buying your gift wrapped coffee with cream and two sugars.
It’s a difference of mind over matter.
Life is worth living when your inner child makes beauty of madness.
To my younger self it was never about getting over the shadows of the world but rather learning to live with those shadows and see light intertwined in the chaos.
The idiosyncratic nature of the world.

Your tears
Your aching woes
protected you from those
who would’ve seen your emotional regulation
as resistance to delegation.
You were born into degradation.
Segregation implemented in encores
due to the seemingly disempowered
state of your vulnerability.
We’re aware, sweet thing,
there wasn’t another way for you to be.
Your safety relied on the ignorance of others, and their belief
that your tears made you weak.
Or untrustworthy.
They didn’t know that this
bombardment of hopeless seeds
sown in doubtless soil
would bloom the brightest wildflowers.
They are all ours.
Offering sweet and sensory
Aromatic melodies
A safe place to land for the
honeybees and ladybugs.
My love,
have never once been stung.
Every year, these flowers bloom
in the fields of my mind.
New, curious seeds are planted alongside
the sapling we’ve nourished to maturity
in twenty-two years’ time.
The ground cover is soft and never dry,
even as the sun is bright,
nearly blinding the water from my sight.
Still, I cry.
You cry.
We sparkle with a smile,
like the sun coming out
from behind a storm cloud
leaving the rain to settle just for now.