Entry #001 of ‘should have been a blog post.’

Tonight-
As I wrapped the very last of my children’s Christmas gifts, I stood back and admired my tree that I worked so hard on. Looking at the ornaments I have acquired; both handmade and hand selected. From the driftwood ornaments I love to collect, to the wooden garland I traced with my eyes, around and around the tree.

Perfectly wrapped stacks of gifts for four amazing children. Four healthy, beautiful, smart, empathetic, loving children.
…
Alive children.
…
I looked over to the couch, where B had drifted off. Pure peace all over his face. Turned my head and listening closely, I can hear Kenz’s sweet little snores from around the corner.
I just listened.
I quickly wiped away a few tears.

I sat down in front of the Christmas tree.
I looked to the left and saw Kenz’s rainbow fiber optic lit tree. The one that sheds, it is missing a leg so it’s very wobbly and filled with unicorn and rainbow ornaments; handmade ones too. And right in the center, the glass pink ballerina pig she so carefully selected just yesterday.

My smile quickly faded.
I became so angry with myself.
Why was I so worried about the perfection of this Christmas tree? The family tree. So much that l avoided these wild ornaments that she loves so much. They were all pushed aside?
Why?
Who cares? What does it really matter?

Why do we so often let these perceptions and expectations of perfection take over what is actually important?
Why do we apologize for the chaos? Especially from one Mama to another?

I thought to myself-
Stop saying “please ignore the mess.”
Stop apologizing for the loud laughter.
Stop forcing this fake flawless ideal on what is already a beautiful chaotic mess.

It’s weighing so heavy on me…

I leave for Mayfield in just a couple hours and it puts a terrible ache in my heart to know so many Mamas in Mayfield will never feel the way I was before reality fell upon me like a bag of bricks. Happily gazing at that tree. Maybe they have no tree left for their home, no home for a tree, no gifts for their tree, or the worst… no children for the gifts.

It’s so easy to get caught up in every day life. In work, in chaos, in unattainable perfection.

I have decided I will only have one, and only one resolution this year. And it doesn’t start New Years Day, it starts in this moment, at 3am.
I am going to soak in everything. We’re going to celebrate the smallest things. We’re going to make new traditions and have family game night.. not just plan it. We’re going to do dessert more often, maybe sometimes before dinner. I am going to say ‘Yes!’ More often!
We’re to unplug at home. I still expect to make lots of mistakes. But from now on, I’m going to make the most of every single one of them. I’m going to stop pretending I want perfection. The truth is deep down, we all want the chaos.

Long story short, put the ballerina pig on the family Christmas tree. Because life could be very different.
Grace and Perspective