Strength. Often associated with physicality.
As human beings, are we not more than our physical bodies?
Do we not have moments of pure emotion that engulf our minds from time to time in this life?
Strength. Often associated with physicality, not limited to it.
Mental chatter- it can get LOUD.
So loud that the body at times fights submission to the mind.
Stopping, preventing, or slowing down the process of what we known serves our greater good.
So, if you ask me what makes me strong? I’ll tell you.
That I show up.
I show up on the days I feel 100%
I show up on the days I don’t feel I have anything to give.
I honor my body always, but I never allow my mental chatter to have the final word.
I allow myself to feel the full spectrum of emotions that comes with being a human being.
There is strength in this.
By doing so, not only am I providing reinforcement to myself, but, in doing so
I am paving the path for others to show up for themselves as well.
And that my friends, is often times the strongest thing I can do- show up and being present.
Show up for you, and for those who can benefit from your light. We are all stars.
Show up on the good days,
Show up on the bad days, and the many in between.
Even when my mind attempts to sway me otherwise…I show up.

I cannot keep standing with you,
waiting with you,
crawling with you,
trying with you,
and dying with you…
while you continue to throw stones at the pillars of my strength,
while you continue to hurl your crumbled burdens deep into my soul,
while you continue to stick your daggers dipped with venom deep into the roots of my spirit.
For it is hard enough for me to pick up your broken pieces,
all the while trying to hold onto my own.
But you see,
you’ve been too busy ripping me apart piece by piece,
you’ve been too busy tearing me apart piece by piece,
you’ve been too busy shredding me apart piece by piece,
you’ve been too busy killing me,
destroying me, diminishing me and my innerpeace,
in order for you
to see what I have unselfishly placed underneath your feeble feet,
just so you could be able to stand high amongst the stars.
So forgive me as I ask of you,
forgive me as I demand of you,
and as a matter of fact,
do not forgive me at all…
as I scream to you,
step down off of my now dreamless dreams,
so they may finally run free and wild…
never to be tamed again.
Step off of my now hopeless hopes,
so they may feel the wonder and beauty of the unseen horizons again.
Step off of my now broken wings,
so they may heal and proudly unfurl and caress the skies again.
Step down off of my sacrifices,
for my brokenness shall no longer be the gifts that you refuse to see.
©️
by t.stokes

Do you ever wonder if the way you look
was a mistake?

Do you think it’s just more of a problem

for you? Why?

Is it because you think that most

look better than you?

Or perhaps they are in a more perfect

way than you feel you are?

What is the perfect look?

Who said so?

Who set the rules, to say who

looks better than the other?

Anyone can be pretty, beautiful,

no matter who they are

or how they look.

Beautiful is having beauty,

it was never said,

what kind of beauty.

You make your own beauty!

Pretty is said to be pleasingly attractive,

An act of pleasure.

Anyone can be pleasurable

and create enjoyment,

That defines beauty and pretty,

And it is within.

Sure, you can look good and attractive

on the outside,

But to be beautiful all over,

You must also be beautiful on the inside.

It is always said that,

Beauty is only skin deep.

No matter what the world may throw at you or

your mishaps, or disabilities,

You are unique,

and your uniqueness is what makes

you stand out from everyone else.

We cannot all look alike,

because if we did,

How would you be able to distinguish

your differences from anyone else.

We were all made different

for many reasons,

but it is what we do with our differences,

that makes us even more beautiful.

Just as there are different seasons,

There is day and then there’s night.

There are many different animals

of this world,

Many beautiful and different flowers

and trees of all kinds.

Everything and everyone from the beginning

was to be different,

that was the plan.

So, when you happen to see someone

That seem to be staring at you,

Because you may look a little

different to what they’re use to,

It is OK, your difference is out in the open,

they could be hiding theirs.

Keep your head up, be strong and proud,

and keep saying to yourself,

I am different, I am unique,

I am beautiful,

and if you want to deal with me,

then you must take me as I am,

I too came into this world,

loved as a child of God,

Just like you.

So, do not whine or whimper

about the way you look,

Accept the way it is, and have confidence

in just the way you are,

Believe and know

that the way you were formed

and the way you look

was never a mistake.

You were made to be you,

Not him, not her,

not me, not them, no one else,

But You!

Dear world,
From a young age, I knew you would be challenging. When my mother decided that a fun life was the better life for her and left me alone at age 2, I knew I had to be strong. The fears, the tears, the pain of crying alone at night I waited, I waited for someone to come show me that you were a safe place again. At 3, I got to “begin again.” My grandmother’s gentle and loving hugs and comforting arms held me at night, and she sang to me. The tears over the years began to cleanse my heart and I learned that love was safe. Untill I became an adult and made a terrible, life changing mistake. Altering my belief of what true love was.

I became weak when his words slashed my soul to pieces and his powerful hands marked my face and body with imprints from his rage. I lived in a cage. I was locked up in the darkness and had to dig myself out of his prison. The night everything went black, after his final attack, I had 3 children to live for.

With the first blow to my head, I begged him to let me live, and he laughed at me. I fought. I had to be strong. His angry hands took me down, I didn’t think that I could fight any longer, harder, yet I did, and I survived his powerful blow to my head. Because I was strong. My will to survive became my power and when I woke up I knew it was the beginning of the end. I was determined to live that night. That night my grandmothers car and my grandmother became my safe place once again. My babies were safe. We were safe in her arms once again. I looked in the mirror and saw the patchwork bruising that he left all over my face. I cried and I cussed. I looked up for the first time in years, and said to myself “I’m strong enough to survive this” I didn’t give up, when I wanted to give in. My life has not been beautiful, but I am still here, and thanks to my strength, every morning when I wake up, I get to begin again.

There is a grieving process that comes with healing that isn’t often talked about, but I think it should be. Coming to a place where you can see yourself without judgement, even if it is for a fleeting moment, is something magical; but stepping into that space when you never thought you’d get there is an entirely different experience. Although I am happy to be at a place where I feel present and grateful in my life, when I look back on that young girl whose nervous system was in such a hyperactive state that she was never present to create many memories, my heart aches for her. I can’t help but grieve the loss of that time and those memories.

I lost years of my life to anxiety, to a constant state of trying to protect myself from everything in the world, while trying to appear as perfect as possible to avoid any conflict or hate, as I already had enough of that going on internally. I lived my life for other people, whether it was me constantly saying “yes” when I truly meant “no,” or over-extending myself to make sure I was liked by everyone. I always thought that I was too annoying or too anxious and crazy for anyone to want to deal with. I also felt like my anger was uncontrollable sometimes and I had no idea how to deal with it, and since I had zero understanding about my brain or mental health, I just internalized all of my problems and my self-esteem continued to diminish.

I’d have constant breakdowns and my boyfriend would be there to pick me up off the floor…I felt so helpless. I remembered looking at up at him with tears streaming down my cheeks and blurting out: “I just don’t know why I’m not happy! I have you, I have my cats, our apartment, my job… why don’t I feel happy?” I even tear up now as I write this, because I can almost feel that same emptiness in my chest in this moment of remembering it. I didn’t understand why I felt this way, and why I was treating the person I loved the most in unloving ways. After years of being completely against anti-depressants, I started my google search for psychiatrists who were in-network with my insurance and proceeded made my appointment. I honestly was under the impression that they were like psychologists who could prescribe medication if they felt it was necessary, but this one talked to me for about fifteen minutes and prescribed me Zoloft.

I want to say that I truly believe medication saved my life, and I don’t think I could have done the healing I did without it, but Zoloft was not the one for me. To be fair, I did say I wanted to turn off the overwhelming flares of emotion that took me over so often, but once I actually felt like I had no emotions, I quickly changed my mind about that. This was only the start of a long journey of being on and off medications until I finally decided to get back on a new medication and truly dedicated time to working on my mental health. I knew the medications were just a “Band-Aid”, and if I ever wanted to be able to feel regulated without them, I would need to get to the root cause of the issue.

That dedication took a lot of courage, and I can truly say that I my strength today comes from the fact that in my absolute lowest time in life, I was able to see a hopeful future where I could live with my anxiety, and I decided to take steps to work towards it. Not only that, but as I continue to progress through life, I am actively working on practicing “non-judgement” with myself and learning to love all of me as I continue to grow and evolve. I also find strength in my openness about my mental health, as I know how horrible it felt to be alone in my chaotic mind. Being open and vulnerable with the world is to show everyone that it is nothing to be ashamed of. I know that everyone goes through their own traumas and has their own healing to do, and I feel that we all need to give ourselves a little more grace as we navigate through this unpredictable life.

Today I feel strong as I am able to share my story publicly, and I am a lot more confident as I work towards being my best self. I feel strong that I have learned how to take criticism and understand not to take things personally. I feel strong in the fact that I am aware that I do not have all the answers and that I only know what is best for me and my life. I feel strong knowing that I will forever be growing and evolving and it is okay to change my mind and/or perspective. Overall, I feel strong knowing that I can truly do anything that I put my effort into, and I believe that is true for all of us.

Dear World,

C.S. Lewis wrote “to love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.” When I think about the question what makes me strong it is the ability to be vulnerable yourself and others even when your heart has been broken. To choose to be seen and known, even when it is hard. As I look at my own heart I see the bruises and blood oozing from it indicating the hurt that others have inflicted on me. However I also how it glimmers with hope, how it is still malleable, how it is still vulnerable despite what it has endured.

Friends have chosen to cut ties me for reasons I do not know or understand. While not having an explanation or a chance to defend myself still stings, I have become more appreciative of the small tribe of people who surround me with love, support, and encouragement. I do everything I can to let them know how much they mean to me and how much I value our friendship. Instead of choosing to self-isolate, I choose community.

I try to be 100% honest and real about the grief that I face. I do not hide away my tears even if it may make others uncomfortable. These tears are borne out of love for the one I have lost—a mix of wonderful memories and bittersweet emotions. The grief has made me more aware. I unite my grief with that of others who are grieving. I also work to comfort them and help them find hope and healing, even as I myself work to find comfort, hope, and healing after loss.

I have been bullied for most of my life. Despite this fact I do not seek revenge on those who have wronged me, in fact it’s not even an option. Instead I use those experiences to help bring awareness to the bullying that goes on in schools and other places and in doing so make you, world, a better and safer place to live. Even so I humbly admit that I am not perfect and that I do need God’s help to forgive the people who have broken my heart. Being able to see the ways that you need to grow and improve shows true strength.

In the past year or so I have had to learn how to ask for help when I need it. I have had to delve deeper into my own story, and my own emotions. I’ve had to become my own protector when no one will come to my defense. And though I know I still have work to do I think it is the process of becoming a more confident, whole, and healed version of myself shows strength.

My refusal to sit in the shadows and let life make me bitter, but to instead choose to blossom and become a better version of myself is my greatest strength.

For so long world you have told me that strength is how much weight you can lift. Your definition of strength made me think of superheroes who could lift more than their own body weight and carry out heroic feats, therefore I never considered myself as strong. But as I have gotten older I have found freedom in refuting your definition of strength and letting my own definition evolve. I have discovered that there is strength in vulnerability. And I am learning to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable has been the greatest risk, but it will be the greatest reward.

Sincerely,