Look into the Unknown
For those afraid of the unknown,
Like you I have been afraid of that which is unknown. For me exploring the things I felt or experienced always was scary. I never discussed those things as they hid a pain I was afraid would consume me if I spoke about it. For many years I didn’t know that the secrets I hid away were slowly destroying me from the inside out. Those things caused more pain by holding them in than they would have if I let them go.
In 2013 those things I was hiding finally put me into the corner. As an escape from the pain, I tried to take my own life. In the aftermath, I was no longer given a choice to hide those things. I began to see a counselor for the first time in my life. It was difficult to bring those things into the light after they had hidden in the dark of my mind for so long. In those moments courage was literally the only option I had left. I had to confront this unknown head on in a game of chicken where I couldn’t flinch. I piece by piece started pulling those things out of the broken mind I was currently experiencing. To say the very least it was an exhausting moment of my life. I had reached the impasse between where my life was, and where I wanted it to go.
As time passed, I began to realize that those things I was hiding from were not things that I should’ve hidden from. With my counselors help I started to work on the other factors that played into it. Anxiety became something that I learned to understand and to a point control. Foolishly I suppressed the role grief held in my life. It was until recently that I finally have approached the courage to tackle that. The journey has frequently been fraught with a self realization that these things need to be dealt with in the moment so that they do not fester internally. Sharing some of the deepest and darkest things I had buried deep brought out the person I had hid with them. By hiding pain I hurt the innocent side of me away with it. I became shackled to the very thing I tried to suppress. Those chains years later no longer hold me. I am working towards being free from them.
As for what advice I can impart it’s this, when you’re faced with something unknown, step into the middle of the road (metaphorically of course) and face it head on. It is when we attempt to take the long way around that we get distracted from the importance of it all. Facing those things terrified me, but not as much as the fuel system in my antique car, but I’m facing it the same way. I’m meeting it in the open, getting some help from others and figuring it out anyway. It may seem convenient to hide but I assure you it is better to approach and overcome it. If I cam learn this knowing how set in my ways I’ve been, I have the utmost confidence in anyone who reads these words. Define it, understand it and grow from it but please don’t run away from it. You are stronger than it.