Dear Unsealed Community
This is a photo of me from a little more than 3 years ago.
You can’t really see it but at this moment I was in a very dark place mentally. It was the day after my birthday and I had spent it alone as usual. No cake, no ice cream, no party and no gifts. It felt meaningless, because I already felt the extreme sadness this time of year always brings me.
In 2007 just 12 days after I turned 23, losing my Mom broke me half. A dozen years of grief later I was lost in a storming sea of emotions. I wanted that pain in my heart to end. I wanted the loneliness my life had endured since that day my Mom left to be over.
July 27th 2019 was the day I decided to myself that I would die. The anniversary of a painful funeral combined with a deteriorating mental and physical condition pushed me beyond the brink.
I spent that afternoon at a gun range, gleefully firing away the large stockpile of ammunition I had for a gun I had bought in February, on Valentine’s day of all days. From the last magazine of ammo I fired, I kept a single bullet. It was the one I saved for myself.
I drove to the cemetery to say Goodbye to Mom because if I was wrong and heaven and hell existed, I knew I wouldn’t be joining my Mom. My plan was to briefly interrupt the serene quiet of that cemetery with one brief report from the FNX 9mm I had in my right hand.
I picked up my Galaxy Note 8 to check the time. It was 7:12 pm, coincidence abound as I was born on July 12th. That email notification had been on my phone for almost an entire day now. I finally tapped on it to satisfy one final moment of OCD in my soon to end life.
The clock ticked a few moments longer, as I read the very first letter Lauren shared here on The Unsealed. Months later I finally came to terms on that letter. OCD, My Mom’s voice upon a chill wind, and Lauren all came together to keep a trigger already partially depressed from a final ending on a decision I made while lost in a struggle against my own mind.
I have had a few rough moments in the days since, but because Lauren created this place where I type these words now, I have remained. A lot of words have power, none more so than the words I read that somber night 3 years and a day ago.
In those years I’ve come to believe again in happenstance or coincidence, or whatever word you might use for it. I still battle daily with demons inside my mind, but I have an avenue to find inspiration just a few taps away.
Someone else’s dream saved my life. That dream saw fit to find me in the lowest moment of my life and pull me back from it. It kept alive a man who felt insignificant but powered me on to take whatever grace I received to donate time, effort, money and care to charity. To explore the vast potential I nearly threw away. To lend my own ears and heart to others lost in the same sea I once was.
Lauren, I will probably never find enough time and space to fully show my appreciation for what your dream gave me by chance. It’s shown me the power of a dream, and to dream myself once again.
Beo do bhrionglóid,
Man, thanks for sharing your story of your journey. I think we need to have a conversation sometime. I really believe I can help by sharing a little of my background and how my journey can help your future steps. Keep building that positive momentum you got going for you. If you wanna chat sometime well that’s what this community is all about. It’d be great to help a fellow NEO guy out. Let me know man.
I definitely will reach out soon. The anniversary of that day continues to plague me every year. It took hold very strongly Friday night and it took a extremely long drive in a classic Volvo to bring me down from the emotional wreck I was.
I ended up burning up about 80 bucks of gas that night but it was worthwhile. These days I no longer own any firearms. The only casualty of Friday night was Caroline’s fuel filter. I know it might be unusual to name a car but it was a name that belonged to my Mother’s twin who was stillborn.
I’ll have that filter changed again yet tonight so if we do get together she’ll be ready to make the trip.
Roger this letter made me cry. I am so glad that The Unsealed saved you. I am so glad that you found a community where you are able to share your own story because stories like yours and so many more can help someone who is going through the exact same thing. Thriving in a world is hard especially when you do not have anyone to talk to. The Unsealed is a great place for people to talk to one another even if we are not in the same district, county, city, state, or on the other side of the world.