It’s been 15 long years today since you left your earthly life. Words fail to describe how much I miss you. All that is good in my heart and my life is because of you. You taught me more than I can ever truly thank you for.
You were born a triplet, but you alone survived that October day in 1945. I only vaguely remember your Mom, she passed away when I was 5. Your Father you never got to meet as he was killed in action in Germany in the closing days of battle before the Allies captured Berlin.
You met my Father, who was almost 10 years younger than you in 1975. You actually proposed to him Mom. That’s how boldly you lived your life. It wasn’t easy raising the 3 of us kids, you never got your driver’s license. It never stopped you though. We walked everywhere then, while Dad was on the road earning the only living he knew how. Like you I enjoyed the weekly stops at the library. I still read ferociously Mom, that’s because of you.
Life wasn’t always easy but you did everything you could to ensure your children succeeded at what we aspired to do.
I never quite made the perfect attendance at school like you did. Like you I initially struggled with spelling. Also like you my mind excels at Math problems. Answering them correctly and quickly.
Mom, I miss our car rides to nowhere in particular. I miss singing during those rides for you. I haven’t stopped driving or singing. It’s during those late night drives now that I feel the strongest connection to you. That connection is powerful and holds tightly whenever I see a lighthouse, a butterfly or whenever I hit that perfect tenor note.
I’ve struggled these past years Mom and it’s largely because of you that I continue on in the lowest moments. You challenged death itself to give me this life, in this is where I find the smallest glimmer of hope and use it to keep going.
You are the reason why I talk to people whenever I feel they are down. You had this otherworldly ability to sense someone’s sadness. I feel that still today, like from wherever you are I feel part of you making sure I am ok.
You always told me that it wouldn’t be easy and told me that if it was easy, it wouldn’t feel worth it. When Robert Frost wrote that two roads diverged in a wood and I took the road less traveled, I know he was talking about you Mom. I’m aspiring to take that road less traveled too. It’s sometimes lonely but I know That you’re never more than a thought away.
I love you Mom
Ta grà Agam Ort
Rwy’n dy garu di
Aww I love the line where you say you are never more than a thought away. That is so true and so beautiful. Roger, your mom would be so proud of you and you should be proud of yourself. And please know no matter how much time passes, she is always by your side, loving you, cheering you on, and wishing the best for you. Sending you love today and every day, Lauren
Thank you Lauren ❤️. I certainly was prepared for losing her. I think the early 20s is probably one of the hardest points to lose a parent. My Mom passed inside a 3 year span where my Grandmother, My Mom and My Aunt all passed between 2006-2008. Also my cousin had passed away several months before my Mom. It was a very difficult time to say the least. I kept my black suit hanging on my bedroom door wondering how soon I’d be wearing it again. I’ve experienced way more loss in my life than I thought could be possible. It led me down several very dark paths and really touched off the battles I faced against depression and anxiety. It was during those hard times that I also walked away from organized religion and lost my faith so to speak.
The important thing was that it taught me a very important lesson about spending time with those that I care about. It made me respect that the time I spent with someone wasn’t a guarantee the next day or the day after.
The logic of Mark Twain came into play a lot, his quote “Never put off till tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow.” If anything it made me value the moment at hand because it may not be otherwise.
A lot of people ask me how all of the loss hasn’t broken me. I often reply “How do you know that it didn’t and that I had to rebuild myself?”
My journey through it wasn’t defined and it sure as hell wasn’t easy. It’s not even done yet, probably not even halfway to be honest. I’m just taking each moment where it comes and learning about myself more within the confines of them.