Love this!
“I don’t know where I am going
But I know that I am growing”
Trusting oneself and trusting the unknown – very hard endeavors but necessary for growth.
Thank you so much! I’m happy that you can relate. Sometimes it’s difficult to know where you’re going, so trusting the process is key. I hope you’re doing well! ❤️
Wow, this perspective and understanding is exactly what I’ve needed. Being human, especially a woman, can be so complicated and uncomfortable and that’s okay. I especially appreciated the last paragraph – your practical advice, the nuances of womanhood and sisterhood, societal constructs and pressures, and identifying and processing our motivations behind our social media interactions/involvement. It’s given me a lot to think about moving forward. Thank you.
Death looms all around us
from our first moment of existence,
at life’s coalescence,
it shrouds our very essence,
like breath rides with the wind.
Eighteen funerals in a decade,
remembering those lost lives lived.
I find it ironic it’s called a wake,
since they’re never to awaken again.
Being Earth-side is hard and fleeting,
we’re all just trying to survive
until the day that every single one of us
will eventually, inevitably die.
Accidents and illness,
people vicious and malicious,
aging bodies growing old and weary,
with tired minds and over-worked spines,
usher infinite possible endings
to this time we’re merely renting
animating stories out of our control, really.
So we need to lead with love,
and remember to take care of one other.
A dollar, a meal, a blanket, a hug,
a conversation or sharing some of your luck,
these little considerations
have wide reverberations
that make us humans driven
towards connection and expansion,
a purpose forged in our blood.
It’s the humanity in humanity
that saves us from insanity
and provides direction on our journeys
as we crawl through life in a hurry,
wherein mortality we find unity,
walking each another home unjudged.
Blessings swirled and danced and wove themselves through the lives of my capable friends, but seemed so unattainable, amends unavailable, to me and my sick intents.
Most days were spent in a thick, foggy haze, plagued with the side effects from alcoholic ways.
Ever drained from manufactured chaos.
Long nights with short payoffs.
And I was cocooned, bound and corrupt, drowning in my poisoned cups.
Doomed to combust.
Further fast-tracking my funeral once I discovered the stronger drugs.
But one day, BAM, a clarity!
A lightening bolt of serenity.
It just hit me – this mystery – a jolt to rewrite my history.
A new journey to heal after a decade of trouble and tragedy.
I could really feel.
This was a miracle I was too long scared to acquiesce; that is until I became more scared of impending, ultimate death.
I had found my hope and I wanted to really live, not just cope.
But I harbored so much jealousy and envy, it pooled and boiled within me, resentments lengthy. I was bitter at social media posts, vacations and dinner toasts, and those who were joyful and friendly I saw as an enemy – such a manic psyche in frenzy, anger too plenty.
So I took a personal inventory, being fearless and thorough as a moral explorer remembering to not rest on my laurels marching forward with decorum.
Apologies were spoken, forgiveness was given, and something that was broken within me now awoken, a new beginning.
I couldn’t believe all this emotion, the cosmos burst open for me to be free to see reality, breathing sober breaths.
Many people helped pull me up and out from Hell’s deep despair depths to where I could be content simply living in the present.
The cliche’s like, “poor me, poor me, pour me another,” I’d discover, were just one of the many clever motivators to help me recover.
In time I would find on this brighter side that if I did what was advised and followed my spirit guides and applied principles learned and tried to purge the pain, then blessings would emerge and inspiration would surge to unlearn a lifetime of my survival skills that no longer served.
What was once inconceivable, an existence so unbelievable, finally made achievable, and with a lot of effort and belief I processed my trauma and grief.
I entered into a new season of mind, something divine, one of intentional design after the old me died.
And happiness and sobriety were not just a naïve fantasy, but an actual goal I could and did achieve.
Today I can say I’m proud of who I became without shame or blame and reframe my past as a gift I purely needed to unpack.
I’m thankful for the positive impact that negative experiences can refract back.
I no longer lack or feel trapped or need to distract from life’s ebb and flow because I know no matter what I undergo, even a heavy blow that can knock me low, will only bestow lessons through which I get to grow.
This meaningful life, once a dream, is now a very real thing, and at the center of my world, with clenched fists unfurled, I embrace all the love that I’ve always deserved.
Alyssa, I love this. I am so happy that you got yourself out of that rut, and didn’t dwell on it. You realized what was wrong, and you made yourself better from it. You took the negative and turned it into a positive. I aspire to be more like you!! Keep up the great work!! ♥
Dearest part of me, Little Bee
Always buzz buzz buzzing free
So happy and willing to be seen
Contrast to this self-effacing she
Where I breathe weak
Your bravery roots deep
Down to the depths of our trauma
Remaining after all these days
The Flora to my Fauna
You’ve had to be our Mama
In so many different ways
And carry us through difficulty
While loving unconditionally
Dancing boldly to wind’s song
Even when I have cold feet
You’re strong like an old tree
Gently swaying me along
Or sheltering when I retreat
You taught us to hope and dream
With the joy of playing dress-up
Our closet overgrown with good luck
Everyday still buds a new costume
You are my soul in full bloom
Forever young but older and wise
Growing together side by side
Branching us out with you our guide
Undoubtedly Love you’ll always be
The single greatest part of me
Alyssa, I loved reading your sweet poem to your younger self. You began with a sweet and childlike image of a happy young girl and moved on to tell about all the challenges she would face. It seems like you still have a lot of this inner child within you. Thank you for sharing your poetry.