Dear MJ,

You do not live in the village your parents immigrated from, no matter how hard they try to make you believe it. The way of life they grew up knowing is not the only way the world or society works. The ways they are accustomed to are not the only correct ways to live or to please your maker, which is something else they will convince you goes above all else, sometimes even after pleasing them. You do not have to hate yourself for God to love you, as Sinead O’Connor taught me (may she rest in peace). God loving you is not the only reason to live, either. Loving yourself, people, life…I promise you, if God exists, in whichever religion you practice, he’s not as unforgiving as people like to make Him out to be. That brings me to my next point. MJ, please understand. Love people, I’m pretty sure that’s what we were all actually made for. But sometimes, you gotta rein it in…your love is never too much, it’s just that not everyone deserves it. The fact that you’re willing and able to love just about anyone genuinely is very hard for people to believe sometimes. The world has chewed us up and spit us back out and so many of us are ready to jump at the opportunity to hurt others in response to the pain we have experienced throughout our lives. What I would say to this is…Don’t stop looking for the right people to love. To share your heart with and be vulnerable with. These are the lessons my parents did not know how to express in the language I spoke that I wish they had tried a little harder to teach me. When I say “right” people, I will never mean there is one correct type of person that you have to limit your selection to. These people do not have to impress or be approved by your parents. At all. Ever. Gillian Flynn wrote a novel which was later turned into a hit television mini series, Sharp Objects. In the show, Camille’s boss tells her, “I forget sometimes parents aren’t always good for their kids”. I resonated with that statement more than I wanted to. As much as Mom and Dad will try to take care of you, they’ll never be able to meet your exact needs as well as you can. Always ask them for help before other people, because they genuinely want to help you and see you succeed. But don’t let them make you think they know better than you or that you can’t take care of yourself or that you can’t survive without them. Most importantly of all, MJ, do NOT let them let you believe that no one could love you more than them. Because, knowing that when they met a part of you that they could not accept or love, and shoving her back into hiding, they cannot possibly love you unconditionally, which is the minimum that parents should do for their children. And they might not want someone to love this about you, because that would mean that they should even though they don’t want to. Love your parents and always respect them. But remember to look in the mirror every now and then and practice confidently saying, “I love you, but I love ME more.” Until you could say it to anyone who tried to subdue your individuality, especially if you feel you owed your life and obedience to them, which is typically true of your parents. Sometimes, MJ, it’s not just your majority white schoolmates who will try to squash your spirit and uniqueness, but it can also be your own family. Parents, siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles…No one is above not loving you unconditionally. We are never guaranteed that in our lives. As much as our parents tried to keep us happy and safe, as much as they wanted to believe they were doing what their duty is as parents, you must wake up and realize, much sooner than I did, that if your soul has been crushed and you’re avoiding life just to not upset them, to the point that you’ve spent the last seven years after graduating college unemployed and still living unhappily and unsatisfactorily at your parents’ home, believing your bipolar depression meant your life was over, trying to disprove that theory by getting better, but rather than listening to yourself and doing what they thought would work to the point that you’re actively doing things to set yourself back, that it just isn’t worth it anymore. Keeping them happy is not worth any of the aforementioned list. Do NOT believe life isn’t worth it, because I know being in the process of waking up from this nightmare that there actually is light at the end of the tunnel. Do not let the lifelong pain of being othered and the feeling of isolation and loneliness your mixed identity gives you push you towards an equally unhealthy familial environment, where we think we will achieve more acceptance and love. If you cannot find it where you are, do not settle anywhere until you find it. Find a way to take a chance on yourself and on people worthy of trust, the right people.