Dear Me,

Self-love has been a journey of a million miles after being torn down time and time again, insulted, hurt emotionally and physically. Self-love is difficult when you’re used to being lied to so much that your mind suddenly becomes your biggest bully. As I wrote in my poem about bullying that’s entitled Target “[when] the weight of the impact hits you repeatedly you learn how to fall apart without learning how to put yourself back together.” Self-love, that’s the chapter I’m on right now. I’ve read the words of Scripture that say “love your neighbor as yourself (Mk. 12:31)” and prayed for the courage to love myself as deeply as I love others. I’ve sat in the Confessional where a priest in persona Christi (in the person of Christ) pinpointed that I don’t love myself well. I’ve made many a visit to my therapists office with a self-love workbook in tow hoping that learning about it will help me to live it. It’s not perfect but I am learning.

I love how I’ve been unlearning the things I’ve learned from those who were trying to steal my light.

I love how despite the setbacks and difficulties you keep trying to put yourself together after you fall apart.

I love how you will say yes to anyone who asks you to dance because you want everyone to feel what it’s like to be accepted.

I love how you are everyone’s cheerleader. You believe so ardently in the beauty of other people’s dreams.

I love how excited you get when you get good news—you can hardly contain it and you just have to share with someone.

I love how you refuse to let apathy consume you but how you feel deeply and unapologetically.

I love how you speak from the heart.

I love how you valiantly stand up for the things you believe in even if no one is following you.

I love your tenacious spirit, your determination, and grit.

I love your ambition and drive to accomplish wonderful and beautiful things.

I love how you have a mother’s heart even though you have no children of your own.

I love that you want to heal the whole world with love.

But most of all if there is anything I love about you it’s this.

That even though the world has been so unkind to you, you choose to keep your heart soft and to be so kind to everyone you encounter.

Darling there is so much to love about you.

And I know that sometimes you forget that sometimes so I wrote this letter to you so when you’re down or discouraged and can’t remember any reason to love yourself you’ll have these 13 reasons to choose self-love.

Sincerely,

I have to say that 2023 has been pretty kind to me. It’s been a good year and I’ve embarked on adventures that I never would’ve imagined in my wildest dreams. That being said it was difficult to choose my favorite moment of the year, however one rises above all the others.

Picture this….

It was my birthday. The July heat warmed my face as I woke to the sound of kids playing at a nearby park in the suburbs of Chicago. I was a long way from my home in Maine but it didn’t feel that way because my other half—my better half—my twin sister was sleeping in the room next door. I woke with gratitude for another day, for a new year of life beginning, for the life of my sister (who is my best friend), for the chance to do life together and much more. I say a quick prayer thanking God for these blessings as I soak up the rays of sun shining through the window and wait for my sleepy sister to wake up.

Our first adventure of the day was to get to Starbucks to get our free birthday beverage. As she sipped on her iced caramel macchiato and I sipped on my honey flat white we walked to a nearby nail salon to get pedicures all the while chatting about our hopes, dreams and goals for the next year.

When we reach the nail salon we settle in for some rest and relaxation. I choose a lighter purple color and my sister chose a pale blue color. The shades of nail polish we chose are total opposites, yet complement each other quite well just like my sister and I do. I look over to her as she’s getting her nails done and see her smiling and I smile too knowing that she is happy.

With our tummies rumbling we head over to P-Quads, a deep dish pizza restaurant that both my sister and my dad raved about. As we walked in the heavenly smell of pizza cooking wafted its way to my nose. We ordered a pepperoni deep dish pizza and devoured several slices of pizza before tapping out.

We headed back to my sister’s apartment and got ready for the main reason I was in Chicago (besides seeing my sister) to see Ed Sheeran perform in Solider Field. The previous Christmas my sister had gotten me tickets to the concert. I had waited for this for half a year and now it was here. The anticipation and excitement grew as I got ready.

Before leaving for the concert my sister and I blew out our candles had a few bites of our cheesecakes that we had ordered from the Cheesecake Factory a few days before. Each bite was creamy, delicious and super rich.

Finally we left for the concert. We arrived at Soldier Field and walked up to the humungous stadium. Khalid came out and the excitement was palpable. With enthusiasm and energy he worked the whole crowd. With the excitement at its peak Ed Sheeran came bounding onstage. I could not believe I was actually there, I have been a fan of his for a long time and here he was in the same vicinity as me. You could say I was a little star struck, even though Ed is such a humble guy. More than that a feeling of deep wonder and gratitude filled my being. How this birthday was so different than the last birthday I’d had where I’d spent the day alone, grieving the loss of my grandparents, wondering if I was seen or known. Ed sang his little heart out and the crowd shared moments of joy, laughter, tears as we sang along to his songs. As the concert was about to end Ed instructed us to take out our phone and use our flashlight on our phone and as he sang we waved our phones in the air as we took in the lyrics, the melody, the moment.

I have to admit that 2023 has been kind to me and that there have been many good moments this year, but this one tops them all. It was a perfect day spent with one of my favorite people, treating ourselves, eating good food, and watching one of my favorite pop artists sending lyrics which encapsulate both the beauty and messiness of life into the humid night air. I felt at peace. I felt seen and known in the moment. I could not help but smile from ear to ear and soak in each moment. And even now the memory washes over me and fills me with a wonder and gratitude that I know I will remember for the rest of my life.

I’m grateful for the breath in my lungs
I’m thankful for good morning hugs
I’m grateful for my community of family and friends
I’m thankful for God’s love that never ends
I’m grateful for a roof over my head
And a comfy, cozy, nice warm bed.
I’m grateful that I have food on my plate
I’m even thankful when I have to wait.
I’m grateful for the clothes on my back
But if I’m being honest sometimes I’m like an amnesiac
Because I forget to count the blessings that I’m grateful for
And sometimes I lose sight of what I have been given and ask for more
But the Lord is good, generous and kind
And brings each one back to my mind
I cannot begin to fathom the many ways
So I sing Him a song of thanks and praise
He has been so good to me
Even working in ways that I cannot see
I’m sure I’m not the only one to be blessed beyond measure
So to you I say cherish each blessing as you would a treasure
Make Thanksgiving more than one day long
Let it be a way of life—a beautiful song
Emanating from heart to your lips
Gratitude rising to the Giver of every perfect gift.
Today I thank the Lord for all He has given
And most importantly for His unending love and provision.

I’m not a robot
I wasn’t made to spew facts over feelings
I feel freely and deeply
I cannot deny my experiences and my story
I have a story that people may know nothing about
There is no formula or algorithm to predict what and how intense I will feel.
I just do.
So mind what you say and do
Because you’ve never walked a mile in my shoes

I’m not a scarecrow full of stuffing and no brain
I know when I am not being respected
I know when there is not an equal exchange of time, energy, effort, and love being given
I know when love is being withheld.
I have learned the difference between tough love and blatant disrespect under the guise of tough love
My brain on the best of days tells me of my worth
My brain on the worst of days may try to lie to me
But that does not change the truth
And the truth is that I deserve to be invested in
I am worth people’s time, energy, effort, and love.
And I will settle for nothing less.

I’m not a tin woman
I have a heart
It beats, it breaks, it bleeds
It can shatter, it can also be stitched up
It is a treasure
Only those who are worthy of it can hold it
But it shines for all to see
Those who approach it must learn to honor it
For they would want theirs to be received in gentleness and love
Just as I do.

I’m not a cowardly lion anymore.
I have found my courage.
And if you disrespect me you will hear me roar
I will roar loudly and mightily for what I deserve
I will no longer tolerate disrespect
I will be my own hero.

I’m not a lot of things
But I am a human
I am a daughter of the King
I had dignity and worth from the moment of my birth
And that will never change
So regardless of how you perceive me
With the utmost respect is how you should receive me.

Oftentimes the best opportunities have the strangest beginnings. This invitation to step out of my comfort zone is no different. It started with a meeting invite labeled “employee evaluation” coming into my inbox. Panic gripped me. I work hard, I do what I am supposed to, and I manage my many responsibilities to the best of my ability so in theory I should have nothing to fear, however anxiety and imposter syndrome make employee evaluations seem like imminent doom. So tearful and fearful I went into my evaluation. To my surprise it didn’t go the way I was expecting. My boss offered me a summer missionary position for a catechetical program called Totus Tuus. I had less than a week to decide how my summer would look.

I had applied for this position in 2018, but was not chosen. Things were simpler then, I thought. Now I had an apartment to take care of, rent and bills that needed to be paid, and I was in the middle of looking for a new roommate as my old roommate had recently moved out. As with many things I brought it to prayer. The words that came to mind were affirming that I should accept this position. My mind and heart were filled with the words of Mary in Luke’s gospel “Behold I am the handmaid of the Lord; be it done unto me according to your word.”

Still trying to discern I told my mom about the opportunity thinking that her practical side would find some reason not to accept it. But I was shocked to find that she was agreeable to it and was willing to work with me to make it happen. With that I decided to say “yes” even though I had no idea what I was saying “yes” to.

Training began and it became a little clearer as to what a typical day would look like. But still I had no idea the extent to which God would stretch and grow me throughout my time as a Totus Tuus missionary. After a commissioning ceremony it was time to go out to our first parish and to teach the children about the kerygma (first proclamation of the Gospel) and salvation history (all the events that lead to Jesus coming into the world and saving us through His death and resurrection….in summation the whole Bible) and the sorrowful mysteries of the rosary. What a tall order for just one week!

This Totus Tuus program allowed me to be a fool for Christ. I normally work in a very professional setting and so there are certain expectations of how I will act, speak, and even look. This opportunity to be a Totus Tuus missionary allowed me to become more child-like. I learned to not take myself too seriously. I sang songs about bananas while stuffing a banana in my mouth, I pretended that I spent 6 summers at magic camp and pulled flowers out of a top hat after praying for them, I got hit with a water balloon covered in paint. I laughed and I played, and I experienced joy probably more than I ever have before.

Another way that I noticed God stretching me is in my spiritual motherhood. I’m a single woman with no children, but at every parish I felt this overwhelming sense of protectiveness over these children and I found myself asking questions that I imagine that every parent asks themselves on a daily basis:

Do they know that I love them? How have I made that visible to them today?
Do they know how much God loves them?
What is it that I needed to know at their age and how do I share that with them?
Is this moment a learning moment or do they just need someone to empathize with them?

As the weeks went on I found my spiritual motherhood growing in a way that it hadn’t before. I found myself tending to scraped knees with band-aids, working to mend hurting hearts through having honest conversations with the children and sharing a bit of my own story with them, I found myself each day just loving them with a profound love and delighting in them. This profound sense of motherhood also opened me up to my daughterhood. I came to realize that in the same way that I had delighted in these children, God (my Father) had always delighted in me.

Another thing that Totus Tuus taught me was healthy detachment. We spent only one week at each of the five parishes we were assigned to. In that one week as mentioned above I came to know and love the children we were teaching. I’ve never been good at letting go….for crying out loud my first and last name combined spells “hang on.” It was rough having to leave them but I also knew that I had to trust that God would water the seeds that had been planted that week. Also, it was always in the back of my mind that this might be my only opportunity to be a Totus Tuus missionary so I couldn’t let my identity be defined by my position or what I was doing because in the end it was a temporary gig. Again I was free to lean into my own daughterhood.

Looking back I realize how Totus Tuus was also an invitation to be vulnerable and to be honest with my teammates about my wounds and to be honest with myself about where I am in the healing process. I ended up sharing with my team about my mental health issues and about my triggers. I had been so afraid to open up to them as we had only just met each other several weeks earlier. But when I shared I was met with love and compassion; I was met where I was. One of my teammates even went so far as to come up with another handshake because she knew that fist bumps trigger me. There were a few challenging moments where some triggers were brought up unknowingly by the people we were ministering to and in those moments, I was faced with my own brokenness and was prompted to ask God for healing of these deep wounds. This honesty has continued even after Totus Tuus has ended. I recently shared with my team members that I am praying a certain prayer for my healing for 54 days and each of my team members is joining me in praying this prayer for the entire 54 days. It has been so beautiful how this experience of community has invited me to be honest about my struggles and how they have rallied around me in them and have interceded for me.

Totus Tuus was one of the best “yeses” that I’ve ever said. I have grown so much in my identity as a daughter of God, in my friendships, in vulnerability and in my leadership skills. So I challenge you dear reader if you are at a crossroads trying to decide between pursuing a good opportunity or not don’t decide based off your comfort zone. Instead ask yourself “what could happen if I say yes?” And then trust that God has a plan better than you could ever imagine.

It is true that the best opportunities have the strangest beginnings, and it is also true that the steps we take out of our comfort zone, the “yeses” we say while trusting God often produce an abundance of growth. Be not afraid.

to my body,
we’ve been together for my whole life
yet there is so much
i’m just starting to learn about you

remember that time our doctor
suggested that we get on birth control
because i couldn’t handle the pain
that you conjured
in that process where
you give me a monthly opportunity
to bring life into this world

i didn’t understand how hard you worked
and i numbed your remarkable pain
for the next half of my life

i didn’t want to feel you
…and i didn’t
but i also didn’t bleed every month
for fourteen years

i didn’t realize that i’d been
hurting you, to numb
the pain that you caused me
but what i did to you wasn’t healthy

it’s been almost two years
since that other gynecology appointment
we went to
when our new doctor told us
that we were making an uneducated decision
to get off birth control

i’m so glad we didn’t listen to her
i feel as though
i am just starting to understand you
and myself
in new ways since then

you took some time to bounce back
from what i did to you
but after seven months
you started up that process again

the pain and blood rushed back
and now you operate like clockwork
i’m learning how to ease the pain
with lifestyle changes
and tracking our cycle

turns out, i’m learning a lot about
my emotions
now that I’m communicating with you
on our endocrine system

thank you for coming back to me
after i had shut you out for so long
i feel as though
we are healing together

our dad sees it too
last time we saw him, he said
“you look like you put on some weight.”
he said, “you look healthy.”

our doctor doesn’t have us
do ‘weight check-ins’ anymore either
i’m finally willing to listen to you
to stop depriving you
of food, water, and love

those unpredictable and disorderly dots
you cover me in…do you remember
how badly i wanted to scratch them off
as a teenager because ‘everybody’ didn’t have them
and I was so insecure
about how we were different

now, when i look in the mirror
i appreciate the incalculable speckles
scattered across our skin
trickling down us from head to toe

sometimes, i can even hear
my late grandmother
telling us that we, “have the map of Ireland
on (our) face.”

if i had been more patient, i wonder if i
could have loved our natural nose
when i was sixteen, i thought that nose-job
would fix my issues i had with you
and while i love our new nose,
i can see how little
appreciation and adoration
i have given you in other ways

it’s almost like, once i accepted you
accepted the pain
accepted the differences we had from others
accepted the messages you tried to give me
i found your beauty
by discovering your beauty
i truly began to discover myself

gone are the days where I numbed
myself from you
when our ribs felt as though
they could poke through our skin,
when we did not bleed,
and matte make-up
turned our map of Ireland
into a treasure hunt

To whoever may read this,

Have you ever given much thought about plants and how they grow? I have. When I was younger I would sit myself in front of our houseplants captivated by them, observing every minuscule change that had occurred since the last time I’d sat with them. Noticing a plant that looked sickly, dotted with many brown specks and withering away I called it to my grandma’s attention. “Breathe on it,” my grandma told me. “But why” I asked. It’s good for the plants, she responded. So I sat there breathing on that plant trying to revive it with the magic power of my warm breath. I didn’t know the science behind it at the time just naively believed my breath could heal this dying plant which had once provided a pop of color in our home and had created a sense of joy in my heart.

Another time I sat in front of a sickly plant and exclaimed “Mom this plant isn’t doing well.”

“Pick the brown dry pieces off,” my mom told me.

“What is that going to do mom,” I questioned.

My mom explained to me how when a plant is not doing well the strong, healthy plants concentrate the water towards the part of the plant that is not healthy to help restore it. I though that was so beautiful. Over the years I have thought about this intricacy of how plants are designed and I’ve thought deeply about our society. During the height of the pandemic I would think about how our society was responding to the collective trauma. Divisiveness ensued and different camps were formed. Meanwhile people were hurting and afraid. I think about how I write this in the month of May which is Mental Health Awareness month and also how I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety in that very month. There are a lot of hurting people out there and they need our help. See we may not be able to serve everyone. But we can each concentrate our efforts, our kindness, our love, and our prayers on those we encounter frequently. I believe that healed people can heal people. We must be like plants reaching out to hurting people and breathing life into them. In the Catholic Church there is a saint that said “Christ has no body now but yours. No hands, no feet on earth but yours. Yours are the eyes with which He looks compassion on this world. Yours are the feet with which He walks to do good. Yours are the hands through which He blesses all the world (St. Teresa of Availa).” We can all make a difference. And I think all of us making a difference where we have been planted, lending a helping hand to those we encounter everyday can create a chain reaction. And that chain reaction can change the world.

As my closing remarks I want to share an anecdote that has struck me many times. The author G.K. Chesterton once entered a writing contest which asked the participants to answer the question “what’s wrong with the world today?” G.K. Chesterton wrote “I am,” and sent it in. While there is some truth in that, I know that we also can be the change that we want to see. Each moment that we live is a grace—as it’s a moment where we can grow in kindness. Each person we meet has dignity, worth, value, and their own unique story—we can come to know them intimately. Each breath we breathe is a gift and we can use it to breathe life into others. Each word on our lips should seek to heal with compassion–because with our words we can reawaken someones weary soul.

We can learn something from the very design of plants. Through them we learn what is necessary to grow, and what is needed to heal.

Dear Future Hannah,

I hope you are living the reality that I have worked so hard to gain for you.

I have been doing the hard work of healing, so that you can know what it’s like to be healed.

I am making meaningful connections with others so that you can enjoy community in the good times, and lean on them in the bad.

I am a student in the school of forgiveness so that you can be free from the chains that have bound me.

I am discovering who I am so that you will be confident in who you are.

I am nurturing my relationship with Jesus so one day we will see His sweet face.

I am asking myself the hard questions so that you can stand confidently in the truth.

I am finding my voice so that your voice can be a continuous roar.

I am learning to take care of my own needs so that you can be the healthiest version of us that you can be.

I’m acknowledging our inner child and learning to honor her and what she thought she had to do to keep us safe.

I’m learning how to let go of mindsets and beliefs that no longer serve me so you can live an abundant life.

I am planting the seed so you will bloom and bear fruit.

I am coming to love myself so that you can love yourself.

I am mourning what I have lost while simultaneously finding joy in what we still have.

I am honoring the past while at the same time looking forward to the future.

I am being pruned by the Master Gardener so that we can grow.

I am hurting and healing,

Bending and breaking,

Loving and aching,

Laughing and Crying,

Remaining and Transforming,

Listening and Observing,

Coming and Going,

Maturing and Growing.

Lest you think your life will be perpetual bliss, I want to warn you that you’ll have your own share of trials and tribulations to face.

See this thing called life is a wild ride with many twists and turns, and ups and downs.

It is both messy and beautiful.

Try to live in the moment.

And when times are tough I hope you fight for the future version of you just as hard as I’ve fought to make this possibility a reality, to get you to where you are.

I hope your love will be something fierce

That you will realize that you make this world a better, brighter place.

That you will continue to try and mend hearts that you did not break.

That you will understand that deep grief and incredible grace can coexist.

That you would not dwell on all the work you still need to do, but that you would remember all that you have already overcome

And sweet girl if there is anything that I wish for you and your heart and your future it’s this:

That you would trust God with them.

And that you would feel comfortable to be authentically and unapologetically you

That you would celebrate how fearfully and wonderfully 1 you are made.

Good luck. Know that I will always be rooting for you.

With love,

Dear World,

C.S. Lewis wrote “to love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken.” When I think about the question what makes me strong it is the ability to be vulnerable yourself and others even when your heart has been broken. To choose to be seen and known, even when it is hard. As I look at my own heart I see the bruises and blood oozing from it indicating the hurt that others have inflicted on me. However I also how it glimmers with hope, how it is still malleable, how it is still vulnerable despite what it has endured.

Friends have chosen to cut ties me for reasons I do not know or understand. While not having an explanation or a chance to defend myself still stings, I have become more appreciative of the small tribe of people who surround me with love, support, and encouragement. I do everything I can to let them know how much they mean to me and how much I value our friendship. Instead of choosing to self-isolate, I choose community.

I try to be 100% honest and real about the grief that I face. I do not hide away my tears even if it may make others uncomfortable. These tears are borne out of love for the one I have lost—a mix of wonderful memories and bittersweet emotions. The grief has made me more aware. I unite my grief with that of others who are grieving. I also work to comfort them and help them find hope and healing, even as I myself work to find comfort, hope, and healing after loss.

I have been bullied for most of my life. Despite this fact I do not seek revenge on those who have wronged me, in fact it’s not even an option. Instead I use those experiences to help bring awareness to the bullying that goes on in schools and other places and in doing so make you, world, a better and safer place to live. Even so I humbly admit that I am not perfect and that I do need God’s help to forgive the people who have broken my heart. Being able to see the ways that you need to grow and improve shows true strength.

In the past year or so I have had to learn how to ask for help when I need it. I have had to delve deeper into my own story, and my own emotions. I’ve had to become my own protector when no one will come to my defense. And though I know I still have work to do I think it is the process of becoming a more confident, whole, and healed version of myself shows strength.

My refusal to sit in the shadows and let life make me bitter, but to instead choose to blossom and become a better version of myself is my greatest strength.

For so long world you have told me that strength is how much weight you can lift. Your definition of strength made me think of superheroes who could lift more than their own body weight and carry out heroic feats, therefore I never considered myself as strong. But as I have gotten older I have found freedom in refuting your definition of strength and letting my own definition evolve. I have discovered that there is strength in vulnerability. And I am learning to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable has been the greatest risk, but it will be the greatest reward.

Sincerely,