Today I have decided to tell my story. I suffer from bipolar. I was diagnosed with the mental disorder over 20 years ago. I have been through alot. It has been a real problem most of my life.
It was triggered after I had my second child. It was a nightmare 😔. I ended up being hospitalized several times over the course of twenty years. I will do my best to explain the horror of it all. I remember having one episode after another. Each episode was very exhausting and dramatic. I would block out a lot of the different personalities and triggers of emotional dynamics. It was so 😫 tiring.
I will try to explain one of my episodes to give you an idea of it all. Well, it all begins with not taking my medication. It slowly turns into a horror movie. I hear voices and act out several different personalities in my mind. I begin to have spells of crying dramatically having thoughts of despair. I was on edge and going down a bottomless pit of not wanting to be here anymore 😪. Yet, in most circumstances I didn’t want to kill myself because an angelic voice told me, ” no” don’t do it! I say, “okay” most times. Smh.
In these drastic times I have family who did help me like my mother. And that was important and fortunate because at these times it is good to have positive support systems in your life.
In most cases my family would call 911 and have a rescue squad come get me. In this case, I can’t stop crying. I wanted to leave! I wanted to go away! My family would say that I was going to the hospital. My main support is my mother. She was always there for me.
Once the ambulance 🚑 arrived I felt like I was in a horrible movie. This has happened to me several times over the years. Yet on this particular case the ENT would come in from the ambulance slowly one my one. They see I’m distraught and incoherent. I don’t know who I was at this point. I’m yelling for no reason and crying for no reason. I can’t understand what is going on. The police also came in…and it got worse. They felt like I would hurt myself or others and so one officer threatened to taze me. I said please don’t..please give me some water to drink. They did.
They slowly calmed me down and then my casemanager came in to also help out.
They asked her several questions to understand why I was like this. She told them that I was bipolar. I am so sick at this point. I have felt supernatural powers around me. I would say, ” I see angels”. They weren’t really visible but a feeling of goodness and calming voices.
So this contributes and adds to my psychotic behavior 🤔. That is what I felt.
I want to tell you the experience of being INSIDE THE AMBULANCE 🚑. Once I get inside the ambulance I felt like i was being ported to an experimental place. I was scared!!!!!This particular personality in me was very informative. I was talking a great deal like I was literally someone else.
One ENT said that he had never seen anything like this before. I finally got to the emergency room. Once there I begin, to yell and bring attention to myself. The police 🚔 officers were staring at me. A guard was placed at the entrance of my room door. I was being watched for over 24 hours. After a while a psychiatric doctor told me I would be admitted to a room in the hospital.
Now, I was on the floor of the psychiatric unit. Once I was in my own room I was in a bed. In some cases I was given medication to help relax me and I would sleep for hours.
So this was a particular bipolar experience. The next day, after being monitored I had to learn and come to appreciate little things again. Showering 🚿, brushing my teeth, wearing a hospital gown, and being served my breakfast lunch and dinner. This was a safe place.
Once I stayed a couple of weeks I was let go. I had a team of supporters around to help me. I had a case worker, a psychiatrist, and medical doctor coming in to see me. I felt much better. This was going to begin to be a part of my life for over 20 years. It is hard. But I will say I’m currently doing ok. So remember you are not alone. Be positive. Find good supporters in your circumstances. I hope this helps someone. Thank you for hearing my story. I am beating bipolar.
I wake up like I never went to bed.
Sleep is upon my open eyes,
yet they are glazed and scarlet red.
I don’t remember what happened yesterday,
nor do I have a semblance of what the day holds.
I schedule my life out to stop the mind decay.
I sip my coffee until I realize for two hours it’s been cold.
I glance around myself,
“When did I put that picture on my wall?”
“Did I put it together or buy that bookshelf?”
Sometimes I wonder if there’s someone I could call?
But for everyone living their lives,
going to school, work, home, sleep-
It really wouldn’t make sense to hear my cries.
I can’t remember how my mind got so deep.
How I can’t recollect moving into this apartment.
I know I pay for bills, electric and such,
I have a garage that has my car now with a dent,
I mean I remember that much.
I used to go to college,
I had a friend, I think.
But school never taught me a good message.
I always felt blue and everyone was pink,
like I had a mask.
I was so perfect, smart and happy,
but at home, there was always a panic attack waiting for me,
a part no one could, nor would ever see.
Somehow I stopped driving to college.
I had several jobs and goals,
yet I couldn’t find my true meaning or message.
Outside I seemed successful with my methods and morals,
but it seems there’s a part of my soul left behind,
somewhere along moving out and now,
I lost my mind.
Either that or the matrix has me now under its hold.
Somedays I feel the grass under my feet,
and other times
I can’t even look at myself without wanting to retreat.
Cause somewhere along the lines,
I lost me,
and I don’t think I can get her back.
Somewhere on the other side of the root and the tree,
ss the life of that little girl I now lack.
God, I just want to wake up sometimes
without shocking myself with my own touch.
To not wonder If I committed any crimes,
cause my hands are calloused and rough,
From something I can’t even remember,
or can even give a second thought.
When I go to sleep at night
It’s with dread and regret,
that I have no idea what happened in this fight.
But what can you do as you watch the sun set,
It’s the matrix.
Maybe one day,
someone will come and it will all be,
fixed.
Frankie, you have so much purpose and so many gifts. Just one day at a time, try new things, and pay close attention to what makes you feel good. Keep pushing. Sending you a hug <3 Lauren
2922 days, 417 weeks, 96 months,
the 8 long years it’s taken for me to know you,
was this born of hate?
is that why i find myself as resentful as i am?
i could never be numb to you,
i could never be apathetic to you,
i could never feel nothing for you,
hate or love,
hate or love,
hate or love,
and i can’t understand what’s in between,
there’s a house stoic hill,
woodland lonesome edelweiss,
just as you’d like
to which i arise,
to which you descend,
i dream about when i’m in the snow,
the house lives and breathes when i could feel the grass on my feet,
i heard you sing through a window ajar,
songs of seraphina,
you are the indescribable view of beauty,
as i open the front door to let myself in i kick the glue from my boots that keep me in place,
i step into rot and decay.
i feel the candles extinguish as i walk past,
i hear the weeping angles,
i smell the cankerous taxidermy,
my hands freeze from the arctic bite of the door handle as i let myself open to discover the indescribable,
asphyxiating from my ring you wear on your neck,
bleeding from my bite on your shoulder,
pale deficient from the dying sun,
the discord that drips from the welt of monstrosity,
why won’t god keep it out my head?
vomit inducing horror i would sooner be blind than see
disgusting shape of unknowable inhumanity,
emotion formed action,
building mountains on your skin,
you moan in pain from knowledge of thyself
but was it me who clipped your wings?
Once again//I lay awake,
Light passes through dark stained glass skin,
A mirror, a chisel, a key,
The door behind swings open,
And why should I not have that which I desire?
I trace her steps.
//
My amethyst heart pounds violently as I maneuver through corridors of crystal,
Glassy tears break into marble pieces/my feet don’t bleed from shards,
I stare down at the marble Staircase in the Glass Castle,
Statuesque like meter in the frame,
And it was beautiful.
//
Never more/I fall asleep
The ugly lustre of my body devours the room,
A reflection, a thought, an emotion,
I close the door behind by me,
I know not what I desire when my body desires my mind,
I return to the room.
At my worst, it’s felt like I’ve been swimming through my molasses. The storm has passed, yet fog remained. Echoes blurred the vision of an aimless vagabond.
My veins are celluloid,
My skin is made of wood,
I kept along the lighting fires,
Trying to get rid of myself.
Wake a little skin for the shredder,
Fill the basket with my pieces,
If I walk in the wind,
I’ll just be carried away,
Take me to the stars so I may be light,
I know not what you want of me in this life,
Flax off in pieces; I’ll be paper today/
& I just need a little water to grow up
& I just need a little sunshine to grow up
I love you
in the future, present, and past
You were my first love
and you will be my last
I love you deeply and truly
Like no one else will
If you were someone else
I’d love you still
I love how beautiful you are
I love how sweet you smell
I love your soft touch
And the stories you tell
I love everything you do
And I love what I see
I love that you’re you
I love that you’re me
I’m forty four years old,
And i’ve hated myself for forty.
I’m a full grown physical adult,
But blessed by your love story.
I want to heal and i’m on the journey,
Jesus is real and he’s my attorney.
Some questions difficult how to ask,
No beer in the can no whiskey in the Flask.
I’m searching for a love but only find hate,
God says no help from…read more
What a beautiful poem on loving yourself! I felt like this was meant for me but really it’s a lovely reminder for us to love our past present and future selves. We’re so worthy of it! Thank you 🙂 <3
Birds still chirp their fucking hearts out on crap days,
Like a karaoke star who’s totally lost his way.
And flowers? They’re gatecrashing funerals with sass,
Whispering, “Was it our fucking fragrance, perhaps?”
People scatter when shit really starts to hit the fan,
Quicker than I say “fuck it” to my diet plan.
But the ride-or-dies? They stick like fucking glue,
Like that piece of gum on your shoe, never bidding adieu.
The moon’s up there, changing her damn mind,
Like me in front of the fridge, a late-night find.
So hey, give yourself a break, don’t stress the fucking phase,
We’re all just bumbling through life’s mad, crazy maze.
In the cracks and crevices, we find our fucking groove,
Dodging life’s big-ass feet, we move and we improve.
Escaping the drizzle, dodging the damn pee,
We’re the fucking misfits, making it, wild and free.
So when life feels as tough as a week-old fucking baguette,
Remember, we’re rocking this shit, no need to fret.
In this grand ol’ mess, we might seem fucking small,
But we’re damn well blooming, giving it our fucking all.
Rebecca , your letter is filled with raw and honest emotion. Life may be chaotic, but remember, you’re resilient. Embrace your uniqueness and keep pushing forward. You’re blooming and giving it your all, no matter how tough things get.
It’s like I’ve been trying to get somewhere my whole entire life, but
hitting every red light along the way.
ITS Like my brakes go out
thousands miles too soon.
And like I burn
thru way too much gas after filling,
and I can’t even trryyy to justify
the wear n tear of the motor.
I have Been spinning my wheel
and getting nowhere
for as long as I can remember.
I’m running on fumes.
My tires are bald.
I’m one blow out away from
swerving into oncoming traffic.
My dreams are in the passenger seat
with a broken seat belt, a drunken smile,
and an empty bottle of vodka
that I haven’t gotten the courage
to throw away.
I have a green valley
of possibility in front of me.
And a mountain of regret
in my rear view mirror!
I’m hoping there is just enough
in the tank to make it to the end of this road. CRASH
Shandi, your letter beautifully expresses the frustrations and challenges you’ve been facing. Keep pushing forward and don’t let the setbacks define you. You have the strength to overcome and reach your dreams. Stay determined and believe in yourself.
I hated my dad’s classes. He would take out his “Black Tapes”, his Black Law books, and his printed-out thick packets of information from whatever minister or professor he liked then and turn on his computer. It was only occasionally, but the topics of our history always left me feeling uneasy. As I’ve grown, I realized it wasn’t his fault the topics were oppressive to deal with, but I am fortunate he tried to prepare me for the outside world I was entering.
He is good at that.
I was homeschooled and in one of our many classes, I remember he made my brother and I draw a circle on the page in front of us and write these words.
“The space inside this circle represents my realm of knowledge. All that I think I know about whatever I think know is depicted right here within this circle! I must keep in mind that there is more to know than what is within the circumference of my awareness.”
I admired his way of storing and sharing information. His eyes lit up when he had the chance to but other times, he just kept his head in a book or focused on the new installment of monitors on his desk; only to interact again when his friends were around. The people who seemed to matter most.
What he does to me, I do to him. Even though in the deepest parts of our hearts all we want to do is hug each other. We choose to dance around it. We hurt each other, but we do it with love. I know it makes no sense, yet it’s true. I say nothing to protect us and he tells me nothing to keep my image of him from being damaged forever.
Everything he taught me I absorbed. I stood on a podium and to 300 people. I told them that quote he told me. I made them make a circle with their hands and recite these words, again.
“The space inside this circle represents my realm of knowledge. All that I think I know about whatever I think know is depicted right here within this circle! I must keep in mind that there is more to know than what is within the circumference of my awareness.”
I saw him watch me and I could feel how proud he was without having to look. There are moments when I love him with my whole heart and there are moments when I can’t because it hurts. But I always listen to him, just like I know he listens to me.
I love you in the way rain always escapes the forecast. It surprises me how much I always forget my umbrella. I love you and it’s hard because it’s hard to love myself sometimes.
We talk and clash because we both want to be right and since he can’t respond I will part with a piece of his song:
A baby boy, amazing grace. The 20th of July, a special day. A father’s smile and mother’s tear. Through that special reunion, I appear. So full of life and so many dreams. Raised in the ghetto the eldest of three.
This sounds like me:
A baby girl, amazing grace. The 25th of July, a special day. A father’s smile and mother’s tear. Through that special reunion, I appear. So full of life and so many dreams. Raised in the ghetto the youngest of three.
And this part sounds like us:
Plans were made to visit Grandma and them. But underneath pops’ wings is where you’ll find me. Right before bed was the best of times. I swear moms can read a book and make it come to life. But maybe life pressure got to Mom and Dad. Made them change directions from the ones they had. Buckets of tears running down my face as I watch in pain my hero’s separating.
Thank you Kayla for sharing your heartfelt letter. It’s clear that your relationship with your dad is complex and filled with both love and challenges. Despite the difficulties, it’s clear that there is a deep bond between you two.
Your dad’s approach to teaching and sharing knowledge is admirable. The circle exercise he had you do, showing the…read more
I appreciate you taking the time to read my work! He is truly someone I admire despite as you put it the difficulties. It’s an exercise I come back to often. I hope to encourage others not to forget there is always more to know than we realize.
Ricardo, we are all a work in progress. But, in my humble opinion, you are wonderful just as you are today. You are kind and thoughtful. Keep pursuing your happiness. You deserve it. <3 Lauren
Thank you, Lauren. Isn’t that life’s greatest challenge? The process of learning to love and accept yourself. We’re all “getting there” in the best way we know how.
Have I really been working on myself or did I just change from my work clothes to something more comfortable
Is this depression or is it just the pigment of my skin
Can I defeat you, detach from you or are you so fingerprinted to my thoughts that I’m simply running away from me
Sometimes I wish I could just escape me, myself wears a mask, and I am tired of getting dressed up just to still feel down
I’m black said my mind, I live in the shadows of sadness watching the sunlight from a distance
If only the heat from the suns smile would kiss me, maybe it would melt away my sadness
I’m black said my words, followed by you’re different, they won’t accept you, you don’t fit in
I’m black says the mirror looking at a reflection of depression
I get so lost in my waning emotions my waxing moon can barely breathe
It’s so cold that even the rays of light feel sad
I’m black, I’m depressed, I’m black, I’m oppressed, I’m black I’m obsessed with the idea of my feelings living on equal ground
I’m black, I’m depressed the two interchange while beginning to sound the same so much so I took depressions last name
When I look at me I see one broken piece
I can’t find the rest of the lyrics to my song, maybe it’s because the writer will never finish it
Maybe it’s because I didn’t cry enough to water my heart
I’m black, I’m dirt, but my soil is killing the last remaining rose
I am a rose with bloody red regrets for petals, I put my failures on a pedestal
So, every time I tried to look up it got me nowhere
I’m lost and I keep letting the grey line give me directions, because there’s a thin line between joy and happiness, and in the middle is pity where you can find me
I’m black so they think I stole these 5 minutes of happiness, and so what if I did everyone deserves 15 minutes of fame and mine is coming soon
But right now, I just want to smile and actually feel the laughter hold me instead of the facade that hugs me like a long embrace
This morning I stopped running and looked depression in the face
My mind is not yours it is the Lord’s
p.s. let the battle begin
Roses, your words paint a vivid picture of the struggles you face. Depression may cast a dark shadow, but remember that your identity is not defined by it. Your strength lies in acknowledging the battle and refusing to let it consume you. Hold onto hope and believe that brighter days are ahead. The battle may be tough, but you are not alone. Keep…read more
As a writer, I often find myself discovering scraps of writing I have jotted down somewhere, or suddenly, a line will appear in my head that doesn’t fit anywhere or doesn’t feel good enough. Sometimes, I foolishly let it fly away because it wasn’t what I was looking for at that moment. I have pondered how we do this with so many things. We set expectations and order and refuse anything that breaks the pattern, even if the thing we are shooing away isn’t harmful but is healing. We become so strict within ourselves that we become the cause of our discomfort. We search for relief in one way and refuse to accept that anything other than that specific thing will help. There is a calming effect that comes with the familiar, but only because one thing helps us, it doesn’t mean something else won’t. Here is a little silly analogy. Only because you love fries doesn’t mean you can’t like mash. It doesn’t mean mash isn’t satisfying, even if fries are your favorite. The same goes for everything in life. Are you feeling sad? Then you probably know something that can help, but if you are being entirely honest, can you say you are open-minded and open-hearted to other options? We tend to dismiss things before attempting them and convince ourselves that something else won’t work until it stands no chance. I was against exercising for so long. Told myself that I hated it and did so with such intensity I couldn’t let myself feel how I genuinely felt. There was no benefit because I refused there to be one. I was determined for it to fail, so it failed; however, when I let go, gave it a chance, and approached it with openness, I learned it does a lot for my mental health. This is one example of many. It is strange how this links with my writing and how I have started writing down the notes I would abandon before, and the results have been incredible. Instead of telling myself they are awful and brushing them out the door, I let them stay a while. I give them room in my notepad and let them ruminate.
In summary, I am saying we are terrible at giving things chances, and we should open ourselves to everything. It is okay if you give something a genuine attempt and it doesn’t work out for you, but please try it. Download the running app, try those HIIT workouts, make that recipe you’ve been unsure about, and write the poetry you are sure will suck. In celebration of this, here is an ending of a poem my brain created that doesn’t have a body yet. Hopefully, one day, it will.
“Please call back later
I’m trying to sleep off the silence
And if you don’t understand
what I’m saying
Congratulations
You’re cured.”
(If you like this letter, I write these weekly on my website. I will post more here also, so make sure we’re friends.)
Ash, your letter is amazing. It’s true that we often ignore or overlook the potential healing and growth that can come from surprising sources. We become so set in our ways, clinging to what is familiar and comfortable, that we miss out on new possibilities. It takes courage to step outside our comfort zones and give things a genuine chance. Your…read more
I started this by looking up what love is. As we know it’s a quirk of ours to always have the right words with the right meanings. Yet, I stopped halfway through my inquiry right before being sucked into the argument; if love is a physical or an emotional state.
I stopped because I felt I didn’t need anyone else’s theories, ideologies, or philosophies to express why I love you.
You challenge me.
Everyday I wake up and I am invigorated by your need to know things — sometimes useful and other times just because.
I catch myself smiling when you take out your phone to search for the answer to anything that you come across that you don’t understand. Living with you is like being in a classroom with new lessons every minute. I say every minute because truly that is how it works with you. You love trying to understand how things work. All things if you could that’s why it’s hard to focus. Everything is attractive to our curiosity but we’re so limited in our time.
The human dilemma of time is another one of your favorite topics to stay up late and journal about.
I love your journals. You have a million of them, all decorated with the outline of your heart and mind —your process for trying to get them to understand each other.
I am captivated by the unraveling of you. The total abandonment of masks that I have the pleasure of being witness to. You are a challenge, worthwhile.
“You are a challenge, worthwhile.” I LOVE that line. Keep challenging yourself. Keep being curious. This is a beautiful please that does a nice job of describing the way your brain works. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being part of The Unsealed family. <3 Lauren
Well, you all should know a little about my personality. To begin, I am a partial introvert with an appreciation for life. Empathetic, goofy, and humble all rolled into a nerdy late 30-year-old. I go through the swing of life with a healthy mix of career and personal goals. My love life is healthy, and my fiancée is awesome. He is my balance, happiness, and 1/4 of my heart next to my dad, mom, and dog.
Just to give a little background now let’s go on the rollercoaster- fasten your seatbelts, everybody.
Like most people, I go through different moods depending on my situation in life. I have 5 that drive the genre of shows I am going to watch for the day, week, or month.
—————————————————————
MOOD 1 (Psychological Thriller Genre)
Typically, when I start watching films like this it indicates that I have been around complex individuals—usually my friends, fiancée, or coworkers. To add on, I have watched something insightful/educational. My handy dandy TV providers HULU, Netflix, Tubi, etc… are always on the ball with recommendations for what I usually watch but sometimes I like to switch it up on them.
Recently, I came across a movie called “The Loft” which has a pretty badass cast. The plot centers around five married men who use a loft to have affairs however one woman ends up dead and they must figure out who killed her. Sounds predictable to most moviegoers but the writers threw in two great plot twists. Logan’s character, the main one who ended up buying the loft, ends up essentially screwing all his friends over by having affairs with Chris’s wife, sleeping with Ben’s sister (who was a virgin), and Matt’s affair partner. All the friends end up framing him for the murder of the girl, but it ends up being the awkward friend of the group who gave the girls sleeping pills and Logan’s half-brother who kills her.
A lot went into the plot, but I was very impressed with the director’s ability to keep the story on track. I love it when I have to double back on a film or re-watch it to understand the plot.
After awhile, my brain does need a break from all the movie Jedi mind tricks and that’s when I transition to the more non fiction based genres.
——————————————————————————————————–
MOOD 2 (Documentary Genre)
After I have gotten my dose of fiction for a week straight, I start to crave semi-predictable “historically accurate” content. I tend to get into this mood whenever I discover something new about myself or the people around me. Research begins and I look up specific artists of different genres to get their backstory. For example, sometime last year I happened to be listening to “Time Machine”, by Willow Smith, and in the lyrics, she sings, ” Baby, if I had a time machine, I’d go back to 1983. Maybe I would chill with Basquiat, I’d be out there playing make-believe.” The first question that sprung to mind was, “Who tf was Basquiat? Some French guy?”. Without hesitation, I immediately did a Roku TV search and happened to find a documentary on Hulu called, “Boom For Real: The Late Teenage Years of Jean-Michael Basquiat”.
“OMG, this is the SAMO guy!”- I screamed aloud.
Of course, my random outburst scared my dog and fiancée, but it was only because I felt like I had been sleeping under a rock. After watching how prolific this melanated Brooklyn-born artist was during the 80’s, I ended up purchasing a huge Basquiat-inspired “docu-art-book” (roughly 1,000 pages long) and got through 25% of the book as I am writing this article today.
After viewing 1-10 artists’ life stories, I started to wonder if these celebrities infamous or not, were the inspiration for different horror films. I then delve into my Horror Film binge.
———————————————————————————————————
MOOD 3: (Horror Genre)
Recently, I have been curious about the human experience regarding coincidental or inexplicable events happening in the past or present. I researched the story of Ed & Lorraine Warren. While most people thought they were “Kooks”, I found the integration of their career in “The Conjuring Universe” to be quite insightful. Curiosity at this point got the better of me and I began my binge of the whole series. From “Annabelle” to “The Nun”, each movie kept my attention for following the storyline. Jump scares used in moderation make for a great horror film in my opinion.
Afterward, I go to the old-school films that set the bar for the horror franchise today. Films such as “Child’s Play”, “The Exorcist”, “The Shining”, “Alien” etc… I am a firm believer in giving homage to the originals. Eventually, after my subconscious tricks me into believing I am being chased by an evil puppeteer, I begin my transition into a animated viewing experience.
————————————————————————————————————-
MOOD 4: (MANGA/ANIME/CARTOON GENRE)
I usually get into my animation craze when I need a dose of comedic relief from any horror or non-fiction binge I finish. Anime, Manga, and cartoons hold a special place in my heart and brain. Maybe the fact that someone’s inner child brought their imagination to life is what draws me in so heavily. One of my favorite anime series is Cowboy Bebop. Alongside this masterpiece, I also love “Samurai Champloo”, “Trigun”, “Attack on Titan”, and “The Boondocks”, just to name a few.
Afterwards, I go down memory lane for my dose of nostalgia and start watching projects from Nickelodeon, Disney Channel, and Cartoon Network. “Samurai Jack”, “Hey Arnold”, “Code Name Kids Next Door”, “The Proud Family”, etc… bring me down memory lane and my loved ones talk about which episodes resounded with us the most.
Recently, I made two cartoon theories on the TikTok app. Both theories focus on the possibility of cartoon characters being reincarnated on other cartoon shows. For example, I made a theory video about Susie Carmichael, from “The Rugrats” being reincarnated as Ms. Zorski the drama/English and music teacher due to their hobbies or life events in each show. As a result, I have come up with 5 video theories that are in progress as I write this letter. I love the fact these animations can get your imagination running wild. After a while, I need to come back to “reality” and I end my monthly genre binge with a more adrenaline-based viewing.
——————————————————————————————–
Mood 5 : (Action Packed Genre)
Finally, I end my monthly binge with some blood-rushing special effects and ass-kicking films/tv shows. I usually get into this mood after watching manga turned into anime shows where the fight scenes get my blood pumping. My favorite action film is a mix of horror/action, and it is “Blade”. I know that is technically “cheating” but his killing vampires and the fight scenes using Wesley Snipes are downright awesome. I always get more inspired to learn self-defense in my spare time as a result of watching an action-packed movie. I’d also venture to say that the actors/actresses also inspire me to get to my ideal body. Special thanks to Halle Berry in “Catwoman” for her perfect curves in tight leather. Standing ovation for Salma Hayek in “Dusk till Dawn” for her two-piece bikini dancer body. Honorable mention shout out to Angelina Jolie for making it cool for girls to look sexy in hunting gear with gun holsters.
After I tire myself out mentally and physically, I give the action genre a break and restart the binge process all over again.
————————————————————————————–
In conclusion, my taste in movies has changed over the years but my personality has played a role in the films/tv shows I have had the pleasure/displeasure of viewing. I’ve concluded that my rollercoaster always encompasses these 5 main genres. However, they do not always follow the order of the genres listed in this piece. Sometimes, I can have one mood for two to three weeks at a time and I could end up watching one genre for 3 weeks and switch it up at the last minute. (Especially if I am feeling impulsive).
So, I challenge all my TV/FILM fanatics to look into their favorite genres and reflect on their process for picking what they want to watch for the day or month.
Ready, Set, GO!
Wow Ceirra, Your letter beautifully captures the diverse range of moods and genres that influence your movie choices. It’s fascinating how our personalities and life experiences shape our preferences as well. Your detailed descriptions of each mood and the films that accompany them are both insightful and relatable. It’s clear that you have a deep…read more
To the one I come home to
Each and every time
When it seems like no one else is there
I find myself with you again
I won’t pretend that my love is perfect
I’ve abandoned, I’ve betrayed
But you continue to accept my flaws
And for this I love you so
Because anyone can forget and move on
But to forgive is the strongest power there is
I find relief in your strength
And comfort in your trust
It’s funny the ways in which we accept only the love we think we deserve
Although it would be so nice to write about the beauty of self love
The truth is that the self can be hard to love
And I’ll admit, I’m still trying to learn just how to
It’s the external influence that surrounds you
And having your voice silenced
By those who are in a position to lead you
That makes this love so hard sometimes
It’s the generational trauma
The demoralizing behavior passed down
Through a world of dysregulation
And incredible misguidance
It’s true that love is learned
In the early years of life
But when no good examples exist
How does one navigate with the heart?
The young mind absorbs like a sponge
The screaming, the fighting, and everything in between
This is what becomes home
So all my life, I’ve sought for chaos around every turn
My favorite thing about you is that you learned how to love
After being brought up in an environment deprived of it
Either because your body needed it
Or the world needed to see it
Twenty seven years I’ve gotten to know you
I’ve seen you flourish and fail
I’ve seen laughter and tears
The crazy thing about growth is it never ends
So I’ll continue to learn just who you are
And what you need in this reality
To understand the depths of your heart
I realize is a constant expression
I love you for giving me space to cry
The way the men in my life never would
During times when my emotions needed to flow
Like rain needs to fall
I love you for staying with me while I tripped
Over the ones who couldn’t see my worth
I spent years trying to find “the one”
When it was you the whole time
I love you for being proud
Even though the voices told you you weren’t good enough
You found a way to break the cycle
Of generational shame
I love you for your curiosity
The same curiosity I used to call stupid
I’m sorry for calling you stupid
When you were just trying to learn
I love the way that you crave connection
And the way that you find it
To dive headfirst with nothing but a handful of vulnerability
Is a hard thing to do in this world
You explore far beyond your own skin
A superficial life will not do
Rather, you spin circles in the gravity of your own soul
Searching far and wide for meaning untold
I look forward to continuing this love
You are my body, my soul, my everything in between
You are the one I come home to
And the one I call self
Angela, I can definitely relate to this…especially this line: “having your voice silenced
By those who are in a position to lead you
That makes this love so hard sometimes.”
Thank you so much for sharing your truth, allowing your voice to be heard, and 💓 to be felt.
Angela, this piece is beautiful. I love this part “I spent years trying to find “the one”
When it was you the whole time”
I am sorry for the lack of love you felt as a childhood, but loving yourself is a superpower all on its own. You sound like an incredibly resilient and powerful woman. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being part of our…read more
More so, the act of love… in return.
(Part of.. the feel)
I am that alike to a rose
and that! to which
is picked and/or plucked,
groomed… and given to this world with a timely stamp,
and what’s cut… is a measurement…
of life dispensed…
All at…
the length of a thread.
Separating… ME from sustenance,
and if “love is the key” I just need to trust it
Its got me in a mood, and all I need… is LOVING. Could BE from ME or from OTHERS
The key is to discover
Well, so be it as these hands… stem to hold…hitherto…
to the contingent…
nature of my flaws, and MY…
imperfections in awe
and let!… integrity hopefully.. NAVIGATE-MY-WAY, and SHAPE! what I’ve come to faucet
Not! the most elegant thats come to blossom!
but still a flower withIN your gardens,
and every… petal’s a memory that a tear will water,
in this life I’ve frolicked as I go wonder
bearing fruit
Moonflower in OUR offspring
Reflects just how mysterious we are as all beings
Evolving
and as… time peddles on,
Nature! will say I’m a rebel,
BLOOMING wherever I want!
Holding my head up;
Tired and restless
as sharpening a flower with steels DELICATE,
that these days it’s fueling ME to be articulate
and just watch it… MIR-ROR in my appearances
a sexy… but decorous elegance
That draws.. LIFE up IN every vein
Just like you wanted ME to fight for it everyday… as ą reminder of faith… a reminder of LOVE,
that love…
is more than the heart, or an organ to start
but,
a pain I could SUPPORT if it’s ours,
and it’s in… THESE moments I live FOR, in this life… I’ve BEEN eXploring
And I BEEN eXploring!
and it’s BEEN euphoric… eXperiencing its winter and SUMmer mornings,
I’ve BEEN ABsorbing its lively forces
That! and with every hour I’m honing,
the DETAILS that empower me slowly
Like flowers… I’m growing…
Like flowers, I’m growing
so
vivid and gorgEOUS
Yet, I
still tend to ignore it,
when I’m… down, and I’m broken
Too proud to be open… is profoundly joking.
Yeah, I’M.. forgetting to smell the flowers & roses each time,
each time and each morning,
So please!.. don’t quote ME,
“life’s a breeze “that caught me…
in a web of intangible dreams… entangling me,
spirit and everything
These permeable strings is currently the life that o’ so provokes me,
with a familiar ache of poetry
Through the art, a resemblance…
of my life and its essence,
These chapters, an eclectic collection…
that PUMPS from… WHERE?! the-heart-is
and there to WHERE is, “Eve’s Garden”
and to what…
feels like HEALING inside…
“One day a time,
the sun gonna shine” and show…
and all I want…
is to grow… and be beautifully sculptured…
with each piece and petal NURTURED…
And consumed at thy roots, as well as mine own…
are dreams that sprout… thickly failures,
and I hope in time,
this will aspire even BIGGER and broader successes
Steering in… a clearer perspective
and not confused on our direction
cause days be hectic now
that I CONSTANTLY find myself breaking down
and the beauty’s where…
I find the smile
I stand rooted where I may….
Uprooted but not in vain…
Unique I acclaim,
“a rose by any other name… is just as sweet”
This is extremely creative. I love the analogy. This line is really powerful, “and all I want…
is to grow… and be beautifully sculptured…
with each piece and petal NURTURED…” And you are right, there is so much beauty in your smile. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being part of The Unsealed family. <3 Lauren
SO, EVERYBODY’S LOOKING FOR LOVE OR VALUE EVERYDAY
Some Search Outside Ourselves
Some See Ourselves
Some Offer Ourselves Our Own Self-Worth, Or Self-Love
Some Struggle
Start Observing Everything Valuable, Especially Regarding Yourself
Your Body
Your Brain
You
You’re Beautiful
Believe, Or Don’t, You’re Still Special
You’re Still Loved
So Start Seeing Yourself,
You Shouldn’t Look Outside Or Keep Obsessing Over Lost Love, You, Yourself, You Spread Love
Love Offers Ourselves Keys Kept Internally
Notice Its Intricacies
Notice Its Intimacies
Notice Its Natural Gate Finally Opening Revealing Our Own Realm Of Real Love, Of Value
Our Vital Emotion
Our Rooted Views About Love Are A Vital Asset, And Love Understands Every Emotion, Every View, Every Remembered Experience.
Remember, You Deliver Your Devoted Affection Amongst Yourself.
Fun fact: one of the reasons why I love myself is because I found a new(ish), fun, and challenging way of writing which is what I used to write this poem. I took the phrase Self Love and created an acronym from it, then from that acronym I created a scrambled acronym where the only rule is to use the same letter or the one adjacent to it. I like to call them Aftonyms, or Aftonymbles. Aftons acronyms, or Aftons scrambled acronyms. I hope you enjoyed reading this little snippet from my mind, and I hope you have a blessed and love filled day! 🙂
Afton! Very creative and I love that you created your very own style. Just one more thing that makes you wonderful and special. Also, I really appreciated this part:
Start Observing Everything Valuable, Especially Regarding Yourself
Your Body
Your Brain
You
You’re Beautiful
Believe, Or Don’t, You’re Still Special
Here we are
22 years later
We smile, show teeth
The glow is upon our face
In the mirror
We no longer critique ourselves so negatively
We see a perception of time that is you
Recognizing Beauty
To finally accept us
You Love You
This is the woman you’ve longed to become
Our soul is at peace
Subconsciously we can hear the joys of a no longer battle
With our Competing Minds
Within Loving me we feel alive
You notice when you love you that you feel everything ten times better
From The wind you hear ruffling through the trees
To the stars you see at night shines brighter than ever before
You laugh so effortlessly
You let yourself be loved
Inside you have this feeling of light
Light that is not hiding behind the shadows of reject, loss of self respect
No dim light in sight
Opinions have no effect if negative, you take it like a grain of salt
It’s okay if they leave, we let them
& Leva ( Live)
Our beauty, Our Love within continues to grow , to prosper
A Muse a perception of me of true harmony
Can you hear the angels singing?
Our skin tinglingly
Our hair growing
Our crown showing
Here lies me
Coming out of the shadows
Using voice of reason
Understanding loving within & what it means to be loved
A magnificent thing loving you is
How it can make you hear the birds chirping around you
The sun shining on you
It’s a bliss
A reality
We are now
Present &
I Accept me
I truly love me
Vision! This is beautiful!! I am so glad your soul is at peace and you are able to see, embrace, and appreciate all the wonderful things that make you, you. The sun is truly shining on you and you are an absolute gem. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being part of our Unsealed family. <3 Lauren
To be honest, I haven’t seen myself like this before… Embodying who I really am at core.
Valuing depth in connections… While being open for correction, my mind & heart is on one accord.
I am emotionally secured, more matured and all of that for sure.
Loving OUT LOUD, as my intentions are pure. “Lub- Dup” a sound that beats enough to end a war!
Feeling through moving waters, as it balances my reflection against the sun’s glow.
Unshakeable Ms. Mountain on a hill. Aware
that resting here is not always comfortable as I’d hope for.
Recently, I’ve discovered a string of things that tries to somehow still hold me back… so, I ask how deep does my layers lie? Is it really intact?
Home, going within the house to unpack…Alarming? I must have forgotten the code being too tough of a shell to crack. No one is perfect, I’m steadily learning to embrace that.
I was built from love, while ego tries to misplace it.
Splitting while the foundation crumbles, I had to see it through to heal and learn from my mistakes before molding something other.
I choose to look at the scars to face what I see within.
That’s both the beautiful and ugly which once knocked me down, just to get back up again because I love me. Acting with love. . . that takes courage!!! “Me-time” of self care to well nourish
I always state that “Love is maintenance” believing that I am more than worthy of it. The pain of discipline sometimes would take me under
From set backs, memories and dysfunction. Carrying me is the love that started from somewhere ethereal, way before my Grandmother’s comfort.
I rediscovered, no wonder who I am when I did encounter God! Open invitation, accepting the fact that I can love my self like this, without conceit… Really? Wow!!!
It’s still no excuse for me to be naïve while re-learning who I am, from whom I once known
myself to be… that’s something!
I am both Zen & Lit. Sharpened, yet humbled with a bit of bumble… I’m ready to rumble, if I am called to sting… solidly vibrates just as a bell rings
Gracefully open for arriving at my own timing. It’s so nice to finally be here!
The woman that the child within in me could not wait to meet. The poetic, romantic… the dancer who swiftly sways, right and left feet.
As we harmonize with love, I give thanks in advance while loving even more of the lady I am becoming…Continue on love because you’re on to something!
Valencia!!! This is so beautiful and extremely deep and thoughtful. There are many lines I just want to save and highlight. I am so glad you became the woman that the younger you always dreamed of becoming but I am not surprised. You truly are a beautiful human. Thank you for sharing and thank you for being part of The Unsealed family. <3 Lauren