Dear Self,

As I look back into my past actions, I realize that there were things that I should have changed. It’s interesting how so many authors, politicians, philosophers have written about ‘the past’ in relation to our present selves, but we continue to belabor the point. McCarthy states in All the Pretty Horses, that “Scars have the strange power to remind us that our past is real.” Without this reminder, we won’t learn the lessons that the past has taught us, but rather repeat them mindlessly as if we don’t know any better. As I recall my worst mistake, I realize today, that it could have been circumvented by simply communicating clearly. However, if you’re like me, and the problem is within the family, you omit speaking in order to be respectful and not hurt the feelings of those you love.
I’ve also learned, that when you speak your mind and express yourself concisely, you get the result you need: understanding. Without talking, how can others know how you’re feeling, or even how you’re affected by a particular event? Added to that, by discussing the problem, calmly, you get to see the different perspectives that each individual is coming from, rather than assuming you already know. I’ve learned that assuming someone’s motives for an action may be wrong, and that is what leads to greater misunderstandings and conflict.
I think that Katherine Anne Porter says it best, as she expresses it best in saying: “The past is never where you think you left it.” By that she means that with the information, maturity you had at the time, you can grasp a part of the events that occurred. However, in retrospect, having changed, become wiser through various experiences, makes your perspective of the event change with time. Here I don’t mean the actions that took place, but rather the reactions and assumptions that you had made.
I’ll sum up with my poetic version of this:

Communication is a tool
You use to oppress the pool
Of depression, that spawns from regret
Over actions taken in past event.

Couch your speech,
Make it into a delicate flower to preach
Behaviors that promote, compassion,
Understanding, love, and devotion.

Best,
Your wiser self

©️ Malak kalmoni chehab ©️

Dear Me,

Thank you for taking the time to sit with yourself and process your thoughts and feelings. This year, you really took yourself & your ideas seriously. Your perseverance through rejection is admirable and I appreciate you, even when others don’t.

When you lost your job in January- you didn’t beat yourself up.

When the bank funds were low- you leaned on your family for support while pushing through to find a new job.

When you felt broke, busted, and disgusted- you sought wisdom in books, the Bible, and your family.

You manifested cool opportunities & got creative with the tools at your disposal.

To me, you may not be exactly where you want to be, however, you’ve come farther than you expected. You could’ve chosen to listen to well- meaning advice, but you listened to your gut & for that I respect you!

Thank you for being you- which is the hardest thing to do.

Love you for life,

Me (V) 🧡

Life didn’t work out the way you thought. 

Don’t get me wrong, your life is amazing now, and better than you could have imagined, but it is nowhere near the plan you had envisioned. To be fair, your ten-year plan was flawless; Everything so perfectly articulated and not a measure out of place. It truly was a sight to behold. A girl with her head on so straight that the odds couldn’t beat her. She’s a shoe-in for everything she could want out of life. Then, came the kicker. 

You didn’t get into your top school. You chose a major you didn’t even think of before. You moved farther away from home than you could have anticipated. And that’s okay.

 You had such high goals and ambitions for yourself.  You set your sights so high that along the way, it seems you lost yourself amongst the clouds. You roamed around the libraries in your head for too long, I’m afraid. You, my dear, filled your mind with every fact, tidbit, and file of information that nothing else had room to grow in such a vast, but crowded garden. You replaced your insecurities with flashcards, your worries with study guides, and your doubts with extracurriculars after school because being a robot could get you into a good school, but being real and being human could not. You misconstrued friendships for tutoring sessions and took your leadership as a means for control, not guidance. You traded the chance to be a kid for the hopes of being a successful adult.

And then this little thing called a pandemic happened. It was almost as if the world…stopped. Nothing in time mattered more than being present because being present meant that you were with the people you loved. You garnered the ability to love and be loved. You were in the present and realized that time is a present, a gift meant to be opened once and used wisely. 

Something changed for you. You learned to let in your emotions and experience life. Many doors closed, but so many gates opened. What you never thought could be attained came flooding to you in an instant.

So, from me to you, I want to say that we’re doing just fine. You prepared me for the ‘what-if’s’ and infinite and endless possibilities that could have arisen. So now, I can prepare for our future. The future where we pursue our goals, but we also make friends along the way. The future where we love and let go. The future where you grow, and I grow with you. I, in your place, will prepare us for the portion of life where we live, and live boundlessly and blissfully. The portion of life where you, my dear, live, and live a thousand lives after because to be alive and live your life is the best present of them all. I’ll do my best to make you the happiest you’ve been and the proudest you’ll be because whether you believed it or not, you deserved to live too. 

With Love,

To My One True Love, 

Those words might sound weird or not make sense to you now, but if you start to refer to yourself as love, your true love, you will experience the magic inside of you, unfolding and taking you to all of the places you could ever want to go. You are the living love story of you. 

Your fear of surviving is merely an illusion, my love. I don’t mean to be blunt, as you sometimes tend to take things very personally, I simply mean to convey that when the lingering thoughts of quitting college commence, flow with them. As you begin thinking and feeling about how farming in Ireland is more appealing than your writing classes and literature studies, listen. You’ve only known the linear path that most are expected to live, but the world, and your human experience can be much more grand than that. Deep down, you know this already, but the attempted ingrained notion that has been passed down to you, is not yours. It’s the illusion given to you from your father, my love, and it does not belong to you. 

You tend to hide the essence of who you are from your mother, so that you can convince yourself she accepts you. My love, this too, has nothing to do with you. While you believe that you must prove you are worthy of respect and admiration, learn to discern, to understand, grapple with the perfection you already are. Your core ideologies are rooted in love. You don’t realize it, but you yearn to be a fierce woman. I validate you from the future; it is safe to allow yourself to be all that you are. Lose the people pleasing pattern of behavior, and you will be pleased with yourself. 

Everything you desire, desires you too. Go to Ireland, have lovers, get tattoos, go to Chicago and attempt a career in stand up comedy-go down the roads that call to you. You will know yourself in a different way than I have come to know us, but we will end up in the same place because the message we were born to share has never changed. I feel no shame in my choices, but I followed the linear path, the path led by outside forces to “success”. Chase what brings you joy from the beginning, that’s having it figured out, that’s why we’re here. Inevitably, you will experience loss, pain, disappointment, failure, but it feels so much better if it’s something your heart told you to do instead of your mind. I took an education course and hated it, but I knew I was here to teach. I taught in a public school during a pandemic and it took that experience to tell me, I can teach somewhere else, in a different place, in a way that suits me, us. 

You are a writer, you know this; this knowledge makes up the plasma, cells, and platelets in your blood. No professor, no parent, no person can tell you who or what you are. You decide what you are for yourself and since before you could even write, it was instinctual that you were born to tell stories. Go live the stories you dream of and go tell the people what you’ve learned. I’m doing it now, and perhaps maybe these are the stories I’m meant to be telling and teaching, but love, the thought of looking back and seeing smiles instead of anxieties brings peace to the soul. The world will wait for you, 

P.S. Just go ahead and get shaving your head over with instead of doing it when you’re 29.

Love, 

A closet full of skeletons

I’ve got them by the hanger

Do you wish to see my morgue?

Come close 

The stench will drive you away

My mind’s dark crevices whisper incessantly 

“Unlovable” they hiss

Insistent I stay silent to abuse because 

I deserve it

I’m sitting in a red sofa chair

My therapist eyes directed at mine; concerned

“People don’t stay” I say

She responds, “Why do you believe that?”

“Because no one ever has”

The skeletons live in my head 

My brain tries on a new one each day

A different tactic to keep me trapped within myself

Are you sure you want to see?

This dark space in my mind is even locked from me

To my younger self:

Yes, I want to see

I want to know every part

Hug each one bone by bone

And love you

Take off the hood from the grim reaper you call your past

And you’ll find a little girl that has only ever wanted to be loved.

Don’t be scared 

make eye contact

Do you see her?

You are the same

I want to embrace your pain

And tell you its beautiful 

Because you are loved

By me

Your bumps and bruises

Are not things to be ashamed of

You are a mosaic full of stories

People are too scared to even think to be a part of 

You have done more than survive

The little light in you has thrived

In the darkness, when no one knew

You graduated

You found a job

You found a home

Imperfection has blossomed you 

Into something beautifully impermanent

A never ending sculpture

That you get to mold

Your mind is your own

And yes you will make mistakes

Blotches in your canvas will appear

And make your life that much more clear

That blotch of paint

The drop you accidentally let leave your brush

Turned into a scenery 

One beyond your wildest dreams

A map that is guiding you

To becoming your best self

I know life is full of unknowns

Change

Moments of loneliness

Pain

But there is also

Joy

Love

Goodness

Kindness

Don’t be afraid

For these are the stepping stones 

That bring you home

To yourself

And I’ll be with you every step of the way

Dear little me,

I wish I could say that life is everything you dreamed it would be. But the truth is neither your parents nor the education system prepared you for a single real life thing. I’ve only just begun to process it all. It seems much heavier now. I have to admit I am very proud of who you are at your core. I don’t know where it came from but our foundation is strong and for this I am thankful. It’s you who got me this far, and you who will continue to touch many lives.I’d also like to say that I’m sorry. You endured so many things, sometimes willingly, because of the way you were conditioned to “be” and you did not deserve it. I will free you of these things one day but I know you would have remained a strong and solid person regardless. This way is healthier and your children won’t repeat the same cycles.

You know a different kind of love now, being a mother of two. I know you never imagined this but honestly not even your hours spent daydreaming could create something so beautiful. Your first is your best friend, he’s like you in many ways. Wise beyond his years, resilient, and creative. Your second, she’s what you wish you could have been; firm, bubbly and such a diva. Everything you hated about yourself- they also possess. You learned to love yourself and healed yourself through them and that was only the beginning. Your heart and mind have expanded since becoming a mom. You learned many things about your parents and grew to understand them and their flaws, you learned to give them grace and forgive them. All of this was done with no guidance other than your ability to dissect thoughts and emotions, your desire to understand everything and brutal honesty with yourself. And you used to feel like you couldn’t make anyone proud? You’re a work of art, naturally. I would not have come this far if you had been a different person.

I want you to know that even though life has not been easy, and you spent many nights just wishing you could catch a break or wake up somewhere else- life has been worth it. You leave such an impact on everyone you meet, you light up rooms, you breathe life into others simply by  being you. Your existence is a gift on its own. Your belief in yourself is all you need and I’m sorry that I didn’t realize it sooner. Anyone would be lucky to have you in their corner, and even though there were times you wished you didn’t give so much of yourself- I promise you it was never in vain.

You’ve been an inspiration to many. Mr. Bean would be proud. He once told you that you were his hero and at the time I didn’t grasp the weight of those words but as I’m writing this for you today I finally understand it. You’re my hero too. Maybe all I needed was to let my brain put together what my heart already knew. Thank you for sticking around long enough for me to figure all of this out. Life is nothing like you thought it would be, the real world is a mess even for those with guidance and planners and strict schedules. But you are everything that I needed to make it this far. I promise to always honor who you are at your core no matter what circumstance life throws at me, and to allow myself some time every now and then to lose myself in the little things that make you happy.