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  • dannicatwhiskers shared a letter in the Group logo of Mental HealthMental Health group 2 weeks, 6 days ago

    Trauma in the Middle

    Dearest Survivors,

    I’m always riding this carousel, which was always my addictive sedative like cotton candy. Sweet and familiar, but toxic with its sugary sweetness filled with empty calories. Everything has an expiration date, a person, and a place, which I would hold tightly in my hand before I say my goodbyes. However, I still found myself in a toxic loop of this carousel I can never get myself out of.

    Growing up, I never felt like I owned my body, people could do what they pleased without boundaries.

    When I was thirteen-fourteen, it was when I truly felt I didn’t own my body. I had boys in my class who would touch me and harass me in the hallways. They made sexual comments about me, they damaged my locker, and they didn’t like me going out with one of the guys in their group. I then had this girl who I thought was my friend at first in middle school. I couldn’t be more wrong. She was obsessed with meand didn’t like the word no. She wanted to own me like her Barbie Doll. The teachers saw me being abused by her, and they told me to control my friend or we would both get detention. She was everywhere, she stalked and hunted me down at school. I still remember her just watching me in my classroom and in locker room . When I would tell people that she was hurting me, people I thought were my friends said I was leading her on and said I was a horrible person. One teacher told me that a girl can’t sexually harass another girl, not a big deal.

    Once I got to high school, also just transferring out of that middle school, things got way better for me. I know this happened years ago, but it’s still hard for me to put it behind me. I never did tell my family how bad it was. They knew the girl was crazy, also she sexually harassed me, they just didn’t know all of the details. It’s something I’m okay talking about, but when I go into the details it’s just sad and I keep it to myself. Sometimes, with men especially, I have trouble being vulnerable with men. One guy I briefly saw, said I intimidate him because of my confidence. Don’t know why some guys get turned on by women being damsels. As for women, SHE made me wary of women, but with women, I feel a little safer. I think it’s hard I was sexually harassed by boys and girls, my brain sometimes would have fight or flight for both genders.

    Anyway, the reason I’m sharing this letter is that you should never be rushed. Never ever feel shame when someone downplays your trauma. You don’t owe anyone anything, you might as well sell your soul since your mental health is like the core of your sanity.

    For so long, I had to keep quiet, but I honestly don’t care anymore. What happened to me was wrong, and it wasn’t fair. People still ask me why I never said anything back then. I didn’t want it to be real, also I thought it was my fault, and I was being dramatic. One other thing, most important, never ever enable your abuser. I try to humanize what those people did to me as a teenager. However, just because you’re hurting doesn’t give you the right to hurt someone else. I’ve been twisted and abused like play-dough. However, I always try to be kind to people, and I never want to make someone feel like they have to walk eggshells around me or they’re afraid they’re going to get hurt.

    I may be an adult now, but I still believe in monsters. It’s okay to say the people who hurt you were monsters since you didn’t do anything wrong.

    Keep fighting,

    Danni cat whiskers

    Danni Cat Whiskers
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    • Aww, I am so sorry this happened to you. When someone violates you, it totally does feel like for a moment in time you don’t own your own body. But remember, you have persevered. You have risen above. Be proud of your strength and continue to move forward in life with power and grace. Don’t let the people who tried to hurt you hold you back, ever! Thank you for sharing. Sending hugs. Lauren

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      • Hi Lauren,

        Thank you so much for the encouragement! I felt better when I shared if that makes sense. It’s something I don’t talk about much, I sort of gloss over it, since it was pretty messed up. I think what helps is choosing my outfits and even wearing jewelry gives me a sense of strength and like this is my body don’t touch. I’m a very fashionable person, which has helped me in the long run feel more control. To those who try to hold me back, living my life, and preserving like you said helps me everyday. Again, thank you so much, really meant a lot!

        Danni cat whiskers

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        • Letting your truth out is empowering and freeing and inspiring it. Never hold it in. Always let it out. Keep being you. Keeping being strong. And keep pressing forward. Xox Lauren.

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