I’ve been so many places, done so many things.
I have made numerous mistakes, never quite reached perfection.
I have been shallow, and vain, sarcastic, and condescending.
I have hidden from the world, worked hard to avoid any real connection.
But I’m growing… I am aware of my shortcomings.
I diligently work toward being proud of my reflection.
How I look, these days, isn’t my concern though.
It is who I AM that matters to me now!
How I treat others, the love that I show.
Taking pride in my behavior, honoring every vow.
I put forth effort these days, to be better, to nurture… to grow.
I don’t throw words around that I don’t mean.
I uphold integrity, and do my best to remain humble.
I choose battles wisely, and always protect my peace.
Hold myself accountable, show myself grace whenever I stumble.
Life isn’t easy, but becomes more beautiful with each passing day.
Today I choose to be completely clean and sober.
I know that God has my back, He guides me along the way.
When I see my reflection, I no longer abhor.
I am proud of the person that I am today.
I move different, always doing the next right thing.
I say what I mean, and I mean all that I say.
God brought to this place, and His praises, I will sing!
I hope for the future, no longer regret the past.
I am open to change, and stay willing to learn.
From within, I’ve built a foundation to last.
I work hard in rebuilding all the bridges that I once burned.
I no longer have to hide my face due to all the shame.
I can honestly say that I’m proud of who I have become.
I know who I AM now, and I’m proud of myself today.
The war may not be over, but every battle to date, has been won!

My love letter about me to you!
What I like about this chapter of my life is being honored to have my degrees and allowing my degrees to work with me as a full-time teacher! I want to say that I am in a wonderful time of my life! I am a wife, mother, mother in law and grandparent. I have raised three successful sons. I have been married for thirty-five years and am a proud mother-in-law and Granna of two beautiful girls!
It has been a lot of work taking care of me and the life I am in. I was a hard worker all my life. I have worked since I was a teenager. I was a babysitter, worked for low-income youth programs, worked at a fashion store, retail factory and so on. I attended a college out of my home state but transferred back to my hometown. I kept attending college but took time out to get married and raise my sons as a stay-at-home mother. In the back of my mind, I always wanted to finish college. Well, I did go back part time juggling my last son between my family as his babysitter to help me out. I did substitute along the way once my older two sons became full time in elementary school.
I ended up receiving not one but three degrees! I received my associate degree, then a bachelor’s degree which led to a master’s degree in early childhood. I say that to say this, my life went well and as intended, but with some detours, however, I completed a lifelong dream of receiving my college degree. I am proud of myself that with the help of my husband and family I completed my dream.
Did I say it was easy? No, it was a lot of hard demands, time, disappointment, uncertainty at times, and exhausting with three sons. However, was it obtainable? Yes, as I finished the course my confidence increased because the light was at the end of the tunnel. Do not give up too fast or not at all if you can, just change course and find another dream to go after!
To you, try to put your dreams out there so people can hear them, and to write them down so you have something to go by. Life will get busy and complicated as you age, but your dreams are still waiting for your return. Find someone or others who can encourage you to stick with your dream(s). Never give up the fight even if it is slow progress. My dream of getting my degree was a long one, and it took a lot of support, but I had to do the demanding work! You too will need to do challenging work as well! Do not get too discouraged but reach out to a loved one who has your back and work hard to make your dream come true! I believe in you, just as someone believed me! In fact, I had to believe in myself first before anyone believed in me! Go get your dream!! And you too will have the best time of your life!

Hey girl
I’m so proud of you even in this turned upside down world
Your beautiful smile and beautiful curls
Exudes your strength, uplifts other boys and girls
Because right now your life is clearly in shambles
But you make it look easy and always have it handled
With God on your side
Along with ancestors and angels
Despite any hidden obstacles or unexpected angles
This life is a strangle
But you are so strong
And when you’re ready to give up,
You just keep trucking along
Singing all your favorite songs
You are clearly Unstoppable
Just imagine yourself far away, somewhere tropical
A Warrior, you are, you have an incredible story
And in the midst of it all
You keep giving God the glory
I am so proud of you
Girl, keep doing your thing
So much is in store
You are great in so many things
There’s so much life will bring
Regardless if it’s good or bad
Keep embracing everything.

Dear Charmaine,

What you love about this chapter in your life is it is believed to be…Pruning time! Pruning is something you found out that continuously needs to happen. You get cut down, cut back, trimmed on. It can come out of nowhere or you can see it coming. You realize that when you are serving God, get ready or don’t be shocked when it happens. He will cut you with things that are going to test your faith. To see if you are spouting words or believe what He says. No matter if it is your health, people, rejection, finances or whatever. He wants you to grow back stronger and more beautiful. He wants you to say “I have a TESTimony” My God brought me through!!! People trying to take your home you worked so hard for. Your insecurities that you allowed people to give you, questioning your ministry and self. Your children’s health, your marriage. Your rare, mysterious health issues. God is bringing you through them all. He will continually bring you through them all! You are here to witness God’s Goodness, Grace and Mercy. How can you do this unless you walk through some swaps, dirt, mud, been through some terrible storms. To say you are still here, you are still standing. God has brought you through. Even though you don’t want the tornado to come your way, you don’t want things eating at you or being cut down to start again. God is able!!! He is letting you be prune, so you can stand beautifully ready to be open again, to Bloom in another Season. Trust God, It is not what you want! But God knows it is what you need! So remember it is Pruning Time Again!??!
As I would say you are actually the perfect candidate for God to use. You have no special degree in any minister, no special teacher degree or a scholar. Not the popular girl and most experienced in life. That is where God gets His Glory from the normal, mundane, not so look at, not so talk about young lady. It is funny that you are someone who seems to be doing some stuff now. Things out of your character, realm of knowledge and expertise.You don’t have a degree in that. How are you going to tell others the truth about things? Well, God is the only answer to how. If you are a believer, it is the only answer that makes sense! That God uses the simple things of the world to confuse the wise. He also is using you again in sharing His Glory by using a health problem. He allows you to have this unique, rare mysterious condition. That teams of doctors are scratching their heads over. Questions of why it came, where it came from and now how do they treat you? There are no seemingly bad habits, no drug, alcohol, or smoking in my life. You are pretty much healthy and young. No high blood pressure, diabetics, no history of cancers in the family. “So what do I have and how are the doctors going to treat it?” So here comes God showing his miracle magic miraculous all knowing power! Showing them treatment to try, but ultimately He has to heal and save!!! That job forever belongs to Him. So, He wants you to testify of his goodness and grace! How often do you and others say no you can’t do this minister thing! God says Yes You Can!!!
When the doctors, professionals and you are all confused about what is going on in your body and why. God is here to say, “I AM NOT! I know all, I see all, I knitted you in your mothers womb. I made every cell, tissue and bone. Just look at me and I will show you how and why I am the chief physician who never lost a case!!!” You have to say Hallelujah Amen to that. So, this rare, unique, mysterious flower in God’s garden is destined to bloom. No matter how many storms come to destroy and cut you down. God controls storms, they cease at His command!!! So even when you are pruned again, because you will. You know who holds the future, your tomorrow and beautifully allows you to Bloom!!!
Love you and keep pursuing your purpose. You love this chapter of your life because God has pulled you through, made you see things you never thought you could face before and show you your strength in the midst of the storms.

Blessings,
Charmaine

Rediscovering me
And who I’m destined to be
Also where I’m called to be
Realigning my life
For how I see fit
Your opinion doesn’t matter here
Reaffirming myself
Restating my boundaries
Protecting my energy
Praying and watching the blessings align
Divine timing I say
Watching it all unfold
And all the manifestations come true
Earlier this year, I made a vision board
I envisioned conversations with friends
And me and the babes have been intentionally showing up for one another
Planning trips together
Celebrating each other
Holding one another accountable
(Hashtag) #RealFriends
And I refer to my college roommates as the babes
I’m so grateful for each one of them
Bestie and I are able to communicate more too
She bought a house and also graduated again
Had to be there for those special and important moments
Also placed “me” time on there
And as I write this poem, I’m discovering me again
The writer within
Time spent with me is allowing me to be free
And write from the heart
And write what feels good
In yoga, they say “find what feels good and listen to your body”
Shout out to Ritual, constantly reminding her to show up for herself and that her rituals are sacred
Her heart was broken
It wasn’t easy and yet she pushed through it
She did the work, I mean is doing the work
Shout out to her therapist
She gets it, she understands
She follows up and follows through
She encourages her to take good care
She makes recommendations
Still grateful that I actually listened and checked out ACA
Her mind is happy she’s progressing from hurting, to healing, to helping
Helping herself
Helping her loved ones
Healing from the shame and blame from the past
Because she realized some of it, was not even hers to carry
She’s lighter, since she’s let go of those loads
She is remembering all the love her Grams showed
She is remembering the patience her Auntie gave
She is taking all the obstacles she’s ever faced
And using them as stepping stones to get her back on track
She’s been resilient
And full of strength
All of life’s lessons has prepared her for this very moment
She’s courageous
Even when she feels discouraged and alone
Because she knows she is truly never alone
Or on her own
God is within her, she will not fail
Or fall
And absolutely, that’s a Psalm
Psalms 46:5 to be exact
She’s reminded by God’s love and wisdom along with His grace and mercy
That she could do all things through him
This year of rediscovery, has strengthened her relationship with herself
Strengthened her relationship with God
She needs her physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health in alignment to be the best version of herself
She’s being the best she can be
She is loving and living life unapologetically
On the path to rediscovery
Her mom loves to say “a journey of a thousand miles starts with one footstep”
So cheers to taking the first step
To reclaim her life
To putting herself first
To finally recognizing her worth
To being intentional with her time
For celebrating herself the way she celebrates and supports others
To realizing that she’s not in control
To knowing that she can’t change people or the past
And because of this, reminding herself that all she can do is pray for people and encourage them to take better care of themselves

This year of rediscovery
I’ve grown and learned
I’ve gotten closer with myself
No longer afraid of being alone
Or doing it on my own
Carving out time to do what I love and get back to me
Self love is the best love
And I absolutely love myself
Grateful to be on the other side of it all now
Ready to welcome what’s next with open arms

Solitude is where I find myself.
While feeling lonely at times,
I have learned to love the solitude that comes from rediscovering who I am.
After years of unlimited care for others and helping others achieve their goals while putting mine on hold, I had to learn how to say no and set boundaries.
But how selfish of you, they said.
Do you not care? They asked.
Who are you? They wondered.
You’ve changed. They spoke.
What happened to the sweet girl? They asked each other.
Who hurt her? They asked with confusion.
No, I am not selfish. Or maybe I am, and I love that for myself. No, I will not apologize.
Yes, I care, deeply. Deeper than they can imagine.
I didn’t know who I was either. After putting all of my energy into making everyone happy and taking care of everyone else’s needs, I lost myself. She is gone, nowhere to be found or heard, which is why I am so absent, withdrawn, and alone. While others call my life lonely, I call it rediscovery.
I love the peace of mind from being the opposite of who I was.
Yes, I changed and there is no denying it.
I am not that girl anymore.
The one that had no boundaries.
The one that always said yes.
The one that was going out of her way to serve others.
What can I say my cup was leaky, too many cracks, too many spills, and not enough repair or filling of my cup.
I had nothing left.
The cracks got bigger.
The hurt was deeper.
The cup emptied.
Not a drop left.
Suffocated is what I was.
No one was filling, only taking and taking.
Ignoring how fragile my cup was and the cracks getting deeper.
Eventually, I shattered.
I realized it was no one’s fault but mine.
Nobody owed me anything, not a hug, no support, and especially not their time when I needed it most.
It was my fault I was hurting.
The only one who can repair my fragile cup is me.
I now realize that as much as I would love for someone to be there for me when I am feeling hopeless and lost, just like I am always there for those I love, I cannot put that burden on them.
I’ve always been the daughter, friend, and sister that seems to have no problems.
We never have to worry about her, she always finds her way. I hear them say.
She’s so strong and independent. Again, they don’t know how fragile I am because I carry myself and my stressors well.
However, instead of hating how fragile I am and how others view me as a strong woman, now I love that I am accepting all of the broken pieces and one day at a time I am slowly putting those pieces together with the same love, care and time I invested on others.
Solitude has helped me learn to love all of myself, the good, the bad, the broken, and the weird.
I am thankful for the emptiness because it pushed me to rediscover my inner child, and my happiness, and overall opened my eyes to the takers.

Dear Tammy,

I know this is a crazy time right now. I can’t believe I had the courage to quit my job without having another one lined up. That something I never did in my life. I literally don’t have much to live on right now and can’t even afford to pay my own bills, but I been down this road before.

I felt unappreciated at my last job even though I did my best to succeed. Sometimes you just must take a stand and say enough is enough. Funny thing is my Employer took it well and so did my coworker’s. Except for one coworker who felt it was her mission in life to put me down. I told her I give up and I am quitting. I don’t know if she did not believe me or what but for 3 weeks, I had to Endure her emotional trauma of insults, sudden niceness, nosiness etc. Again, why is it my fault for other people’s issues. Have you ever heard of grieving the dead? I never seen grieving the living. Oh well not my concern.

I applied to at least 30 jobs each one turning me down for some lame excuse which at this point has become laugh able. I always said it better to laugh in the face of fear then let people believe they got the best of you. I have generated this AI photo of myself and thought I want to be this person. My mom tells me it fake. It not really you. Why would I want to look like the person I don’t want to be? I do not believe what my mom tells me. Who is she to tell me what to become? Sometimes people forget you are NOT them. You are your own unique person and need to develop into a greater person too. Sometimes, I wonder who am I?

I posted the image on LinkedIn; it pretty much looks like me. I got a message from a previous employer wanted me to come back. I thought might as well. The company has grown, and they do have a lot of success and he is never wrong. I did an interview, and I was told I would get another. Yet to hear back yet. To keep myself busy, I decided to inquire about going back to college. Do Hybrid so I can learn better. I learn better on my own then in a class.
I remember one time paying money for an English class only to have one student crying about her life and her troubles. I though why am I paying for an education to listen to someone else’s story. It did not seem right to me, and I drop out never to return. I have many times in the past tried to return only to be told that my financial aid did not go through or that I did not past a test and would not be accepted. After a while you give up hope until somebody in life reminds you about how smart they believe you are. Who know I thought maybe things changed since then and it much easier than before? Maybe?

It all started off as a simple inquiry and next thing I knew I am enrolled in a class for Fall. Even got a guidance Counselor to help me on what I need. I did all this online in just two days. Insane I know. It is expensive but I was able to set up a payment plan and file for financial aid. If that does not work maybe a job will offer Tuition Reimbursement. I decided to change my Major to Human Services, why? Because I had an interview for a job and one company was interesting, and I had no idea that career path even existed. Wow I thought that so me. I had the credits that I needed to get my associates. My only worry is the Math class. Biology I can get through. Math not so much. I must take a placement test on Saturday. I needed a student ID. I just learned that you could get one online just send your own photo. It was way to easy to do and I still not idea what Hybrid learning is, even though I took a class on that and got an award for passing.

Anyways, I got this email about a contest, and I thought to myself the money could really assist me on paying for my class and might help someone else in the process. On one of my many failed interviews someone said to me you should write something new to publish and I said to him. I just need a little inspiration.

Hopefully, Yours

Tammy Rachal

Born in a small town in the sixties. Being black and born to a teenager who was in love with an older man. A product of forced marriage. No love, no unity. No education, no job. Annulment. GED, new man, remarried.
New family. Hated because of who the biological dad was. Alone. Biological is killed. Too much for a 6yr old. New siblings. Alone again.
Teenage life brings about perverted old men. No one believes the stories. Alone. Alcohol, parties, babies, abortions, depression. Alone.
Giving birth because you’re in love. He’s gone. Alone. Evictions. Graduation, College. Pregnancy. Grandma.
Children turn their backs on you. Alone.
Aged 55, starting over. Alone
It’s Peach picking season. Might pickle some, make a pie, or eat them straight from the tree.
One thing for certain, I will no longer be burned by the flames of others. I am a Sweet Peach…

Dear Droyer,

Wow. You have been on a RIDE. How you doing, kid? You hydrating? You should be. How’s the brain? Still beautiful but frustrating as all hell? Never works the way other people think it should? Good. That means it’s yours, and yours alone. And it’s good that other people don’t get it; you can’t expect random idiots gawking on the street to understand Spiderman as he swings through Manhattan on a web line.

We could spend this time going over all the crap you’ve lived through: the hell of being raised by a narcissistic, abusive mother, being beaten and repeatedly assaulted by your sister. We could go over the abusive boyfriends you’ve survived or the friends that used you. We could discuss at length, the trauma that led you to cut off your family of origin for good, and cast yourself adrift in the waters of uncertainty.

But let’s not, okay? Rearview mirror. Looking back is great and all, to inform your journey forward, but too much looking back and you wrap yourself around a tree, and while I love a good tree-hugging every now and again… maaaaaybe we keep our eyes on the road, huh?

Anyway, let’s talk about the silver lining. All that crap? All that pain? There was meaning in it. There was light in it. There was love in it. If you hadn’t been hurt by those cruel, awful people, you wouldn’t have moved to Washington, and you wouldn’t have met the love of your life. Your hubby, by the way, is just as weird, just as quirky, just as hilarious as you are, and best of all? He loves you exactly for who you are, would never change you, and always has your back. Great job! Not exactly sure how you pulled that one off, but… lucky you!

Had you not moved to Washington, you wouldn’t have met your best friend, whose wife you ADORE and whose kids you spoil ROTTEN. Your niece and nephew absolutely think the world of you–granted, they’re babies so they have no basis for comparison, but still! They’re good people and they love the heck outta you.

If you hadn’t gone through the pain of letting your bio family drop away, the loneliness and the isolation of being disconnected from them, you wouldn’t have thrown yourself fully into your CHOSEN family. You wouldn’t have healed! You wouldn’t have grown! You’d still be sad, and that’s not a good look on you.

Your writing would still be sad, depressed and dark, too–and we’ll leave the dark gritty writing to M. Night Shyamalan; he can have the twist endings too, I’m kinda over them, to be honest.

You’ve written an audio series, about a female horror villain trying to take her place amongst a bunch of misogynistic male horror villains, and everyone who’s ever heard it laughs so hard they pee a little. A critical analysis might reveal that when writing these misogynistic creeps, you were simply writing your own bio family, and who doesn’t love laughing at the people who’ve hurt you? Nicely done!

Humor means you’re healing, and that definitely looks good on you.

I love you, Droyer. It’s taken me a long time to be able to say that to you, because for a long time, I hated you–myself. But I love you, and I think you’re great. I want only the best for you, and I want you to thrive. This moment in your life, this place in your life, while imperfect, is miles beyond all the pain you’ve endured.

Your soul is light as a feather, your heart is full of laughter, your mind is clear.

You really are a superhero, and you will continue to soar.

Don’t worry about making me proud, Droyer.

I already am, and I always will be.

What I love about this chapter of my life is that I am here to write it.

So many storied lives go unpublished.
Short ones are the most unwritten–part of what makes them so tragic:

There is an inherent injustice to a tale that never makes it past the first sentence, never lives as a fully realized premise.

Yet, here I am to even write that. What an existence!
I don’t need it to rhyme, though that’s always nice.
I don’t get to know the whole plot line, but I do choose my own adventures.

In this chapter of my life, I know that I can hide
or reveal myself in–or is it with?–these words.

All that really matters is that I do sit and commit
To writing it–this chapter, that is–
For I’ll never truly know if it’s the last one.

But the last thing I love about this part of my narrative
is that I’m finally sure the present chapter is always the best one.

Until tomorrow, that is.

Life is a game. It has its ups and downs; sometimes we win, sometimes we lose. Currently, I find myself on the downslope. I write to remember about this moment, for when life gets though, that’s when life teaches us the most.

Despite not being in my best condition, this chapter of life is beautiful to me. When choices are limited or budgets are tight, we are forced to choose priorities. And therein lies the blessing in disguise.

For the first decades of my life, I was pressured to always excel. As the eldest daughter of the family, I bore the burden of being an example for my younger siblings, under constant scrutiny not only from my own family, but also from my extended relatives who always compared me to my cousins who are only one year older than me. I didn’t realize it at the time, but now I can see I was always afraid of being a failure. It felt like an unending competition—be it over report cards, physical growth, or even the boyfriends. As one by one of my cousins got married and had children, I felt the collective gazes turn towards me. Even after I married and started a family of my own, the fear of failure kept hunting me. Until the day of the car accident.

That accident left our car totaled, and I have never been the same. My body started acting weird –tingling sensations in my legs, an inexplicable fatigue, but the worst of all was excruciating stomach pain. At first, it happened only once a year, but then the frequency and the intensity increased. The pain was like something stabbing my stomach from the inside and squeezing it hard, made me lay on the floor, sweaty big like peas as I was sure I was about to die.

I went to a doctor specializing in gastroenterology, but he didn’t find anything wrong. Then one morning, I started to feel the slice not only happen to my stomach but spread to my back, arms, shoulders, and everywhere. I went to my primary care physician who is an internal medicine doctor. He examined me and finally diagnosed me with Fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia is a disorder where the brain misinterprets sensations as attacks, resulting in debilitating pain.

Since I was a child, I have always been a highly sensitive person. I empathize deeply with other people. I couldn’t watch movies with torture scenes because they scared me to death. But fibromyalgia changed that. It exposed me to every fear I’d ever had. I experienced the pain of barbed wire cutting, knives slicing, pins and needles in my eyes, the ache like being hit, electricity sharp pain, and every type of torture I could imagine. I even lost my ability to write because my fingers hurt all the time and I had serious brain fog. That’s when I understood why people with fibromyalgia are sometimes suicidal because living with this shell of a body with this kind of pain is torture in its truest form.

After the storms of disappointment and anger passed, I found solace in the absurdity of life. People spend days striving to achieve something when actually, to be able to sit after opening our eyes in the morning is already an achievement. When we are able to go down our bed, walk, and do many things on our own, not everyone can freely do that. And what’s funny is, no matter how high we already achieved something, we can always lose it anytime, in many ways possible. So what are we doing in this life? What is our purpose to breathe?

Life is nothing but a game; it tricks us. We are constantly fearing failure and trying hard to not become a failure compared to others when actually everyone is playing their own race. Life is not a competition. Each of us has our own track with its own challenges, and we just have to win ours. Expectations and perceptions of others do not mean anything.

Realizing this brought me freedom. I shed the burden of proving myself to others because I only have to focus on my present. It’s about me treasuring every breath I take in the morning and being able to think and do something in every minute. It’s about me facing my pain and uncertainty and learning how to win my own race. And that’s what makes me love this chapter of my life!

My life is a dream I never dreamt.
My past is a fate I’d never tempt.
Enveloped in love, unburdened by grief,
Every breath that I take is a sigh of relief.
Everything that I see is beauty, perfection.
Every step that I take is by His direction.
No need to recall my turbulent past,
Frozen but fluid, dripping like glass.
My world is at peace through a rose-colored lens
As a new world inside me only begins.

So,
today I take my first extended walk
in my new neighborhood.
Along with fabulous loose-fitting pants & shirt
of upper-upper-middle age,
I am wearing one of those corporate sacs
offered at mandatory trainings I still attend
to support & enhance the skillsets I have & need
to keep the licenses I have & need
that support my house/car/insurance payments
& the demi-wildish lifestyle
of an intermittently aging hippie
who wants to keep working in the barren fields
of drugs and mental roadblocks
and to nourish her optimistic genes
as she attempts to keep hope & humor genes alive
so others can live weller, as she has
owning some of that history.
I love the bags. Groceries. Books.
Clothes for Goodwill or road trips.
I recognize this rehab emblem.
I have never been there so far,
even for a class. One can only hope.
Anyhow, the bags help me keep my car neat
or file papers I’m not sure about filing
in real-time-space,
and they’re wonderful if/when one has to move.
Always ready for a next time.
Downsize. I think I hate that word
but I’m good at it.

New neighborhoods,
like some new age numbers
mean change. Big ones.
Sometimes Loss.
Choose and throw.
Choose.
Throw.
And storage might need to be introduced.
Or more trash buckets.
And creative-use-of-less
becomes a skillset that earns
ice cream and or fig newtons,
always age appropriate.

I can’t drive today:
one tire has a nail in it and that garish
yellow emergency light goes on if I try,
which spoils any sense of comfort,
and it’s New Year’s Day,
so guess what’s open in a town as big my hand?
Yes, nothing.
So, I am taking a new-neighborhood walkathon
during which I notice I have an odd walk
which I blame on my left hip and leg
which seem to have lives of their own lately.
The hocus-pocus-body-folks would say
my inner Valkyrie female nature is
struggling/stuck/angry,
and it’s time for me to put down my shield and sword
and soak among Epsom salts and soft music
and allow what is nature to be nature.
My inner three-year-old,
who really runs the show is pouty,
and I am reminded that growth
& change happen,
no matter what.
Fig Newtons. Ice Cream.
Always appropriate.

Anyhow,
I realize I walk side-to-side like the local girl
who has the alt mind-set
which she announces at times, in intervals.
We know her and take care of her
(at a safe distance of course).
Sometimes,
she pulls or pushes a multi-purpose grocery cart
as she chatters to who-knows-who.
What is being said by her or heard by her
we are not clear about.
She doesn’t look at any of us. Ever.
Through, around, but never at.
Sometimes she has those big dark glasses on,
the ones used for eye tests.
Like mine.
Is that what people see
when they look at me?

She walks and rolls from side to side,
her feet tilted inward,
so her toes nearly meet.
No one ever wants to be in her way,
although we are not sure she sees us.
She does see something though;
that we know.
She takes right of way.
Local drivers know her; others
figure it out, fast.
That’s how I “met” her.
Coming out of Winn Dixie parking lot.
She walks carefully
through marked parking lot spaces,
always within the lines.
I am impressed with her sense of being.
We do not matter. Also, we behave.
So, is what it takes to survive these times?
I shall keep my odd walk
and see what happens.
I will apply the dark glasses,
the kind used for eye tests.
The big ones.
We shall see.
(That would be I and my psyche.)
A man walked towards me today,
near the turn circle in the new neighborhood,
and smiled, as if to talk. I smiled.
He walked into the park instead.
I suspect it was the glasses.
I might be too oldish.
For what I wondered.

I put the four books
stashed in my impressive green bag
into one of the two neighborhood
donation library boxes
after I checked to see what was inside –
my give-away books
were better than all the rest.
Nothing for me to take away. Today.
This life continues to offer lessons.
Good.
I am still open to change.
Fig Newtons apply.

Surrounded by fluffy white sheets, your soft resting face in our pillows, I soften into myself as I touch your skin and memorize the curves of your face.

I love our genuine embrace and the growth we share in our struggle to shape shift into the people we want to be individually, together and forever.

We spend our days molding ourselves through education, growth spurts and learning curves.

We are not able to see the light of our hard work just yet so we collapse into each other, surrounded by white pillows and fluffy white sheets.

We could let the whole world burn around us as we look into each other’s eyes and know that we belong together.

Let our struggles be chased and conquered as we morph into lions racing through these massive jungle-like circumstances only to retreat to our den when the day is done.

As long as we can rest together in the solace of our love when the run is over, the race doesn’t feel as hard to make.

Those sheets hold our bodies as we struggle to regain our strength in becoming.

We seek solace in each other’s skin with words of encouragement.

We seek each other’s hearts in our dreams as we dream awake, fighting to check all the boxes.

Side by side, day by day, together or apart, I wouldn’t trade these days because at least we are trying and thriving.

The hours we spend dreaming of who we want to become blend into our love as we seek each other’s embrace while we dream of bigger lives beyond the shapes we shift into.

New shapes and scapes are spoken into existence when our bodies are restless for more.

We shape shift into each other and give oxygen to our dreams by the touch of our melding skin.

I wouldn’t change these days because they keep us alive, seeking change without a name, just dreams in our minds eye wishing to come alive between fluffy pillows and big white sheets.

As We Climb

As we climb, no one really knows what’s on our minds

As we climb, we are not sure along the way what we’ll find

As we climb, the path ahead, it can be a little blurry

As we climb, let’s make sure we don’t grow to worry

As we climb, we know that everything takes time

As we climb, try to keep that in mind

As we climb, there needs to be a passion inside

As we climb, burn with the blaze and drive of an iron side

As we climb, we develop a grace and elegance of royalty

As we climb, continually stoking the fire in our belly as if out of self-loyalty

As we climb, we can proclaim
we will take back our strength
we will take back our worth
we will take back our power

And as we climb, we will show the world the true meaning of a survivor

I could use somebody
Not for a moment in time someone who’s all mine
you know they’d have to be pretty divine
a being in search of their highest self

you know spiritually inclined not just running around here low level with a dirty mind

But I need them truly concerned with elevating and transcending that little thing that you all consider time

Your avatar t doesn’t matter I’m concerned about the here and the there after
I called that our spiritual chapter

So the question is can you hold my hand , when I’m not me….
when I’m slaying my pain but still riddled with those things called grief and anxiety

When those emotional pain hits my gut
So bad bad they don’t wanna stay inside of me so I throw them up

but all I need you to do is be there
maybe hold my hair
just exist with no twist of your arm no red flags and no
Alarms

just long loving arms
Of spiritual devotion to the laws of the universe
I manifested this with my 123 love potion

Now guide this twin flame on it’s love ocean

A goddess love requires devotion and that’s to the ancestors of love/light to honor them you should do it well and treat me right

And if you do I’ll make sure I give you some like every other night

because the reality is… I could use somebody
somebody not to use me
but just to be…with me

And that’s on TruSpit

The Next Season (By Lisa Leslie)

The flowers are
slowly
waking up.
Their petals bloom
unapologetically.

As the gloominess of late winter fades,
a brighter landscape emerges.

My heart is
broken
in several places, but
hope rises,
bringing a promise
that it will piece itself
back together
in time.

My heart is
naked
like the trees
when they shed their leaves
in preparation for a long winter.

There’s no hiding
the shape I’m in.
But then,
deception
is the cause of my current state.

To embrace and allow
vulnerability,
humility, and
raw emotion
to flow from me
freely
is the only way
to begin
growing
and building
stronger roots.

When the cold air
returns
and the trees let their
costumes fall,
I will stand
taller,
and live
fearlessly—
knowing I’ve taken the time to heal,
ready
to take on whatever the next season brings.

FORK IN THE ROAD©️2014

There in the midst of my journey, I see a two way street.
There is the road less traveled that is speaking to me.
It is filled with hardship, struggle, and pain.
It echos softly what sounds like my name.
It knows of my tears, lies, and complaints.
It knows that I can make it, even when my mind says I can’t.
It roots and cheers for me to give it a try.
And not to be distracted by the wilderness, but look forward to the promise of the other side.

The other path intervenes with its master plan.
To convince me to walk down this more pleasing land.
After all, everyone wants the easy way out.
Who wants to get caught up in the confusion and doubt?
The sky is blue and the birds are singing their high pitched song.
With all that sunshine, how can it be wrong?
As I stand there at the fork trying to decide,
A voice speaks to me assuring and kind.

Nothing worth fighting for came tied in a bow.
I appreciate every lesson that gives me the opportunity to grow.
Yes to the left, it’s full of illusions of gold and jewels.
All that glitters isn’t gold, so do not be so easily fooled.
The road less traveled has less steps to take, even though there are more hills to climb.
Because when I take this path, I began traveling with the Ultimate Guide.
He will move those mountains and twine when I show Him my seed of faith.
And when I feel weak and broken, He’ll carry me most of the way.

So I picked up my baggage and chose the trail of my destiny.
The voice returned and commanded that I drop those burdens at His feet.
There is only one requirement before we travel that I must meet.
I cannot carry the loads of my past because He’s already forgotten and forgiven thee.
Tears rolled down, as I noticed why I was so weary.
All the loads of hurt and anger I carried, I could’ve been released.
The reason that path had been less traveled was because not many realized that they held the Master’s key.
The first step that truly mattered began when I forgave me.