The photo above shows my mom. Next to her is me, outside one of the planes at my last squadron, soaked in champagne and ice water, with a giant smile. This was part the going away tradition known as a “fini flight” and is an amazing experience that I love and treasure from my time in the Air Force. But what do these images have to do with each other?

The inspiration for this letter began at my current squadron’s holiday party. I was hanging out by the bar, admittedly a bit buzzed, with an old friend, a pilot whose name will be withheld for privacy reasons. Pilot has been in the Air Force longer than me by about 5 years, and she was drunk. She went on a rant about all that is wrong with the Air Force, and there is a lot. She was bitter and miserable, angry, and just biding her time until her 20 years so she can retire and move on. She was ranting about wanting to “wake up” me and others to how much BS there is and how we should stop caring and run for other career fields. She insisted that I did not understand how bad it was because I was not bitter and miserable about everything like her. The thing is, I actually agree with pretty much all of her critiques. Much of it I really dislike and get frustrated about. I try to make improvements where I have the authority to do so, shield my subordinates when I can, etc… but buzzed me couldn’t find the words to describe why I’m still happy and loving my job, and why I still work hard in spite of it all. Why I stay in and have no real desire to get out. I went home dissatisfied with the discussion.

Today, sober me got to think about it all. I can now put it into words. Mom, you have been through the wringer, been through things that would crush mere mortals. Life changing traumatic event after event. You are in near constant pain. If anyone on earth has a right to be bitter and miserable, it is you. But mom, you aren’t. Sure, you get down and discouraged, but overall you still have love, passion, joy. You posses this ability, and through both the way your raised me, and your example, I have learned that ability. Thank you! I still get upset and frustrated about the negative things, but I don’t let it make me bitter and miserable. Because of this, I am able to deal with the BS, change what I can, when I can; but not let it get under my skin too much. Thus I am able to appreciate the benefits and opportunities I have, enjoy the fun and incredible things I get to do, etc. I still see the negatives, but I can enjoy myself in spite of the negatives.

So, what does this all have to do with my fini flight from my last unit? well, that event occurred a year after the end of my service commitment. I could have left. I enjoyed that incredible day and tradition in spite of the negatives of being in the Air Force, because of my mom. We flew out of Tucson, up to Las Vegas, picked up some pararescuemen, airdropped them into Lake Mead, flew over the Grand Canyon, came back, I got dowsed in champagne and ice water, duct taped to a backboard, had my feet spray painted green, and got my footprints on a ceiling tile. Just one small example of the incredible experiences I get to enjoy because I don’t let the negative get to me. And I never even realized my mom taught me this until today.

Mom, because of you and this lesson, that I didn’t even know you had taught me, I am happy and successful. Thank you mom!

“It is my duty, as an air rescueman, to save life and aid the injured. I will be prepared at all times to perform my assigned duties quickly and efficiently, placing these duties before personal desires and comforts. These things I do THAT OTHERS MAY LIVE.”

This is the code of Air Force Combat Search and Rescue (CSAR), my profession, and a sentiment that reflects much of my life. From 6 years of volunteer firefighting and EMS, to my 12 years in the USAF as a Combat Systems Officer (CSO) on HC-130’s the CSAR version of the C-130 cargo plane. I have spent my entire adult life even starting in High School training and preparing in hopes that I can prevent someone’s worst day from becoming their last. I have been blessed with the opportunity to do this a few times as well, and it is a level or rewarding bested only by being a husband and father. My life is dedicated to helping others, but sometimes, I need help.

I was always able to deal with the traumatic experiences my work has put me through by leaning on friends who understand. This is often the first line of help one can get and it is VITAL even if not always sufficient. Whether it was my first dead body, or seeing an unconscious classmates broken face wedged between the dash and windshield of her car 2 days after graduation, my many close calls, or losing a close friend; I could always find help and relief in the arms and ears of my friends and family. They gave me the strength and support to ensure post traumatic stress never became PTSD. But that doesn’t mean it was easy. All of these events gave me nightmares; sometimes for a night, sometimes for a week, occasionally for a month. There would be sadness, depression, anxiety. But all of this would fade with time and help.

But what about when that wasn’t enough? For the last 4-5 years I have been struggling with bouts of depression and anxiety. Nothing new, except that it was not tied to anything. I couldn’t get past it because I didn’t have a trauma, life event, or anything else I could associate it with and thus, could not worth through the cause.

In the early days I just shrugged it off, pushed through and got on with life. But the episodes were getting worse, and more frequent. After years of this I was sick and tired, I needed help. After all, being a good husband and father are my top priorities, and this was degrading that ability…

But… I’m a military aviator…

Now, no doubt some of you think you know where this is going. After all, you have seen movies about military aviation, aviators are macho, tough, so surely there is a stigma with getting help! No, actually there isn’t, in fact we share our feelings with each other pretty regularly. No, I was scared I would be grounded from flying and bound to a desk either temporarily or permanently. But enough was enough.

With the encouragement of my wife, I made an appointment with the aviation psychiatrist at my unit. He reassured me that grounding was unlikely and only even a possibility if I was diagnosed with a mental illness. Ok, so now I am less worried!

So I opened up about how I was feeling with the psychiatrist. He gave me some great techniques for dealing with the depression and anxiety such as mindfulness and grounding that have been helping. I have follow up appointments to keep working on this and life is already getting better

Emboldened by that experience, at my annual flight physical with the flight surgeon the next week, I discussed the issue with her as well. She asked some questions about other aspects of my health and determined we should check my red blood count and vitamin D levels. My RBC was in normal limits but low considering I live at 5500ft above sea level and do a lot of running and mountain biking. Probably not contributing to the issue but worth addressing. We also checked my iron which is good so I am now on a B complex supplement. But the real concern was my vitamin D, it was severely low. I never would have thought of it as I spend a ton of time outside. But one of the symptoms is mood swings and depression (hmmm… sounds familiar). So now I am on a high dose vitamin D supplement.

After 5 years of suffering and worrying I would lose my flight status, my fear was unfounded, and what I needed was vitamin D and professional counseling. My only regret is that I didn’t seek help sooner.

Please, if you are struggling, even if it is something you have handled without issue before, reach out. Talk to a friend or loved one. If that doesn’t work, or is insufficient, seek professional help. Please don’t suffer in silence. I am still flying, still doing my job, but I am now also a happier and healthier person on the road to further improvement. And most of all, I am able to be the best husband and father I can be.

Thanks for reading,
SEZ