Kris:
I read the letter you wrote for the unsealed the day it was posted. While your diagnosis saddened me, your approach to your battle inspired me. Far too many people worry about the bills and other life stresses and take the time they have left on earth for granted. They put off doing the things that make them happy and spending time with […] View
I hope you weren’t up late that night waiting for me.
I knew the hour wasn’t great to call.
I had priorities in life-
I felt my back against the wall.
Also seemed there wasn’t much I could discuss with you or say.
And then the moment changed my life.
When I got word that you had passed away.
I actually felt my world stop spinning .
I stepped back taking look at myself.
Knowing precisely at that moment –
How Lonely that you must have felt.
And every day that passes now
You are in my thoughts more so.
A better person I strive to be
Because that’s the only way that I can grow.
I want to say I am so sorry
I wasn’t there when my time you did need.
This Letter goes out to Someone…
Remember to Cherish the people you Love
Without selfishness & greed.
Today I have decided to tell my story. I suffer from bipolar. I was diagnosed with the mental disorder over 20 years ago. I have been through alot. It has been a real problem most of my life.
It was triggered after I had my second child. It was a nightmare 😔. I ended up being hospitalized several times over the course of twenty years. I will do my best to explain the horror of it all. I remember having one episode after another. Each episode was very exhausting and dramatic. I would block out a lot of the different personalities and triggers of emotional dynamics. It was so 😫 tiring.
I will try to explain one of my episodes to give you an idea of it all. Well, it all begins with not taking my medication. It slowly turns into a horror movie. I hear voices and act out several different personalities in my mind. I begin to have spells of crying dramatically having thoughts of despair. I was on edge and going down a bottomless pit of not wanting to be here anymore 😪. Yet, in most circumstances I didn’t want to kill myself because an angelic voice told me, ” no” don’t do it! I say, “okay” most times. Smh.
In these drastic times I have family who did help me like my mother. And that was important and fortunate because at these times it is good to have positive support systems in your life.
In most cases my family would call 911 and have a rescue squad come get me. In this case, I can’t stop crying. I wanted to leave! I wanted to go away! My family would say that I was going to the hospital. My main support is my mother. She was always there for me.
Once the ambulance 🚑 arrived I felt like I was in a horrible movie. This has happened to me several times over the years. Yet on this particular case the ENT would come in from the ambulance slowly one my one. They see I’m distraught and incoherent. I don’t know who I was at this point. I’m yelling for no reason and crying for no reason. I can’t understand what is going on. The police also came in…and it got worse. They felt like I would hurt myself or others and so one officer threatened to taze me. I said please don’t..please give me some water to drink. They did.
They slowly calmed me down and then my casemanager came in to also help out.
They asked her several questions to understand why I was like this. She told them that I was bipolar. I am so sick at this point. I have felt supernatural powers around me. I would say, ” I see angels”. They weren’t really visible but a feeling of goodness and calming voices.
So this contributes and adds to my psychotic behavior 🤔. That is what I felt.
I want to tell you the experience of being INSIDE THE AMBULANCE 🚑. Once I get inside the ambulance I felt like i was being ported to an experimental place. I was scared!!!!!This particular personality in me was very informative. I was talking a great deal like I was literally someone else.
One ENT said that he had never seen anything like this before. I finally got to the emergency room. Once there I begin, to yell and bring attention to myself. The police 🚔 officers were staring at me. A guard was placed at the entrance of my room door. I was being watched for over 24 hours. After a while a psychiatric doctor told me I would be admitted to a room in the hospital.
Now, I was on the floor of the psychiatric unit. Once I was in my own room I was in a bed. In some cases I was given medication to help relax me and I would sleep for hours.
So this was a particular bipolar experience. The next day, after being monitored I had to learn and come to appreciate little things again. Showering 🚿, brushing my teeth, wearing a hospital gown, and being served my breakfast lunch and dinner. This was a safe place.
Once I stayed a couple of weeks I was let go. I had a team of supporters around to help me. I had a case worker, a psychiatrist, and medical doctor coming in to see me. I felt much better. This was going to begin to be a part of my life for over 20 years. It is hard. But I will say I’m currently doing ok. So remember you are not alone. Be positive. Find good supporters in your circumstances. I hope this helps someone. Thank you for hearing my story. I am beating bipolar.
When you feel caught in a vacuum
Because people didn’t see the value,
You brought to the kitchen table,
Won’t change the fact that,
You are more than capable.
Your worth is immeasurable.
You are very valuable.
In a world that may seem unstable,
Don’t let doubt make you retract,
You have the power to impact.
You are stronger than you think,
And you are more than enough.
You are loved even on the days you feel worse.
Keep running.
Always believe in yourself, don’t hesitate,
You have the potential to create.
I know you can do it!
See, you’re already doing it!
Give yourself grace
To run your own race.
If you keep the faith alive,
I know you will survive.
-From Reflections of a Hopeful Romantic by Stephanie Anyaoha
Lauren,
Thank you so much for your kind words!
I really appreciate your support!
I wrote that piece when I was at a very low point in my life and wanted to give up.
I hope it will inspire others to keep running their race.
All the best!
People all around have lost their sight
In return has made this world loose its light
Hate and darkness are spread
while people try to hide it all with meds
Instead of opening their eyes they become more blind
which makes the light harder to find
People are becoming more like animals losing sight of humanity
Which is destroying the future you see
We all secretly want the same thing
to truly be loved & not shown pain
We forget to be the person we needed when we were younger
especially when that darkness hit with that Hungers
People can always be the change in this world & save humanity
Even if it just starts with you and little Ol me
Someone must finally open their eyes
To see past all the masks, disguises, & lies
Just as easy as hate can spread
Love & Kindness could be instead
One match can bring light to the dark
The dark cannot overpower the spark
Unless you give that power away
Nobody can make or break your day
Working together for the greater good
Has been somehow misunderstood
It is time we all open our hearts & quit being sheep
Show love instead & let the evil sow what it reap
8 years ago today I defended my Master’s Thesis at the University of Kentucky, titled:
Healthy Reintegration: The Effectiveness of Military Teen Adventure Camp Participation of Adolescent Perceptions of Self-efficacy
I remember the day vividly, I was a nervous wreck, standing in front of a room full of people with my insecurities—believing that somehow everyone witnessing was somehow smarter or better than me.
If I could speak to that version of me at 25, I would tell her that you are enough today and you will only continue to get better. You will go on to complete a PhD at a R1 institution (Florida State University) defending one on many Goliath’s in your life (dissertation) during the onset of covid—against all odds. Ignore the disempowerment and doubt including, the words from your thesis advisor, “If you keep writing like this, Florida State will never accept you into their PhD program”. (Academia really has a unique way of shattering any bit of confidence you have).
I would tell her that being from the south or from a perceived “less than” background won’t hold you back—it is your perceived lack that will fuel your drive to finish whatever you start. It will fuel you to put yourself out there. It will fuel you to leave your comfort zone. It will fuel you to never quit. It will empower your relationship and reliance on God. So run your race boldly and well — you lack nothing and God is always with you (Deut. 31:8)
The maze of life, we wander, we strive,
Through twists and turns, where paths collide,
Each step a dance of pain and joy,
As we chase dreams that hope employ.
Through valleys deep and mountains high,
We journey on, beneath the sky,
With hearts that ache and souls that yearn,
For the lessons learned at every turn.
In the darkest of times,
We stumble, we fall,
Sometimes we even lose our sight,
But from the shadows, once more we emerge,
With newfound strength,
After every storm, comes a surge.
For in the depths of despair we find, The resilience of humankind.
We rise from ashes, refusing to fold,
A testament to faith and resilience—cheers to the courageous and bold
For growth is not a straight-lined path,
It’s up and downs, twists, and turns
But we find our way, becoming free at last
So let us cherish the journey we choose,
For they remind us who we are and what happens if you refuse to lose,
A testament to our strength and grace
Yes, we rise and fall, yet rise again and again…
Knowing that trouble won’t last always and if you don’t give up, you will win.
So ride life’s wave, in God’s embrace.
Trust your path—you’ve got what it takes.
Greetings, your poem beautifully captures the ups and downs of life’s journey, offering encouragement and hope to readers. Your use of vivid imagery and a rhythmic flow convey themes of perseverance and resilience, bravo! Overall, it’s an inspiring ode to the human spirit.
The stars, my brothers & sisters,
How much I miss all thee
To see you, shiny, bright optimists –
Such a deep positivity to guide.
So many of you all, those stars –
The houses, cities, industries, beings
Dull you now, and so, so few
of you shine as bright, barely gleaning.
Now, not as many of you
Illuminate and shining to inspire
Amongst the rest of mankind.
I miss seeing you as I did back there . . .
I lay there in the vast school valley
No major lights, here third world style.
Cast myself away from the US, I fled,
practically now an exile.
I came to understand more of the world
Wanting to see if I can do any good.
Lying, wishing to be in the space purl,
There in the dark of the African continent.
I smile with peace and such ease
While looking up at those grand stars,
Milky Way, galaxies, while a scant breeze
waves across my skirt and the tall grass.
My Earthly Family, those stars
mine, yours, our representative.
This view, this experience,
I rushed over, not so tentative/
To learn so much, but the stars
Illuminated the sky and world
So much brightness and loveliness,
and so much did unfurl.
I’ll never feel like this again.
Those days over in Tanzania
will forever last in memory
That life, those stars, now as unglistened
In this sky so uncomplimentary
Sharing now that life is short.
I’ll enjoy it as best as I did under
The Tanzania stars and sky.
Greetings, your description of yearning for the beauty of the stars amidst the routine of life is quite striking. It contrasts the grandeur of the universe with the limitations of human existence, leaving a poignant reminder of life’s fleeting nature. Splendidly written.
The knight elevates the princess
tightening his grasp midair
while they are lost in the brown waves.
Shifting the thread of hair behind
to gain a surpass of what the wave has inside—
the knight elevates the princess.
Giddying as the knight’s veins come through
the heat in the room leaves them breathless:
while they are lost in the brown waves.
The beats sync
taking the space away
the knight elevates the princess.
The grin grows uncontrollably
the palms leaving a trace:
while they are lost in the brown waves.
Continuing to go steady
as they snuggle close.
The knight elevates the princess
while they are lost in the brown waves.
Have I ever told you how proud I am?
Of each of the battles you have overcome
She thinks that her life is not up to par.
She’s a writer now
While her sport history is no more
Have I ever told you how proud I am?
Living with the mind battles
Due from the moments God throws her way:
She thinks that her life is not up to par.
Still waking up
Pushing past the hardships
have I ever told you how proud I am?
Have you seen how far you have grown
moments you thought would never surpass
She thinks that her life is not up to par.
If she only knew how great she’s doing
Which I think we’re finally within the place
Have I ever told you how proud I am?
She thinks that her life is not up to par.
Following down a path
that was out of the ordinary.
Discovering herself threw all the wrath
Bouncing around such as a fairy.
The harmfulness inside
can consume her on the daily
She is no longer trying to hide
Realizing she probably was never gaily.
The spark of who she is becoming
Is bright within
Hearing the constant humming
Without all of the sin.
This girl is giving it her all
never worried on if she will fall.
Greetings, your celebration of resilience and authenticity is wonderfully written. It encourages perseverance and self-acceptance, highlighting the strength of embracing one’s true identity. I hope this becomes a reality and a source of encouragement for everyone in their self-discovery journey.
Looking into the mirror
I see the smile from her.
The find feels clearer
I finally found where you were.
Noticing the smile
That follows around.
Anyone could spot it from a mile
Finding what startled her from the ground.
Did I mention the bliss
From you walking through that door.
It’s safe you will not be a dismiss
We are ready to explore.
The possibilities that are within
Not that I no wear you thin.
I wake up like I never went to bed.
Sleep is upon my open eyes,
yet they are glazed and scarlet red.
I don’t remember what happened yesterday,
nor do I have a semblance of what the day holds.
I schedule my life out to stop the mind decay.
I sip my coffee until I realize for two hours it’s been cold.
I glance around myself,
“When did I put that picture on my wall?”
“Did I put it together or buy that bookshelf?”
Sometimes I wonder if there’s someone I could call?
But for everyone living their lives,
going to school, work, home, sleep-
It really wouldn’t make sense to hear my cries.
I can’t remember how my mind got so deep.
How I can’t recollect moving into this apartment.
I know I pay for bills, electric and such,
I have a garage that has my car now with a dent,
I mean I remember that much.
I used to go to college,
I had a friend, I think.
But school never taught me a good message.
I always felt blue and everyone was pink,
like I had a mask.
I was so perfect, smart and happy,
but at home, there was always a panic attack waiting for me,
a part no one could, nor would ever see.
Somehow I stopped driving to college.
I had several jobs and goals,
yet I couldn’t find my true meaning or message.
Outside I seemed successful with my methods and morals,
but it seems there’s a part of my soul left behind,
somewhere along moving out and now,
I lost my mind.
Either that or the matrix has me now under its hold.
Somedays I feel the grass under my feet,
and other times
I can’t even look at myself without wanting to retreat.
Cause somewhere along the lines,
I lost me,
and I don’t think I can get her back.
Somewhere on the other side of the root and the tree,
ss the life of that little girl I now lack.
God, I just want to wake up sometimes
without shocking myself with my own touch.
To not wonder If I committed any crimes,
cause my hands are calloused and rough,
From something I can’t even remember,
or can even give a second thought.
When I go to sleep at night
It’s with dread and regret,
that I have no idea what happened in this fight.
But what can you do as you watch the sun set,
It’s the matrix.
Maybe one day,
someone will come and it will all be,
fixed.
Frankie, you have so much purpose and so many gifts. Just one day at a time, try new things, and pay close attention to what makes you feel good. Keep pushing. Sending you a hug <3 Lauren
The spirit takes my soul back
to a day that was not long ago.
Sitting on a rack
as if there’s something that needed a show.
Remembering key phrases
that I would say.
The body raises
to realize it was my favorite day.
Twos flooded the room
as I would turn to you.
Watching our love start to bloom
then it was my cue.
Waking to the realization
there’s no need for any hesitation.
Greetings, your style is captivating, blending vivid imagery with nostalgia. It draws me into memories through concise phrases and rhythmic flow, evoking a sense of longing and reflection. Beautifully written.
Hey wassup it’s ya girl
What am I a radio personality?
Hi. I’m LaShae.
Wait. Yeah that
That feels comfortable.
Hi. I’m LaShae.
La like the note
Shae like the butter.
And I’m
. . .
Blank
God says,
I am that I am
But if I said it
Would it be blasphemous?
Even if I am?
Because I am that I am
And
I am Joy.
I am Smile.
Brittany said it was creepy
That I smiled so much
But Brittany didn’t know
I hurt the same ways she did.
She didn’t know my smile
Was as much a resistance
As it was for her to get out of bed some mornings
She didn’t know
I kept my smile because
Tracy loved my smile.
Tracy loved my smile!
She said it was the most genuine smile she’s ever seen
Which is the best compliment
Because her smile
Was the most genuine I’ve ever seen.
I am peace
Except when I am hungry
And I am always hungry
Beware of Junior’s warning
You better feed that gal;
I am gal.
As sister says,
When hungry,
I am Hulk;
I am pitbull.
Ya girl just likes to eat
But when I am fed,
I promise
I will be peace
Like Mable taught me to be
Peace:
Not the absence of violence,
But the presence of Justice.
So if no Justice
No peace.
I am starving
Pitbull for peace
Ready to Hulk smash oppression
See, Mable
Mable was a child
When Newark went up in flames
See
You don’t watch your home go ablaze
And end up staying the same
No
You arm yourself
Yes, with the whole armor of God
Like your mother taught you
But also
With a thicker skin
That none of this heat can penetrate
And with a weapon
She chose a pen
Much mightier than a sword
Her ink writing for peace
Not the absence of violence
But the presence of Justice
Her ink filled with the blood spilled in her streets
And then she would come to teach
All the little children, and yes, even me
That the power is in connections
That is what Mable taught to me.
Barbara taught me to hold my own.
Pete told me Fret Not
But Pray if you feel alone
Latierra and Ricky
Both taught me to wonder
And Serena taught me
That dancing is greater than pain
Ali taught me God will find you
Even if you’re in the dark.
I never met Maurice,
But his love is always in my heart.
Ulysses taught me always learn first
And Davey taught me to dress my best
Even when they do their worst
Ron & Vette taught me to be loud
Lisa and Al taught me love knows no bounds
Dog taught me to keep my friends close
Mo taught me that royalty
Can come from a crack that bloomed a rose
And Holis, God rest his soul,
May not be blood
But taught me what a man ought to be
I know you asked about me
But I am an unfinished story
The moral of my life
Isn’t complete
But I am that I am
And I am pieces of
Every person I ever lost
A puzzle
Amassing to one lone thought:
Love.
2922 days, 417 weeks, 96 months,
the 8 long years it’s taken for me to know you,
was this born of hate?
is that why i find myself as resentful as i am?
i could never be numb to you,
i could never be apathetic to you,
i could never feel nothing for you,
hate or love,
hate or love,
hate or love,
and i can’t understand what’s in between,
there’s a house stoic hill,
woodland lonesome edelweiss,
just as you’d like
to which i arise,
to which you descend,
i dream about when i’m in the snow,
the house lives and breathes when i could feel the grass on my feet,
i heard you sing through a window ajar,
songs of seraphina,
you are the indescribable view of beauty,
as i open the front door to let myself in i kick the glue from my boots that keep me in place,
i step into rot and decay.
i feel the candles extinguish as i walk past,
i hear the weeping angles,
i smell the cankerous taxidermy,
my hands freeze from the arctic bite of the door handle as i let myself open to discover the indescribable,
asphyxiating from my ring you wear on your neck,
bleeding from my bite on your shoulder,
pale deficient from the dying sun,
the discord that drips from the welt of monstrosity,
why won’t god keep it out my head?
vomit inducing horror i would sooner be blind than see
disgusting shape of unknowable inhumanity,
emotion formed action,
building mountains on your skin,
you moan in pain from knowledge of thyself
but was it me who clipped your wings?
Why can’t we all get along
We act like this or that person don’t belong
Making others feel out of place
Never seeing the hurt behind the smile on their face
Why do we spread more hate then love
Thinking there are others we’re above
We forget we all are human with our own flaws
Wasting more energy spreading hate like it’s in our laws
We just need to love and care for one another
Treat all like they are your sister or brother.
See that’s the key to world peace
Only if hatred would seem to forever cease.
Hey, you, old man.
This is a letter to yourself and from yourself.
You know all those things you’ve done wrong,
Regardless of who’s fault, or who’s right or wrong.
But this is not of that my friend…
Yeah, it’s amazing.You can call yourself friend now, but you are! ♥
I know those things I put myself and others through.
I remember the dreams and aspirations.All the good things I had for you.
Looking back is confusing and God it just makes me cry.
But I’m gonna try to leave You out too.Because this is a letter to myself. To maybe find out why.
But God I can’t, I can’t look back Because it hurts too much…
I can’t go to the beach, I can’t go to school, I can’t go to church, Sitting bereaved, I feel a fool.
But Lord, I can’t do it, I cannot watch.
Cannot go to Toledo. Cannot go to Cleveland cannot go back to jail, God what am I believing?
Cannot run to West Virginia, cannot hospital trend…
All along.I hated myself, yet all the while was a good friend. ☺
I can’t even write.I’m sorry I can’t do this.
All along my life, it was my own mark I missed.
But that’s a good thing because i’m not in hell…
Only I could see my place where ever if I made, could never get bail.
I’m sorry, no can do.
God thank you for saving me from me.
Aww Timothy everything you have been through has led you where you are today, and it’s exactly where you are supposed to be. You have a beautiful heart. Never forget that! Your past does not define your whole being. <3 Lauren
Please know that I am here,
Right by your side,
Even though you don’t see me near,
I promise I’m not that far behind.
Your love follows me everywhere,
As it will for years,
Were the perfect pair,
The couple everyone fears.
Some wish they were us,
But they don’t know what we’ve been through,
Even though they think they do when they discuss,
If they only had a clue.
That does not matter my love,
As you were the one who came and saved me from above.