Dear Heather,
I have witnessed many heartaches and traumatic experiences in your life and still have to say thank you. Thank you for never giving in or giving up, you’re stronger than your circumstances and your worry. Death has tried to have you and has taken many that you loved dearly, but you have endured it all, beautifully. You still remain grateful and chose to spread love and joy to others everyday. Those constant whispers of despair, uncertainty and reminders of your past only motivate you to remain strong. Your vulnerability has never been your weakness, it’s always been your superpower and you’ve chosen to use that to help others in their time of need. I’m proud of you and you are exactly where and who you need to be and your life has purpose. Your are worth more than your mistakes, your mess has become your message and your tests in life is your testimony. Be happy, be strong and always be YOU!
Love, Me

Love, Im loving me
Done been through the rain and storms
the whirling roller coasters with loopty loops
making it out time and time again
im loving me

i’ve lost so much, including people I love
pushing through to make it for my kids
to make it for my husband
to make it for myself
Im loving me

Im loving me so much
that I am enjoying every aspect of my life
and I look forward to overcoming these..
trials and tribulations set to make me stronger
because without them, i’d be weak
im so loving me

every time life happens
my heart shatters just a bit more
and every single time the pieces hit the floor
I pick up the shards and put them back together
because yes
I am so loving me

You see without the love I have for me
I can’t love anything or anyone else
We don’t know love
unless we love ourselves
so without the love I have for me
I’d not know or have any for anyone
so im lovin me

in this crazy world we live in
the things people go through
love is the only thing I can give them
and I need to love me too

“You can’t skip chapters that’s not how life works. You have to read every line meet every character. You will not enjoy all of it. Hell, some chapters will make you cry for weeks. You will read things you don’t want to read, you will have moments where you don’t want the pages to end. But you have to keep going. Stories keep the world revolving. Live yours, don’t miss out.”(Pillow Thoughts II). Life is like a book. Some chapters are sad, some are happy and some are exciting, but if you never turn the page, you will never know what the next chapter has in store for you. Treat me like your favorite book. And stroke my spine delicately. Remember my tiny details. And all your favorite parts. Read me again and again and fall in love with my story. I will not lose my worth in a spirit of a curse. I’m not afraid to break free from this pathetic message in the bottom of a weary verse. I’m tired of trying, it’s time to reverse.

I’m weary of life but I won’t miss a single line
Through the ups and downs, tired but never giving up. Fighting through the darkness, I won’t let life interrupt. Dreams fuel my fire, life’s interruptions won’t make me tire. I’ll soar above the chaos, won’t let life’s script be ruptured. Peace is a part of my soul and it’s a matter of conduct. Allow yourself to be so focused on living in peace, getting paid, and walking in purpose that you have no time to worry about people pleasing, pettiness, or irrelevant opinions. This is the part of my life where I silently remove myself from anyone who hurts me more than they love me, drains me more than they replenish me brings me more stress than they do peace and tries to stunt my growth rather than clap for it.” “I think that I have done more than enough talking and trying to make things work with certain people.” “I’m done.” -KL’s Page. It’s not about ego. Once I feel ignored or unwanted I distance myself silently. I’ll remove myself before I allow anger to consume me ever again. I like to love. I like to laugh. I like to be happy. So if I gotta distance myself to keep things that way, I will. Distance is what I usually appreciated and what I believe in. It makes the heart grow fonder. If cutting me off helps you in any way, I support it. It’s okay to walk away because they kept failing to listen. It’s okay to walk away when the excuses are far greater than the effort. It’s okay to walk away when the behavior has stayed the same, and the idea of change is just manipulation. It’s okay to walk away when they stop trying on purpose, while purposely denying. It’s okay to walk away when you’ve done everything you can to make things work and the result leaves you back where you started. I’ll soar like a comet, leaving old wounds departed. I won’t be broken, it’s time for me to be whole-hearted.

Because I am not ashamed of what I am
See that I avoid a chance and it gets hard to see my face when I see that I’ll shine brighter, being unleashed and uncharted. “After a while, I got tired of chasing after you.”“You made things so hard that I could never catch up.” “I was trying to force something that wasn’t there.” “It felt like I was begging for you to reciprocate the love I was giving when in reality, you never felt the same way I did.” “That’s when it clicked- could no longer beg you to love me or give me the attention I desired.” “So I took myself out of the equation, closed that chapter of my life, and started a new one.” “It was time for me to find the true love of my life that I had lost in the process of loving you.” -KL’s Page. The worst pain is having no contact with the person you’re still in love with, who at one point of time, sent you texts that would make your heart melt. And now, you can only love them in silence from a distance. Slowly being forced to close a chapter you never wanted to end. When someone hurts you, and then avoids you, that’s a clear sign that they know they messed up. not only do they know, but they’re uncomfortable with the fact that they did. They can’t even face themselves and their own behavior. don’t wait around for an apology from them. I’ll emerge anew, I won’t let their words condemn. So I will not worry. I will re-write my story and make them see what you had done to me. If you hate me, it would be like a dream. And I will never be lonely again. Sometimes I wonder why I’m starting over now and why am I cutting the knife.

I’m weary of the lies, it’s time to cut ties. No more compromise. So I want to be alone and I need a new excuse to keep myself right. Because I know you will be back and I may miss you but I can’t try to rekindle broken flames that burned me every chance they received, so once I release the ashes of our past off into the wind, there’s no way we will recapture what we once had. Into the world to create what I cannot change. I am tired of playing this game. I will rise and re-arrange because every time I hear your name I get empty stomach pains because of your broken promises.

“As one chapter of your life comes to a close, always be mindful of your surroundings.” “Remember, there’s always another journey waiting for you just around the corner, and it’s bound to exceed your wildest imagination and expectations.” -Maxwell Xavier-. What happened, has happened. Free your mind from it, you’re about to start a new chapter in your life. Accept this change and move on. I’ve turned the page, embracing life’s new chapter and stage. There has to be an ending for new beginnings, they are both also hard. Be grateful they both exist. I am. “I know you thought the breaking was the most painful chapter.” “It wasn’t.” “Turn the page.” “The next part is much longer. It’s the bealing. The rise.” “The comeback.” “It’s the birth of the new you.” “And it’s not easy.” “But you are strong and brave and worth it.”-Stephanie Bennett-Henry. I know this transformation is painful, but you’re not falling apart; you’re just falling into something different, with a new capacity to be beautiful. This chapter in my life is called: Knowing my worth & acting accordingly. No more settling for less, I know what I deserve. Through the weariness, I’ll rise and find what I deserve. After the long nights, I will find my rebirth because I was the only one who wanted to make things work. The truth is not absurd if it’s the last thing you feel going to hurt. Leaving behind the pain, on a brand new turf. I’ll dust off my dreams and make them shimmer with mirth. I’m focusing on me right now, I’ve done enough for everybody else. I’ll find my peace amidst the chaos and never lose myself. I’ll find a new path, discover the best version of myself in exchange for trouble and distractions. I will not be lost in the noise because I know you are a monster.

The heart says I will find the right one and i’ll push away the truth someday when the sunshine comes, shedding my weary burdens.
I’m just a kid trying to count my own funds.
I feel alive when I think about taking that gamble cause the real thing will come.
I will get myself back on the road two fronts.
I will forget the way i’ve always felt but my frustrations are too much to be mugged
You are so bad I haven’t felt this real however, I will not let you become another page I’m stumped on. It’s time to start a new chapter
And anticipate my life in words. I don’t have faith in god so I keep carrying on and on and on. I will find the strength to keep believing, I would not be fleeting. In the end, he who has lost me will wonder who he’ll laugh with because I will become just another blur. It’s like a cake with no place or no meaning. I can’t wait until the day you doubt everything and regret that you left me.

Everyone’s so keen on giving their opinion
When did it come to be I wasn’t living out of my own volition
To ground when needed
To explore when convenient
I measure up to no one & not where I’m supposed to be
I’m living life at a pace comfortable for me

But sometimes we need a push or more so persuasion
Perhaps it’s my stubbornness
But if I wanted to be farther ahead
My soul would’ve acknowledged submission
Needing to hit the mark right from the start
Perhaps it’s my perfectionism
Regardless of the decision to stay or any attempts for challenges I face
I try as I might & try is enough
For when I succeed I know it’s because the weakest parts did not give up

All else left to a biased perception
But there’s no one better when it comes to my self reflection
Matter of fact add criticism & progression
The only thing I’m in competition with is my inner demons

Not a requirement for one to stay
But my story, my voice will be heard
Not being rushed for the time I take
Nothing left to interpretation
Nothing left to be dismayed

In another timeline it’s already set in stone
Now in this current dimension my person has to find which way to go

It’s through these setbacks & challenges
I’m reminded why I’ve been given this life
To live, to breath, to try as I might
No matter when or how long it takes
It’s only allowed for me to decide

Gentle Giant

Years of naive optimism
Years of confusion
Years of anger
Transformed ashes into beauty

This woman has grown in her empathy
Grown In wisdom
Grown in boundaries
Created purpose out of the ashes

She is a gentle giant

Little songs my mother sings midsentence randomly and out of key,
Little birds swooping across my little purple flowered yard.

Big burps my Big Little sister blurts out,
Big orange lit sunset rays,

Big trees swaying in
Little waves of wind.

“I forgive you”
I heard her say as I watched her open another box and fill it with all the evidence of the person she used to be.
With tears in my eyes I responded with a simple “I’m sorry” and I watched her close the box she just filled and grab another empty one.

I watched her change the last few months, where she was once timid and shy she became outspoken and strong willed. In moments she would back herself in a corner and cower in fear she stepped forward with fight in her eyes. She began fighting for herself. She started to see her worth and I knew she was outgrowing me so I stepped aside. My time with her was coming to end and I allowed it, because I care enough about her that I wanted to see her grow. I wanted to see her find her self worth and beauty all on her own. I knew I was just a stepping stone for her for be able to do that.

We reminisced about the lifetimes before and all the roles she played trying to find her place in the world. Some of them were wonderful memories filled with laughter and late nights and exciting spontaneous adventures. Some of them were sad though, as she remembered all the times her light was dulled and she never felt like she was ever going to be enough. In the latter moments, I reminded her she’s not that person anymore and on this next adventure she’s going to learn so much more about herself.

She started feeling sorry for herself as she thought about the friends that came and went, and the dreams she had that she never was able to make happen. Man she really had some wild big dreams, and they were beautiful to listen to her talk about and watch the spark in her eyes shimmer. I knew some of those dreams, if not all of them, were still very real for her. I reminded her that she’s very capable of making her dream life, that she was just starting a new path of self discovery which could very well be the path she needed to be on all along. To my surprise she agreed.

As she looked back at me one more time she smiled, and we knew we’d never see each other again. With nothing but love and gratitude in our hearts for our time together, she walked away.

She was gone, and I felt an overwhelming and confusing mixture of peace and fear. She was me, and I am her.. and I can’t wait to makere her proud. All I went through when I was “her” wasn’t for nothing. I forgive her.

While this is the 29th chapter that has been written
It’s the first of its kind.

The others
They’re full of marks and underlines

Edits from others
Rewrites from me, however everyone else wanted the character to be

I began writing my story
In 2022

I wrote and I wrote
motifs with new views

Guardedly crafting every line
I picked some new characters
Tried out some new styles

Had a litany of editors
To re-read every other line

This is chapter 29
The first of its kind

I’ve retired my editors
Publish without a reread
I’m not afraid of spelling errors
Their a part of me

If you don’t like my book
You don’t have to read
I write what I need

This chapter is meaningful
It;s authentically me.

Dear future Me,

I’m so fucking excited to see you
and be you—but I gotta say,
being where I am—right here,
and right now—is more than OK.

I love that I’m learning to pray
through pleasure and play.

I love that I’m learning that in all ways, everything is working out for me always.

I am trusting in the process
and working with faith,
finally proud of my progress
enough to say:

that doing the best I can,
and trusting in a greater plan
is really enough for me.

I truly understand
there is nothing greater than
giving myself love—it makes me free.

What I love most about
this moment right now
is that I’m recognizing how
it all works out—
what it’s all about:

It’s so easy to truly See
when I stop to breathe and Be.
Despite conditions, I can stay free—
by being me, unconditionally.

I’ve been so many places, done so many things.
I have made numerous mistakes, never quite reached perfection.
I have been shallow, and vain, sarcastic, and condescending.
I have hidden from the world, worked hard to avoid any real connection.
But I’m growing… I am aware of my shortcomings.
I diligently work toward being proud of my reflection.
How I look, these days, isn’t my concern though.
It is who I AM that matters to me now!
How I treat others, the love that I show.
Taking pride in my behavior, honoring every vow.
I put forth effort these days, to be better, to nurture… to grow.
I don’t throw words around that I don’t mean.
I uphold integrity, and do my best to remain humble.
I choose battles wisely, and always protect my peace.
Hold myself accountable, show myself grace whenever I stumble.
Life isn’t easy, but becomes more beautiful with each passing day.
Today I choose to be completely clean and sober.
I know that God has my back, He guides me along the way.
When I see my reflection, I no longer abhor.
I am proud of the person that I am today.
I move different, always doing the next right thing.
I say what I mean, and I mean all that I say.
God brought to this place, and His praises, I will sing!
I hope for the future, no longer regret the past.
I am open to change, and stay willing to learn.
From within, I’ve built a foundation to last.
I work hard in rebuilding all the bridges that I once burned.
I no longer have to hide my face due to all the shame.
I can honestly say that I’m proud of who I have become.
I know who I AM now, and I’m proud of myself today.
The war may not be over, but every battle to date, has been won!

My love letter about me to you!
What I like about this chapter of my life is being honored to have my degrees and allowing my degrees to work with me as a full-time teacher! I want to say that I am in a wonderful time of my life! I am a wife, mother, mother in law and grandparent. I have raised three successful sons. I have been married for thirty-five years and am a proud mother-in-law and Granna of two beautiful girls!
It has been a lot of work taking care of me and the life I am in. I was a hard worker all my life. I have worked since I was a teenager. I was a babysitter, worked for low-income youth programs, worked at a fashion store, retail factory and so on. I attended a college out of my home state but transferred back to my hometown. I kept attending college but took time out to get married and raise my sons as a stay-at-home mother. In the back of my mind, I always wanted to finish college. Well, I did go back part time juggling my last son between my family as his babysitter to help me out. I did substitute along the way once my older two sons became full time in elementary school.
I ended up receiving not one but three degrees! I received my associate degree, then a bachelor’s degree which led to a master’s degree in early childhood. I say that to say this, my life went well and as intended, but with some detours, however, I completed a lifelong dream of receiving my college degree. I am proud of myself that with the help of my husband and family I completed my dream.
Did I say it was easy? No, it was a lot of hard demands, time, disappointment, uncertainty at times, and exhausting with three sons. However, was it obtainable? Yes, as I finished the course my confidence increased because the light was at the end of the tunnel. Do not give up too fast or not at all if you can, just change course and find another dream to go after!
To you, try to put your dreams out there so people can hear them, and to write them down so you have something to go by. Life will get busy and complicated as you age, but your dreams are still waiting for your return. Find someone or others who can encourage you to stick with your dream(s). Never give up the fight even if it is slow progress. My dream of getting my degree was a long one, and it took a lot of support, but I had to do the demanding work! You too will need to do challenging work as well! Do not get too discouraged but reach out to a loved one who has your back and work hard to make your dream come true! I believe in you, just as someone believed me! In fact, I had to believe in myself first before anyone believed in me! Go get your dream!! And you too will have the best time of your life!

Hey girl
I’m so proud of you even in this turned upside down world
Your beautiful smile and beautiful curls
Exudes your strength, uplifts other boys and girls
Because right now your life is clearly in shambles
But you make it look easy and always have it handled
With God on your side
Along with ancestors and angels
Despite any hidden obstacles or unexpected angles
This life is a strangle
But you are so strong
And when you’re ready to give up,
You just keep trucking along
Singing all your favorite songs
You are clearly Unstoppable
Just imagine yourself far away, somewhere tropical
A Warrior, you are, you have an incredible story
And in the midst of it all
You keep giving God the glory
I am so proud of you
Girl, keep doing your thing
So much is in store
You are great in so many things
There’s so much life will bring
Regardless if it’s good or bad
Keep embracing everything.

Dear Charmaine,

What you love about this chapter in your life is it is believed to be…Pruning time! Pruning is something you found out that continuously needs to happen. You get cut down, cut back, trimmed on. It can come out of nowhere or you can see it coming. You realize that when you are serving God, get ready or don’t be shocked when it happens. He will cut you with things that are going to test your faith. To see if you are spouting words or believe what He says. No matter if it is your health, people, rejection, finances or whatever. He wants you to grow back stronger and more beautiful. He wants you to say “I have a TESTimony” My God brought me through!!! People trying to take your home you worked so hard for. Your insecurities that you allowed people to give you, questioning your ministry and self. Your children’s health, your marriage. Your rare, mysterious health issues. God is bringing you through them all. He will continually bring you through them all! You are here to witness God’s Goodness, Grace and Mercy. How can you do this unless you walk through some swaps, dirt, mud, been through some terrible storms. To say you are still here, you are still standing. God has brought you through. Even though you don’t want the tornado to come your way, you don’t want things eating at you or being cut down to start again. God is able!!! He is letting you be prune, so you can stand beautifully ready to be open again, to Bloom in another Season. Trust God, It is not what you want! But God knows it is what you need! So remember it is Pruning Time Again!??!
As I would say you are actually the perfect candidate for God to use. You have no special degree in any minister, no special teacher degree or a scholar. Not the popular girl and most experienced in life. That is where God gets His Glory from the normal, mundane, not so look at, not so talk about young lady. It is funny that you are someone who seems to be doing some stuff now. Things out of your character, realm of knowledge and expertise.You don’t have a degree in that. How are you going to tell others the truth about things? Well, God is the only answer to how. If you are a believer, it is the only answer that makes sense! That God uses the simple things of the world to confuse the wise. He also is using you again in sharing His Glory by using a health problem. He allows you to have this unique, rare mysterious condition. That teams of doctors are scratching their heads over. Questions of why it came, where it came from and now how do they treat you? There are no seemingly bad habits, no drug, alcohol, or smoking in my life. You are pretty much healthy and young. No high blood pressure, diabetics, no history of cancers in the family. “So what do I have and how are the doctors going to treat it?” So here comes God showing his miracle magic miraculous all knowing power! Showing them treatment to try, but ultimately He has to heal and save!!! That job forever belongs to Him. So, He wants you to testify of his goodness and grace! How often do you and others say no you can’t do this minister thing! God says Yes You Can!!!
When the doctors, professionals and you are all confused about what is going on in your body and why. God is here to say, “I AM NOT! I know all, I see all, I knitted you in your mothers womb. I made every cell, tissue and bone. Just look at me and I will show you how and why I am the chief physician who never lost a case!!!” You have to say Hallelujah Amen to that. So, this rare, unique, mysterious flower in God’s garden is destined to bloom. No matter how many storms come to destroy and cut you down. God controls storms, they cease at His command!!! So even when you are pruned again, because you will. You know who holds the future, your tomorrow and beautifully allows you to Bloom!!!
Love you and keep pursuing your purpose. You love this chapter of your life because God has pulled you through, made you see things you never thought you could face before and show you your strength in the midst of the storms.

Blessings,
Charmaine

Rediscovering me
And who I’m destined to be
Also where I’m called to be
Realigning my life
For how I see fit
Your opinion doesn’t matter here
Reaffirming myself
Restating my boundaries
Protecting my energy
Praying and watching the blessings align
Divine timing I say
Watching it all unfold
And all the manifestations come true
Earlier this year, I made a vision board
I envisioned conversations with friends
And me and the babes have been intentionally showing up for one another
Planning trips together
Celebrating each other
Holding one another accountable
(Hashtag) #RealFriends
And I refer to my college roommates as the babes
I’m so grateful for each one of them
Bestie and I are able to communicate more too
She bought a house and also graduated again
Had to be there for those special and important moments
Also placed “me” time on there
And as I write this poem, I’m discovering me again
The writer within
Time spent with me is allowing me to be free
And write from the heart
And write what feels good
In yoga, they say “find what feels good and listen to your body”
Shout out to Ritual, constantly reminding her to show up for herself and that her rituals are sacred
Her heart was broken
It wasn’t easy and yet she pushed through it
She did the work, I mean is doing the work
Shout out to her therapist
She gets it, she understands
She follows up and follows through
She encourages her to take good care
She makes recommendations
Still grateful that I actually listened and checked out ACA
Her mind is happy she’s progressing from hurting, to healing, to helping
Helping herself
Helping her loved ones
Healing from the shame and blame from the past
Because she realized some of it, was not even hers to carry
She’s lighter, since she’s let go of those loads
She is remembering all the love her Grams showed
She is remembering the patience her Auntie gave
She is taking all the obstacles she’s ever faced
And using them as stepping stones to get her back on track
She’s been resilient
And full of strength
All of life’s lessons has prepared her for this very moment
She’s courageous
Even when she feels discouraged and alone
Because she knows she is truly never alone
Or on her own
God is within her, she will not fail
Or fall
And absolutely, that’s a Psalm
Psalms 46:5 to be exact
She’s reminded by God’s love and wisdom along with His grace and mercy
That she could do all things through him
This year of rediscovery, has strengthened her relationship with herself
Strengthened her relationship with God
She needs her physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health in alignment to be the best version of herself
She’s being the best she can be
She is loving and living life unapologetically
On the path to rediscovery
Her mom loves to say “a journey of a thousand miles starts with one footstep”
So cheers to taking the first step
To reclaim her life
To putting herself first
To finally recognizing her worth
To being intentional with her time
For celebrating herself the way she celebrates and supports others
To realizing that she’s not in control
To knowing that she can’t change people or the past
And because of this, reminding herself that all she can do is pray for people and encourage them to take better care of themselves

This year of rediscovery
I’ve grown and learned
I’ve gotten closer with myself
No longer afraid of being alone
Or doing it on my own
Carving out time to do what I love and get back to me
Self love is the best love
And I absolutely love myself
Grateful to be on the other side of it all now
Ready to welcome what’s next with open arms

Solitude is where I find myself.
While feeling lonely at times,
I have learned to love the solitude that comes from rediscovering who I am.
After years of unlimited care for others and helping others achieve their goals while putting mine on hold, I had to learn how to say no and set boundaries.
But how selfish of you, they said.
Do you not care? They asked.
Who are you? They wondered.
You’ve changed. They spoke.
What happened to the sweet girl? They asked each other.
Who hurt her? They asked with confusion.
No, I am not selfish. Or maybe I am, and I love that for myself. No, I will not apologize.
Yes, I care, deeply. Deeper than they can imagine.
I didn’t know who I was either. After putting all of my energy into making everyone happy and taking care of everyone else’s needs, I lost myself. She is gone, nowhere to be found or heard, which is why I am so absent, withdrawn, and alone. While others call my life lonely, I call it rediscovery.
I love the peace of mind from being the opposite of who I was.
Yes, I changed and there is no denying it.
I am not that girl anymore.
The one that had no boundaries.
The one that always said yes.
The one that was going out of her way to serve others.
What can I say my cup was leaky, too many cracks, too many spills, and not enough repair or filling of my cup.
I had nothing left.
The cracks got bigger.
The hurt was deeper.
The cup emptied.
Not a drop left.
Suffocated is what I was.
No one was filling, only taking and taking.
Ignoring how fragile my cup was and the cracks getting deeper.
Eventually, I shattered.
I realized it was no one’s fault but mine.
Nobody owed me anything, not a hug, no support, and especially not their time when I needed it most.
It was my fault I was hurting.
The only one who can repair my fragile cup is me.
I now realize that as much as I would love for someone to be there for me when I am feeling hopeless and lost, just like I am always there for those I love, I cannot put that burden on them.
I’ve always been the daughter, friend, and sister that seems to have no problems.
We never have to worry about her, she always finds her way. I hear them say.
She’s so strong and independent. Again, they don’t know how fragile I am because I carry myself and my stressors well.
However, instead of hating how fragile I am and how others view me as a strong woman, now I love that I am accepting all of the broken pieces and one day at a time I am slowly putting those pieces together with the same love, care and time I invested on others.
Solitude has helped me learn to love all of myself, the good, the bad, the broken, and the weird.
I am thankful for the emptiness because it pushed me to rediscover my inner child, and my happiness, and overall opened my eyes to the takers.

Dear Tammy,

I know this is a crazy time right now. I can’t believe I had the courage to quit my job without having another one lined up. That something I never did in my life. I literally don’t have much to live on right now and can’t even afford to pay my own bills, but I been down this road before.

I felt unappreciated at my last job even though I did my best to succeed. Sometimes you just must take a stand and say enough is enough. Funny thing is my Employer took it well and so did my coworker’s. Except for one coworker who felt it was her mission in life to put me down. I told her I give up and I am quitting. I don’t know if she did not believe me or what but for 3 weeks, I had to Endure her emotional trauma of insults, sudden niceness, nosiness etc. Again, why is it my fault for other people’s issues. Have you ever heard of grieving the dead? I never seen grieving the living. Oh well not my concern.

I applied to at least 30 jobs each one turning me down for some lame excuse which at this point has become laugh able. I always said it better to laugh in the face of fear then let people believe they got the best of you. I have generated this AI photo of myself and thought I want to be this person. My mom tells me it fake. It not really you. Why would I want to look like the person I don’t want to be? I do not believe what my mom tells me. Who is she to tell me what to become? Sometimes people forget you are NOT them. You are your own unique person and need to develop into a greater person too. Sometimes, I wonder who am I?

I posted the image on LinkedIn; it pretty much looks like me. I got a message from a previous employer wanted me to come back. I thought might as well. The company has grown, and they do have a lot of success and he is never wrong. I did an interview, and I was told I would get another. Yet to hear back yet. To keep myself busy, I decided to inquire about going back to college. Do Hybrid so I can learn better. I learn better on my own then in a class.
I remember one time paying money for an English class only to have one student crying about her life and her troubles. I though why am I paying for an education to listen to someone else’s story. It did not seem right to me, and I drop out never to return. I have many times in the past tried to return only to be told that my financial aid did not go through or that I did not past a test and would not be accepted. After a while you give up hope until somebody in life reminds you about how smart they believe you are. Who know I thought maybe things changed since then and it much easier than before? Maybe?

It all started off as a simple inquiry and next thing I knew I am enrolled in a class for Fall. Even got a guidance Counselor to help me on what I need. I did all this online in just two days. Insane I know. It is expensive but I was able to set up a payment plan and file for financial aid. If that does not work maybe a job will offer Tuition Reimbursement. I decided to change my Major to Human Services, why? Because I had an interview for a job and one company was interesting, and I had no idea that career path even existed. Wow I thought that so me. I had the credits that I needed to get my associates. My only worry is the Math class. Biology I can get through. Math not so much. I must take a placement test on Saturday. I needed a student ID. I just learned that you could get one online just send your own photo. It was way to easy to do and I still not idea what Hybrid learning is, even though I took a class on that and got an award for passing.

Anyways, I got this email about a contest, and I thought to myself the money could really assist me on paying for my class and might help someone else in the process. On one of my many failed interviews someone said to me you should write something new to publish and I said to him. I just need a little inspiration.

Hopefully, Yours

Tammy Rachal

Born in a small town in the sixties. Being black and born to a teenager who was in love with an older man. A product of forced marriage. No love, no unity. No education, no job. Annulment. GED, new man, remarried.
New family. Hated because of who the biological dad was. Alone. Biological is killed. Too much for a 6yr old. New siblings. Alone again.
Teenage life brings about perverted old men. No one believes the stories. Alone. Alcohol, parties, babies, abortions, depression. Alone.
Giving birth because you’re in love. He’s gone. Alone. Evictions. Graduation, College. Pregnancy. Grandma.
Children turn their backs on you. Alone.
Aged 55, starting over. Alone
It’s Peach picking season. Might pickle some, make a pie, or eat them straight from the tree.
One thing for certain, I will no longer be burned by the flames of others. I am a Sweet Peach…

Dear Droyer,

Wow. You have been on a RIDE. How you doing, kid? You hydrating? You should be. How’s the brain? Still beautiful but frustrating as all hell? Never works the way other people think it should? Good. That means it’s yours, and yours alone. And it’s good that other people don’t get it; you can’t expect random idiots gawking on the street to understand Spiderman as he swings through Manhattan on a web line.

We could spend this time going over all the crap you’ve lived through: the hell of being raised by a narcissistic, abusive mother, being beaten and repeatedly assaulted by your sister. We could go over the abusive boyfriends you’ve survived or the friends that used you. We could discuss at length, the trauma that led you to cut off your family of origin for good, and cast yourself adrift in the waters of uncertainty.

But let’s not, okay? Rearview mirror. Looking back is great and all, to inform your journey forward, but too much looking back and you wrap yourself around a tree, and while I love a good tree-hugging every now and again… maaaaaybe we keep our eyes on the road, huh?

Anyway, let’s talk about the silver lining. All that crap? All that pain? There was meaning in it. There was light in it. There was love in it. If you hadn’t been hurt by those cruel, awful people, you wouldn’t have moved to Washington, and you wouldn’t have met the love of your life. Your hubby, by the way, is just as weird, just as quirky, just as hilarious as you are, and best of all? He loves you exactly for who you are, would never change you, and always has your back. Great job! Not exactly sure how you pulled that one off, but… lucky you!

Had you not moved to Washington, you wouldn’t have met your best friend, whose wife you ADORE and whose kids you spoil ROTTEN. Your niece and nephew absolutely think the world of you–granted, they’re babies so they have no basis for comparison, but still! They’re good people and they love the heck outta you.

If you hadn’t gone through the pain of letting your bio family drop away, the loneliness and the isolation of being disconnected from them, you wouldn’t have thrown yourself fully into your CHOSEN family. You wouldn’t have healed! You wouldn’t have grown! You’d still be sad, and that’s not a good look on you.

Your writing would still be sad, depressed and dark, too–and we’ll leave the dark gritty writing to M. Night Shyamalan; he can have the twist endings too, I’m kinda over them, to be honest.

You’ve written an audio series, about a female horror villain trying to take her place amongst a bunch of misogynistic male horror villains, and everyone who’s ever heard it laughs so hard they pee a little. A critical analysis might reveal that when writing these misogynistic creeps, you were simply writing your own bio family, and who doesn’t love laughing at the people who’ve hurt you? Nicely done!

Humor means you’re healing, and that definitely looks good on you.

I love you, Droyer. It’s taken me a long time to be able to say that to you, because for a long time, I hated you–myself. But I love you, and I think you’re great. I want only the best for you, and I want you to thrive. This moment in your life, this place in your life, while imperfect, is miles beyond all the pain you’ve endured.

Your soul is light as a feather, your heart is full of laughter, your mind is clear.

You really are a superhero, and you will continue to soar.

Don’t worry about making me proud, Droyer.

I already am, and I always will be.