• Antoinette Gonzalez shared a letter in the Group logo of PoetryPoetry group 3 days, 20 hours ago

    A Message For My 1st Abuser

    The following is a poem entitled “Loudly Voiceless!” and has been written as Slam Poetry. This poem is not just to my abuser but to all abusers near and far. More importantly this is an empowerment to all the victims out there. Never forget – you’re NOT broken, you ARE healing. Become a survivor you deserve it more than you will ever comprehend.

    Loudly Voiceless!

    Yes, you made me voiceless.
    You turned me into a victim.
    You were content
    Content with the decision you took away from me.

    I have a million voices in my head,
    A million words in my brain
    But I just cant formulate a sentence.
    I cant,
    I just cant,
    I’m a writer
    I use words
    But I cant

    I think about the things you’ve done to me and I wander how?
    How could you look at me as an innocent child and not know.
    Not know that this was wrong.
    How could you not know what you were doing to me?
    I’m not even talking about the physical aspect,
    You are literally a master manipulator and you didn’t know what you were doing to my brain?
    Or maybe you did and your actions were the paint stroke on the canvas that is me.
    You created a masterpiece out of me.
    A masterpiece that I had no say in!
    How is that fair?

    I ran away,
    And at the time I didn’t know what I was running away from or where I was running to
    But thanks to you
    I ran into
    The arms of men just like you.
    I was looking for you
    In them
    Because of what you
    Painted on me.
    I cant rack my brain around the actions of my abusers
    And no it wasn’t one abuser
    You see when a victim becomes a victim they are more susceptible to becoming a victim
    Again, and, again.
    You gave those men permission not me
    You wrote that contract within me in places they would find and I could never see

    You were only one
    But they were

    30 years later and you have a daughter
    A daughter that I pray to gods that I don’t even believe in
    That she will never become the canvas that you turned me into

    I was only two

    That says a lot about you

    But don’t worry
    Your access has been cut
    Your canvas has been cleaned
    And now
    I am the artist manipulating the paint strokes
    I am no longer your victim
    Your little masterpiece
    I am me!
    I am a woman!
    I am not an object for a man to see or hold or possess.
    I am a human!
    An equal to men like you
    And one, two, three!

    I am wrong
    I am not an equal
    I am of high achy
    And do you know why I am of high achy?
    Because I choose to be me!
    And not the canvas that Picasso has painted
    We’re not in your gallery
    We’re in mine
    And here there are no victims only survivors
    And you
    Have no space and no place not even on this earth
    But that is not for me to determine
    That is for what is coming
    The things that you did to me
    You will reap what you sow

    You see on this healing journey
    Me and karma
    We became friends
    I took every bit of that beating she had for me
    For everything I did wrong in this world
    And then I stood up and I said
    “You’re right, Sis. And I’m better for it.”
    See the hardest part of this wasn’t even karma
    It was destiny
    It was the fact that I was destine to face the things that you hid from me deep within my brain
    Knowing, knowing that my childhood would hid it away because it was protecting me.

    I have two beautiful daughters
    Whom witnessed my trauma
    Not with you
    But still a trauma you created
    But the same way they witnessed that trauma you created
    They witness their mama break
    One of those traumas down
    And they will continue
    Continue to watch me break them down

    They are my biggest supporters
    and do you know why I keep fighting?
    It is not because they are my biggest supporters
    It is because I need them to know that
    Every single man just like you in this world has no place in their world
    Their world is above and beyond them
    Their world is greater than them
    Their world is greater than any
    Of you,

    Antoinette Lucila Gonzalez
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    • Dear Antoinette,
      Your poem is so touching and truthful. I am sorry you had to go thru so much abuse, trauma and sadness as such a young person, I am very happy your life is now on the right track and you are with a good man in a healthy relationship. I wish you all the best together.

      Best regards,

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    • OMG! WOW! Antoinette! This is soo good. You really give powerful insight on what it’s like to be a victim, and also how you persevere through such trauma. This poem is incredibly and so deep and so empowering. I am sorry for what you went through but I am beyond inspired by all that you are. Keep shining. Keep pushing forward. Keep showing your baby girls the wonder woman that is their mom. Xo <3Lauren

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