Overstimulated (Past Tense)
o-ver-stim-u-late
verb
stimulate physiologically, or mentally to an excessive degree
Overwhelmed (Past Tense)
o-ver-whelm
verb
bury or drown beneath a huge mass
defeat completely
The words many, including myself, use to describe motherhood.
Yet;
Motherhood
Moth-er-hood
Noun
the state of being a mother […] View
I was always that kid that stood out, the one that was just different from the other kids. I was either too energetic or too down. My hair was usually not brushed or taken care of, and my clothes were usually too small. Watching as all my classmates would get good grades and understand the lessons being taught, it began to affect me emotionally. I sat there feeling defeated every test, every report card, every honor roll ceremony. I gave my all to my work and just could not get it. I felt dumb and hopeless, and I gave up by about 7th grade.
As I walked through adulthood, I realized I was good at working. I have great leadership skills, and I can pick up pretty much anything that I learn quickly. A completely different me, I thrived (survived one might say) in adulthood. For about 10 years, I was a single parent to children who began to walk through the same educational difficulties as me.
I was sitting in a room with my oldest daughter, 7 at the time, doing homework when she screamed, “I’m so stupid!” her face resembled a tomato on a rainy day. This was just the beginning of my journey to advocating for my kids. Shortly there after, my daughter received an IEP, Independent Educational Plan. Within one quarter, she did a 360 with her grades. She was comprehending everything!
My oldest daughter is now in 9th grade, an honor roll student since 3rd grade, in an engineering program that will allow her to get an Associates in Engineering and her high school diploma simultaneously. She is projected to be the first college graduate on both my side and her dad’s side.
Along this journey of advocacy and educational equality, I’ve had to be my own teacher. I had to learn to be the student in order to understand the journey my children were on. My family and I faced so many barriers on this journey, each one becoming a necessary lesson to learn with very valuable knowledge. Today, I am on my 2nd IEP journey with my youngest daughter, and it is extremely empowering.
I’m able to offer so much to my children that I didn’t have access to. I’m grateful I get to show them my successes while watching them grow into these beautiful and brave human beings. Have faith and give yourself grace, but most of all, don’t give up! You can change where you’re at as long as you believe in you!
Growing up on Sailor Moon
And looney toons
Slip and slides
Always with soapy eyes.
Carefree summers
We were Beach bummers
Adulthood far from our minds
Ice cream of many kinds
Man hunt and freeze tag
Always up for a good fart bomb gag.
Childhood was a bliss
Something you’ll always miss.
Hey Al, your poem perfectly captures the carefree joy of childhood. It brought back memories of summers filled with fun and laughter. Amazing poem, very light hearted and playful use of language. I love it!!!
My love;
I’m sorry for never seeing you
For constantly gas lighting.
Every time you tried to speak;
I silenced you like suppression.
You cried while I turned my back
I couldn’t even stand to see your reflection.
“LOOK AT ME!”
With salt stained cheeks and blood shot eyes
I finally see that its been you,
Staring back at me.
This beautiful, kind hearted piece of art;
Your strip wrapped breast & thighs, your tattoos
Tell me stories of your journey thus far.
Your mind is magnificently filled with knowledge; to mend the wounded.
I’m excited to finally fall completely in love with you
After all these foolish, wasteful, distasteful years.
Always yours; Forever mine
-Me
Being excited to fall in love with yourself is such a warm feeling! I really relate to this story and loved the words you used to describe the scene. I love the way you moved from apologizing/ feeling sorry to feeling excited about the beauty within it 🙂
Alexis, this piece is so beautifully written – soulful! As Traveled through it I found myself hugging my inner child, then my mother, then my own children. The versatility of you piece is remarkable!
Have you ever had the pleasure of falling in love with someone you’ve never met?
It’s almost as if you have an immediate connection,
Your souls are fused together.
The pull of uncertain, certainty.
You feel everything all at once.
Your soul is content and full.
You’ve become a glutton for the love
It feels so good!
Theres butterflies signifying this spectacular moment in the timeline.
Have you ever had the pleasure of a heartbreak over someone you’ve never met?
They say the worst withdrawal is of a person.
I must say, “I agree.”
It’s almost as if you have lost a real piece of your soul
You have no autonomy over your
heart.
You crave, cry, and hate all within a
minute.
You mourn someone you’ve never even
met.
Have you ever had the pleasure of healing after a heartbreak over someone you’ve you’ve never met?
It’s almost as if you are whole again.
You carefully put each piece of your
shattered heart together
Hand gluing, welding, stitching,
and crafting it into your newest
artistry.
Looking at your newest master piece
You’re feel of all of the happy, joyful
memories you chose to keep
You’re reminded of the pain and
mourning that led to
You, whole,new & ready to love.
AL, your words beautifully capture the complexities of love, heartbreak, and healing, even with someone you’ve never met. It’s a testament to the power of human connection and strength. May your heart continue to mend and find love in unexpected places.
Antoinette, You are amazing! I love this line: “Look, it’s a bird, it’s a plane,
Nah – its Antoinette taking her power back.”
I totally smiled when I read that. You are changing your family’s story for sure! Thank you for sharing and thank you for being part of our little unsealed family. <3 Lauren
There is this liquid that many consider magic.
Society says it’s a great social catalyst.
Drink some of it and you may become a whole different person.
Be careful – too much may leave you with only a headache and nausea to remember your night.
Growing up this liquid was the answer to all of my mothers worries.
Its an antidepressant, if you will.
As I entered my teens ,
It became the medicine, taking away all my pain.
I even learned the secret formula,
Making it through the night with minimal side effects.
As I grew older this liquid became my BEST friend!
There for me when I was lonely
Giving me courage by masking my socially awkwardness.
The gifts of blackouts and uncertain regrets.
Eventually, my best friend grew to become my enemy.
Courage became sadness
Blackouts became spotty nights of horror.
It allowed strangers to carry me to their cars
Driving me to their homes.
Eyes flooded my face with painful tears.
My brain and heart screaming for love and healing!
This liquid was no longer magic,
My kryptonite love affair!
There is no real secret formula to avoiding the side effects.
It is my depressant.
I destroys me from the inside!
This liquid is not special,
It is not a cure to your pains.
It will tear you apart,
Taking you family as collateral damage.
This liquid is a poison,
-It is Alcohol!
Al, your words are powerful and raw. It’s brave of you to share your experience and warn others of its harmful effects. You’ve come to understand that alcohol is not a solution but a poison. May your story inspire others to seek healing and find healthier ways to cope.
You were a journey I yearned to embark on for many of my childhood years. A journey I knew I had to have however, knew nothing about. Today, I have been a mother for 15 years, nearly half my life. Your are everything I dreamed of and nothing I could have ever imagined. I cry uncontrollably, I have to re-parent myself, I’ve seen so many different versions of me within you.
I’m grateful for you the most out all of my life experiences. I’ve had some of my highest highs and my lowest lows within you. You have pushed me to grow and heal. The healing journey I have experienced was because of you. You taught me that I do not have to be what the world said I am. You’ve given me so many gifts. I’ve watched myself and my children grow into beautiful human beings.
I’ve learned kindness from you. I’ve learned how to love me. I’ve learned to treasure the moments while being excited for the future. You’ve taught the control freak within me that she can not control anything but herself. I can not express the magnitude of gratefulness I carry within me for you. Every minute that passes I look forward to the next.
I am excited to see what the future of motherhood hold and I’m ready for everything it has to throw at me; the good, the bad, the ugly and the pretty. So I say to you, Motherhood, thank you for everything you have and continue to gift me and all the wisdom you will embark on me.
Forever a Mother of Motherhood,
Antoinette Gonzalez
Antoinette!! This is beautiful. I am literally tearing up. Motherhood is such an amazing gift. And it’s clearly brought out the best in you, and it shows in the wonderful people your children have become. I love how you can recognize how fortunate you are and how you see all the beauty that comes with being a mom. This is a special piece. Thank…read more
Its was Thursday, May 11th, 2022, my husband agreed to go to urgent care because he had the pain that of a kidney stone, which he’s prone too. Results of the urine analysis showed traces of blood, consistent with a kidney stone trying to pass. The doctor sent us on our way with meds and a script for an MRI if the stone had not passed in 24 hours. That night my husband tossed and turned, waking me as he got out of bed at like 3 in the morning to go to the bathroom. When I awoke I could see him holding his lower left abdomen, his pain visible by the light in the hall hitting his face as he opened the door, and even more so in his hobbled out of the room. My husband is one of those manly men, he wont show he has anything wrong with him, which is why I became on high alert. I allowed him space in that moment.
I woke up the next morning to hurdle the kids off to school. I texted him on my way to drop the kids off – “Good Morning baby. Get ready, when I get home we are going to the ER to get your MRI.” I had already call the insurance company to see where we could go and was told it was a 45 day approval process for a nonemergency MRI. We were not waiting that long! I could feel the darkness looming, unsure of what the energy was, but heeding the warning it presented. We didn’t even get breakfast because I knew if we did we wouldn’t make it to the ER. My husband highly dislikes doctors let alone hospitals. Also, he had already talked me out of taking him to the ER the two previous days.
My husband was taken back, he explained he had a script for an MRI for the kidney stones but the insurance wouldn’t cover it unless it was emergency or preapproved. He did an MRI and then I was let back to wait for the results with him in his ER room. He was so visibly uncomfortable he sat in a chair rather than the bed. When the doctor entered the room, the darkness was still present and a bit stronger, he explained to us that my husband was being admitted and put on IV antibiotics due to a majorly inflamed bowel of his left side. Its important to note you could see a bulge on his abdomen even through his clothing.
He was immediately administered 2 bags of antibiotics plus a bag of fluids. Once transferred to his admitted room, we realized he was on the surgical ward. In that room is where I found myself face to face with the darkness. This wasn’t just any energy, this energy was death and it was here for my husbands life. I watched for three days as my husband became more and more ill. His skin wasn’t that of the beautiful caramel, white chocolate mix anymore, instead he was yellowish green. His eyes became sunken in and every night I laid in that hospital bed I prayed it was not my last night with him. I could feel me becoming a widow. I could see snippets of my future being a single mom again, carrying my mother in law through the grief of her baby boy. I could see myself being her history repeating itself. I was helpless, powerless! It was as if I had concrete around my feet keeping me in this place of darkness, wrapped in the dark coldness of death.
I vividly remember having to go home and deliver this news to my Mother in law. She doesn’t speak English so I had to go get my niece to translate for me. I gave my niece a small debriefing, I’m so grateful for her receiving the information and not succumbing to the possibility she was going to lose not just her uncle but her god father as well. As soon as my niece and I walked in the house I could see it on my mother in laws face she knew there was grave danger lurking. It was the hardest news I’ve had to deliver. However, I’m beyond grateful for her holding down our home while I tended to our love.
At one point I felt like I was losing my mind! Between being by my husband and children’s fathers side in the hospital, updating his employers, maintaining calm, cool and collected for our three beautiful children, and not having answers for my concerned mother in law and all of my husbands siblings, I was literally running on fumes. I would run to the lobby and eat turkey slim jims for breakfast, lunch and dinner; sometimes not eating at all. My husband wasn’t allowed to eat and I wanted to spend as much time as possible with him because I knew if I didn’t I would never forgive myself for not being with him in his final hours.
On Sunday, I ran home to prepare the kids and house for Monday so I could take the kids to school in the morning. Shortly there after I arrived at the hospital to a voice message from our daughter crying. All I understood out of the message was that our son was out. I called our oldest daughter to find out what was happening. Our dog got out while she was feeding him. I ran to my car to run home and find the dog. As I ran passed the nurses station I heard the voice of death – “You must choose.” I immediately ignored it, as it has no place in our lives to dictate anything. As I went through the back streets looking for our pup before arriving home the voice returned – “Your dog or your husband?” I answered aloud this time; “I will not choose! You have no place here! Nobody will die!” I later found out, simultaneously my husband and mother in law had a similar encounter. My husband was asked “Your mothers life or yours?” My mother in law was asked “Your life or your sons?”
When I arrived home, my mother in law already had found the dog so I went back to the hospital. When I arrived and parked I remember I have my own healing and cleansing abilities and right now we are fighting for my husbands life! Why not do everything possible? I ran back home and grabbed my needed supplies. I ran to my car with everything and hurried off with all my witchcraft to heal my husband! When I arrived my husband informed me he was waiting on discharge papers and we could leave. The most relieving words I’ve ever heard leave my husband tongue.
When we arrived home, everyone rejoiced! The darkness was subsiding, and quickly. My husband started to regain his strength. It was beautiful to pay witness as my husband went from the frail state he was in not to long before in the hospital. To be home with my husband and not be a widow was the greatest gift I could have ever received for mothers day. In the end my husband was diagnosed with Diverticulitis. I am not a widow. My mother in law didn’t have to bury her baby boy. Our children get to live life with Papi by their side. Most of all, our family made it through this life altering event and we made it without life repeating history.
Al, the experience you and your husband went through is both heartbreaking and inspiring. The darkness that loomed over you, threatening your husband’s life, must have been overwhelming. Your strength and determination to fight for his health and well-being are admirable. I’m glad to hear that he recovered and that your family made it through this…read more
Overstimulated (Past Tense)
o-ver-stim-u-late
verb
stimulate physiologically, or mentally to an excessive degree
Overwhelmed (Past Tense)
o-ver-whelm
verb
bury or drown beneath a huge mass
defeat completely
The words many, including myself, use to describe motherhood.
Yet;
Motherhood
Moth-er-hood
Noun
the state of being a mother
Those words are not within the definition.
In motherhood you are expected to be all things
But not overwhelmed & overstimulated
Expected to heal without pain
Or complain
Expected to love and adore your children
But never warned of the days you wish you weren’t one
Wonder what life would be like without being
Overstimulated and overwhelmed.
“Don’t complain” they say “someone yearns for your blessing”
“Don’t cry” they say “you must show the children strength”
“Don’t yell” they say “you may cause lifelong trauma”
Everyone seems to have an opinion,
on what a mother mustn’t do in motherhood
But have you sat down and thought about this
A mother experiences a level of hormones that no other human could possibly comprehend
You spend months knowing with your entire being you are crazy.
Your body spend months growing a human.
Your organs literally shift,
Have you ever felt the toes of a growing child in between your ribs?
Most woman experience complications,
Those come with grief, pain and failure
Then you give birth,
Most traumatically,
A pain I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy.
Then your sent home with no help outside of your family
Husbands return to work,
Children to school
And mom;
Expected to carry the home,
While recovering,
In the fourth trimester.
Expected to breastfeed because formula could never be good enough
Expected to care for a innocent, fragile newborn;
While experiencing an entirely new set of hormones.
Post partum depression
Post partum anxiety
Post partum pain!
A child grows while a mother does her duty
What is that duty you ask?
Suppress every thing for the sake of your child’s wellbeing.
Children grow up and go out into this world;
Where is mom?
Still stuck in the first stage of motherhood,
Added overstimulated and overwhelmed,
Topped with depression and suppression,
Sprinkled with tons of defeat.
Motherhood is the ugly truth!
Aww motherhood is definitely the hardest job and we don’t give women enough credit or support. This is so real and I admire you so much. You are a wonderful and strong mom – A great example for your children.
Wow, you did a great job explaining what motherhood is. I’m sure you grew your children in a great way and it made me look back on how my mother grew up and it made me understand that she probably had some things that she had to keep in and that she had to draw herself away from to grow us. Thank you for sharing your perspective on motherhood, a…read more
The year 2022 was a year that gave me the most hope and reminded me the value of my own life. It, like others, gave me high highs and some scary low lows. One of my highs was that I was able to spend the time and money to begin my journey to fixing my teeth again. I found the perfect dentist and I spent majority of the year with her working on perfecting my smile. It was painful at times and even more so draining. However, my confidence and self esteem sored through the entire universe. Another high is how my teeth journey saved my life!
I received a root canal on the tooth behind my K-9 tooth on the bottom right side. This was a Wednesday and I was sent home with antibiotics and Motrin 800. By Friday I was back in the office with slight swelling and lots of pain. My dentist gave me Tylenol 3, prescription strength Tylenol that had Oxycodone mixed with it, and was told if the pain persists or swelling worsens to go to the hospital. Saturday, I was still in bed with the pain and my husband begged me to go in to the Emergency room. I hate hospitals! After hours of procrastination, I settled for the urgent care.
I have been to the urgent care once before for sever tooth pain and they were able to give me a shot of Tylenol that take effect immediately. But even more so, I knew I needed a stronger antibiotic because there was no way this wasn’t a sever infection with the amount of pain I was in and the meds I was already on. When I was explaining to the urgent care doctor what had happened throughout the week he looked at me and said, “I do not give narcotics for tooth aches.” To which I responded, “I do not need narcotics, nor do I want them. I have Tylenol 3 that isn’t working. I need a stronger antibiotic.” I also asked to have my ear looked at due to it being in pain. He prescribed me a much stronger antibiotic, gave me the shot. Then sat with me to gave me an exact schedule on how to take my meds to keep the pain at bay. I had full relief for a few hours and then over the course of the day the pain came back.
Sunday rolled around and now I am not just in pain but I’m also sleep deprived because the pain didn’t allow me to rest. When I looked in the mirror I saw the swelling was no longer in the isolated space on my jawline, where the root canal took place. There was literally no definition between my jaw and neck with the swelling. After seeing this, I asked my husband to drive me to the hospital. I explained to the doctor everything that had transpired from the root canal to the urgent care to this day. Again I was met with “We don’t treat dental work. All I can do is give you a CT and some Motrin.”
At this point I now have pain in my right cheek bone, right nostril, my neck, my jaw, my right ear. I also was experiencing extreme pressure behind my right eye, a migraine that covered the entire right side of my head, and the swelling was so bad that I could not turn my head. While my nurse was doing his intake on me, the imaging technician came to do my CT. While waiting for my nurse to finish up I could see him looking at me and at his paperwork in his hand, slightly confused. Just then he interrupts to ask “Are you having pain in your neck as well?” I responded to him “Yes. I’m having pain all through here,” and I used my hand to show him my entire right side of my head, face and neck. He then walked away in the direction of my doctor.
When he came back the nurse was done and he took me to get my CT. While on our way I learned despite my complaints and visible swelling the doctor requested a CT of ONLY my jawline. The imaging tech asked the doctor to change it to my entire head and neck as well. My husband and I waited patiently for the results, hoping I would leave with some sort of relief. The doctor came back and explained to me that the CT showed I had Sphenoid Sinusitis and I would need to follow up with an ENT (Ear, Nose & Throat Specialist). She explained the migraines are the toughest there are because its from the sinus. She said the good thing is there was no abscesses, which I knew because I’ve had abscesses in my mouth before when I was a child, and that was my response when she said that. The doctor sent me on my way with the recommendation to see an ENT.
I want to make it clear, when we were given this information there was absolutely no sense of urgency from the doctor. While on our way home we looked up what this Sphenoid Sinusitis was and it scared me a bit. Then I remember I jump to worst case scenario in these situations and I didn’t want to go through that. I called my mom the next day to tell her, she explained the ENT would put a camera in my nose and flush my sinuses through my nose and immediately I was like “NOPE!” Over the course of the next couple of weeks I avoided the topic and even attempting to find an ENT like the plague.
However, this was a huge mistake that I didn’t realize would literally effect my life terminally! Soon I was sick all the time with a head cold I just couldn’t shake. I had gotten to the point where I was just a vessel moving through my day to day life the best I could. It took every ounce of energy to get up and take the kids to school. For a month my routine became; get up, take the kids to school, come home and sleep, get up to pick the kids up from school (I slept in the car while waiting for them to get out) then go home and sleep. My family became progressively more concerned for me and honestly I did too. With the little bit of energy I had while laying in bed between naps, I began reading up more on Sphenoid Sinusitis and learned the following:
Sphenoid Sinusitis is a rare disease with potentially devastating complications such as cranial nerve involvement, brain abscess, and meningitis. It occurs at an incidence of about 2.7% of all sinus infections. Although headache is the most common presentation symptom, there is no typical headache pattern. Common symptoms of Sphenoid Sinusitis include but are not limited to; headaches, earaches, neck pain, pain behind the eyes and around the temples, post nasal drip, sinus congestion and sore throat. Sphenoid Sinusitis can cause severe complications that are potentially fatal and therefore must never be underestimated.
Then I found an article of the severity of this disease in its worst state and I realized I had all of these symptoms. The weakness, lack of energy, sleeping all the time, this was my body being over taken by the disease. I knew I needed help and I needed it immediately! When I found my ENT, due to the hospital I got my diagnoses from he wasn’t fully sure it was this so he ran lots of tests. One of which was a breathing test, I scored a 29, the lowest, normal rate should be 78. As soon as he saw this he gave me a breathing treatment in office. He sent me for a blood allergy test. I was put on an inhaler twice per day, an emergency inhaler, an allergy pill once a day, a nasal steroid, an oral steroid and an antibiotic and was instructed to come back in a month for a follow up and results review. When I went back a month later, I was sick again with the same symptoms minus the excessive sleeping. I did feel the best I had felt in months. I did another breathing test and a follow up CT. He found that my Sphenoid sinus cavity was still half full with infection. I got sent home with my second round of steroids, third round of antibiotics and another follow up for a month later.
A month later I walked into his office and I thought I was cured. I still got a cold again, at this rate I was getting it once a month but it wasn’t lasting as long. The follow up CT for this appointment showed that my Sphenoid sinus cavity was only 25% filled with infection and he wanted it gone. So, a third round of steroid and a fourth of antibiotics, but this time a different, stronger one and another follow up a month later.
One month later, no cold, full of life and no infection in my sphenoid sinus cavity gave me the almost all clear. Doc wanted to see how I did for a month without all the meds. I went a month only using my allergy pill. This follow up CT showed no infection! I was cured! But, I wasn’t. I never truly will be. I will live with this for life. Every time I get any type of cold I have to be put on steroid and antibiotics to ensure this never gets out of control and takes my life.
Last year, I felt my body giving up. I felt the life draining from me with every cold, every sniffle, every nap. I genuinely feared I wouldn’t wake up one day. I am a mother, a wife, a daughter, an aunt and so much more. A lot of people will hurt and be lost if I had not been working on my teeth! My mother would have out lived her youngest child. My husband would have been a widower and would have had to raise our children without me! My children motherless! I’m incredibly grateful I began my journey to fix my teeth, for if I had not I may have not found this in a time where it was fixable.
My teeth literally saved my life!
*The Sphenoid Sinus Cavity is a sinus cavity that is within your brain. When it is completely full of infection this can causethe infection to overflow to your brain.
OMG!! I am so sorry you went through all of this. It sounds absolutely terrible but I am glad they were able to diagnose and treat you and your feeling better. <3 Lauren
You are so strong to think that a person can go through something like this and continues to stay in their right mind amazes me. I would wish to have as much strength as you had going through this process. Thank you for sharing your store to us mand teaching us about The Sphenoid Sinus Cavity.
That sounds like it was horrible. I’m so glad that you are feeling better. Thank you for sharing your story and educating us on what you went through. <3
I have had the pleasure of spending the last 11 years with your son as my life partner. We have had our ups and downs, that has not stopped us from enjoying our lives together. When I walked into your son’s life there wasn’t much he would talk about with me when it came to you because he was still in pain. I know it must have been hard knowing you were leaving him and your wife so soon in life.
While I know you only got to spend 9 years with him physically, I know you have been here for his whole life. I want to thank you for giving him something I never had the pleasure of experiencing, what a father is supposed to be. When he and I met I had children already and your 22 year old son took them as if they were his! He has given our children the best gift possible, the gift of having a father, something every child should have.
He has spent majority of his life going to school and building a career and he is excelling even beyond his expectations. He now has a Masters in Financial Analysis. He has become a major asset within the company he works for in FinTech. FinTech, is a major player in todays world and it is 100% where you would want him to be! Your son has the potential to run this world if he truly wants it.
He and I have been working on healing individually and together and you would be proud to know, that healing is trickling down the line. Our family has never been stronger! We are all learning to lean in and onto each other. I know the conversations you and your wife, him mama, my madrina, had in the past and I’m here to tell you she has kept every promise!
I know you moved into the spiritual world long before I came along but you have presented yourself to me before I even knew it was you. I know you walk closely to all of your grandchildren and you will never truly know how much that puts this mama bear at ease. Your grandson is named after you and he and Abualita are best friends! If you cant find one, look for the other.
Having the honor of watching him grow and be a small version of you and your son makes it me smile on the inside and out. I watch that little boy and get lost in how much I now know you because of him. Everyone tells me all of your traits they see in him; like when he walks around like El Hefe with his hands behind his back observing closely or when he puts his hand on his hips as if to show he is the man of the house. I know when your close because he will carry the same limp my husband’s siblings tell me you had.
Your money clip was given to my husbands brother when you passed because you two share a name. Well, he had your name taken off of the money clip and turned into a necklace for your grandsons second birthday. Your grandson, the opinionated boy he is, refused to wear it, so I wore it for a while. Thank you, the time I wore that necklace is the time I felt you the most. And during that time I felt like I was blessed enough to somehow get to know you the best.
It has been and continues to be an absolute honor being your sons wife and your grandchildren’s mother. I want you to rest easy knowing I’ve got them! I appreciate you continual protection and being there with them when I physically cant. Please know they are all safe and loved! Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to continue to remind them, especially your son, how proud you are of them!
You may be gone; however, you will never be forgotten. Take care of my Angel babies for me please.
I am so sorry for your loss. But what a beautiful letter. I am so sure he is smiling down on you guys and proud of the love you share and the wonderful children you are raising together. Sending lots of love and wishing you and your family a wonderful holiday. xoxoxo
Lauren
I’m so sorry for your loss Al, I think I remember you writing an letter about your Manulo not too long ago. Don’t worry! He is in a great place and you will see him someday. Stay strong I know this journey can be hard but keep your head held high.
So sorry for your loss. What a beautiful letter. I’m glad you all have that necklace to wear and feel closer. Best wishes in the days and months ahead.
This is beautiful, such a memoir to a great person. You did him very well. You’re holding on to his greatness, having his memory live on. Too bad you didn’t get to personally meet him, but as you’ve stated, he’s with you all in spirit and will always be. I’m so glad your husband is honoring his memory with his money clip. Funny the little one…read more
Dear Telina,
This is beautifully and eliquently written! I resognate in numerous spaces within and throughout my life. This is something I can say to an old friend, a parent or family member, a lover and even ones self. This spoke most to myself. Thank you for sharing your words and gift.
Forever, AL Gonzalez
This was actually written like a song, but I felt it was better as both a song and a poem. I love writing things that I can also see too. Thank you for reading it and connecting to it. I wrote this and felt it was speaking about so many things. I appreciate your time.
When I was a baby, I was born into a home where my best friend lived. However hard times made us leave our home and when we moved my best friend ran away. I always yearned for a new best friend but lost hope throughout life.
When I was 30, I found out I was pregnant with my son. It was a world wind of emotions since a few years prior I went through testing that concluded at the time I wouldn’t get pregnant again, and if I did my pregnancy wouldn’t be healthy, would be high risk and may possibly end in a miscarriage. I was filled with joy and fear as well as anxiety. Over the next few weeks my emotions began to ease up until the scariest day.
I was 5 weeks pregnant; I woke up on a normal day to get ready for work and to drop of the kids to school. When I went to the bathroom I noticed some spotting. While my gut told me there was something wrong I shooed the thought away in a hopes it was just my nerves and fear. By the time I arrived at work an hour later I was full blown bleeding, as if I were miscarrying. I went to the hospital where my husband met me.
While waiting on results in the ER, I picked up my phone and scrolled through Facebook to occupy my mind. I found a post about a dog whom loved his food bowl so much he would carry it with him everywhere. I immediately told my husband that I wanted to go and get that dog. By the time we left the hospital, with complete uncertainty as the results of the test showed I wasn’t miscarrying, the pup had been taken to the back to be seen by a vet and wasn’t available for adoption. We had no intention of getting a pet after that.
However, we wanted to see what options were available. We walked up and down each kennel room, dozens of pups jumping and barking, excited to see people outside of the keepers. We had a pup or 2 on the list to meet but none really the perfect fit. We got to the very last kennel room at the very end, the last pup cage laid a very sad pup. While every single dog was loud and making there presence known, this pup did not. He laid on his bed, front paws crossed over one another, head lying atop of his paws. His sad droopy eyes looked up at me, without lifting his head, as if he was thinking “Oh, just another couple to pass me by.”
His energy was one very familiar to me, DEFEAT! I looked at his bio paper, in a sheet protector hanging from his cage by two zip ties. I found out that he had been there for almost a year and he was found roaming around the streets. It was then that I knew I had to at least help him escape the cage he has called home for almost a year, even if for just a few minutes. I looked at him and said “I promise we will see you in the yard.”
This dog was amazing! He knew his name and he was so well behaved. He played with my husband and shortly after I called him. You see earlier in the hospital I was put on pelvic rest until I saw my doc for a follow up. So I sat down the whole visit with this pup. When I called him over he came right to me and laid his big ol head in my lap. He won me over! However, I was on pelvic rest, my husband was gone from 6 AM until 7 PM, Monday through Friday, our children were to small to care for the pup and he was a 90 pound terrier/pit mix. This concerned myself and my husband, we had to see if this was even fair to him.
We saw another pup that was a bit smaller but he was only a year old, still an untrained puppy, where as the other pup was 4 years old and was well trained. We were about to settle with the puppy, his name was Big Hunk. We decided to see how he was with cats since we were possibly going to get one. Big Hunk was not a fan of the first cat because she was afraid of the sight of him and he lunged at her. I did not hold that against him though, we moved onto the kittens and he did great for a pup. But , he just wasn’t the other pup. So we asked for the other pup to be tested with the cats and kittens.
The keeper went back to get him, stood at the entry way for the cats and kittens, looked down at the pup by his side, pet his head and whispered to him, “Make me proud buddy!” Walked by the cats – no reaction. Walked by the kittens and the keeper had to keep redirecting him to the kittens. He would sniff the cages, look at the cages and then look around like “Okay. It’s a cat. What do you want from me?” I was sold! Lets be honest I was sold before I even visited him in the yard. We told the keeper he was the one and we began the process. We got a doggy bed, a water and food bowl, some toys and food to start our new journey with our newest member of the family.
As I stated before I had to follow up with my doc. About a week later we found out that we were still pregnant, but that based on the hormone levels and the presentation of the flow of blood, I was pregnant with twins and lost one. By this time our newest member of the family had already brought so much joy that we didn’t really feel the pain of losing a twin. See that pup, he came into our home and family and fit perfectly like the puzzle piece that had been missing for years. He was protective and playful, he had a bit of anxiety and you could tell he came from a rough place before he found sanctuary in the Humane Society.
He didn’t like arguing and assumed loud speaking was arguing. He was deathly afraid of shoes. I speak with my hands and realized very quickly he was hit often when I caught him flitch every time I moved my hands while speaking near him. We as a family, including our newest addition had to work together to make this our home, our family, and his fur-ever family! It took some time but everything worked out perfectly.
What you may not know is; that pup is YOU! Zeus, you didn’t have the easiest life, despite the fact that I never witnessed it and you could never tell me verbally, I know. But now you are home! You are my first son! You are my best friend! Alysza’s best friend! Bella’s best friend! Jose’s best friend! Papi’s best friend! You add so much love and life to our world! You have given me scares just like all the rest of are kids. But over all you are the best pup any fur-family could ask for!
Life isn’t always kind but when life gives us gifts they are phenomenal. You my Zeusy Boy are phenomenal! You love pizza, he knows the spelling of it and all the forms it comes in, hehe. And you’re a foodie like the rest of us. You’ve eaten a couch and bed out of anxiety, but I would give a million of those things for you, any day! You amuse me by letting me dress you up, he’s been a skeleton, a bumble and a pup going back to school with a book bag. You talk bag and get petty with your sisters. And my most favorite thing about you, that I’ve never had the blessing to experience until you walked into our lives, you hug! Your hugs are literally the best, love filled hugs. Also, your not a lap dog but I’ll never take that from you Thank you for being the best pup ever! And giving all of us the best 3 years of our lives. We cannot wait to spend a million more with you!
Love Always,
Your Fur-Ever Mommy
P.S. To all the readers – Get you a partner that looks at you the way Zeus looks at pizza!
Awww you must know I love dogs. This is so sweet. Zeus sounds absolutely AMAZING. I am so glad he found you and you found him. What a sweet and beautiful letter to your baby boy. -Lauren
I have a similar story to a lost animal and a newfound. We had a rabbit named Todo but he didn’t last till a month. We were deeply saddened that he passed and it was all because the pet store said that we can feed him guinea pig food. After that my older sister had no intent on buying any animals but my little sister found a person selling a…read more
Little one hear my plea!
I know your young;
but work with me
I will make mistakes
I am not perfect
I am in this not alone;
But with you
It’s really just me & you!
I will wipe your tears
I will kiss your booboos
I will be your friend
I will be your foe!
Little one hear my plea!
In this world;
It’s just you & me!
I am going to fall
I will cry
I will jump up and touch the sky!
You are my motive to make every move
You are my reason to go, go, go!
In this world you will see;
It’s just you and me!
One day you wiped my tears and told me;
“Don’t cry, it’ll be okay!”
When I received my High School Diploma you said;
“Good Job Mommy!”
You are my cloud
You are my world
Little one hear my plea!
It’s just you & me!
One day, baby
You will have a broken heart and;
I will be there to wipe your tears
You will fight with friends;
I will give you advice
You will graduate;
I will be there to cheer you on while walking across the stage!
Please little one, hear my plea!
It wont always be just you & me!
One day you will fall in love with someone;
I will give you my blessing
You will get married;
I will walk you down the aisle with joy filled tears in my eyes
One day you will have your own child;
I will be right there to help every step of the way!
But, please little one, hear my plea!
One day,
I will get tired and old;
You will feel weak and helpless
I will grow more weak and brittle;
And you may cry.
Please, little one, hear my plea!
My forewarning about;
You and me.
One day you will cry on my bedside;
I will take my last breath.
You will plan the most tragic event of your life;
But know that I will be standing by your side
You will cry in the arms of your partner;
But know that I am there hugging you
You will feel lost;
But know that I will help guide you
Please, my dear daughter, hear my plea!
It will always be the world against;
You and Me!
My little one hear my last plea!
It will not always be just you and me!
Loved your poem, Al. Your love for your daughter is felt strongly through your words. She’s blessed to have a mom like you who wants to see her do well throughout her life. The part about you getting tired & old is so sad, but it’ll be a reality one day. But hopefully, that part of life is a long way off and you will have lots of great with your…
This is a Haiku about and for my oldest daughter. She is a child of few words, unless she’s comfortable with you. Her 14th birthday is tomorrow and I can remember her birth like it was yeaterday. Im so blessed that she made me a mama. And I am beyond blessed to have her as my biggest baby.
.
Please enjoy.
.
.
Badass Genius Babe.
Never knew what life would be.
But, look at you now!
AL, your daughter is a remarkable and resilient individual. I’m glad she has grown into the person you want her to be, and you are proud to have her as your biggest baby. Happy 2 years belated 14th birthday to her! I’m guessing she’s 16 now!
I use to yearn,
Yearn for this day.
The day,
I get to wipe your tears;
Kissing your booboo’s.
The day,
I surrender to your love;
Getting lost in your snuggles.
Everyone told me,
How great it is;
Having a son.
Your hugs,
Your love,
Your attachment.
However,
Nobody told me..
How amazed I would be,
Amazed by you.
You’re only one,
Yet,
I can feel your excitement,
Excitement for the world.
I watch in awe;
How curious you are,
Curious of your surroundings.
How you discover,
Discover who you are.
I find myself drifting,
Into a world,
A world of,
Just,
You and I;
Daily.
Daily I see,
My uptight personality,
Melting away.
Melted by..
Your mischievous smile.
I can NOT remember,
Those days;
Days of tears,
Tears of fear,
Fear of never sharing.
Sharing life,
With you.
Dear Al,
How lucky you are to know the joys of motherhood. Your little boy sounds so sweet and amazing. I am glad you are taking the time to smell the roses. Your experience with your son will continue to be the highlight of your life. Stay close to him and you will see how he enriches your life in so many ways.
As babies we are programed with nursery rhythms, “1st comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage.” Then as children we go to school and are given unrealistic goals to meet with minimal help. Told that we need to get it all done in preparation for college and the work field. If you want to have children, as your programmed too, then you must go to college. However, in order to go to college, you have to work yourself to the bone studying to guarantee a scholarship, have loaded parents or work and take out loans. Don’t worry once you’ve gotten your degree in your desired field you will have enough debt to owe the government until you die. Good luck staying afloat with all that debt, plus your responsibility to be a spouse and parent. You see in my hometown, the hood if you will, we weren’t the richest and our community had very little funding. So you learn how to survive in school like you do in the outside world.
Where I come from, mental health was “all in your head,” so people didn’t know how to cope. We just learned how to survive, alone and as a community. I’m grateful for my home community, for without them I wouldn’t be where I am today. This action, learning to survive, in the mental health world is a coping mechanism; this helps us adapt to our circumstances, just to go through the motions in life and do what we need to do. To the outside world, this may look like a older sibling stealing food to feed their family, or impulsive behaviors, and it is 100%, adaptability.
As I stated before, I learned how to survive in school. This started after a very traumatizing event happened in second grade. We were instructed to read aloud during reading group time, and I was the 6th student out of 6 students to read. While, my 5 classmates read ahead of me, I focused on ensuring my sentence was perfect, because I wasn’t at a 2nd grade reading level yet. My time came, I read my line and there was a single line left. What I didn’t take into account was that Ms. Grossi was going to demand I read the next sentence too. I began to have, what I now know to be a, panic attack. I slowly and extremely softly began to read the words, sounding them out one by one. I could hear my classmates now making fun of the fact that I couldn’t read. My teacher is standing over me, tapping her foot on the ground, all I can do is try to block out everything and continue. I can feel Ms. Grossi’s impatience growing large enough to fill the room. “Louder please!,” Ms. Grossi shouts just as I get myself out of my own head. I begin reading louder and I’m actually really proud of myself. Until, boom, I’ve hit a word I must sound out.The immense amount of self embarrassment hits me like a 10 foot high wave crashes down on a surfer. Funny thing is, still to this day my brain wont reveal that word to me.
The amount of embarrassment in this moment, makes sounding the word out, out loud, debilitating. Here I am, back under the pressure, trying to get it together; sounding out in my head, over and over and just not getting it. Just then, Ms. Grossi, throws her hands in the air slamming one on the desk as she screams, “Come on Antoinette! My hair isn’t gunna get any grayer!,” it was then that I completely shattered. Even though my mom stood up for me when I told her, it just wasn’t enough. That incident severed a nerve and the damage was unrepairable. This triggered my survival mode in the school world. I managed to even get into all honors classes in 7th grade, by surviving. Do not get me wrong, I had some phenomenal teachers along the way that truly loved and poured into me. They’re apart of that community I expressed gratitude for earlier.
As so many people know, academics are not the only thing children have to survive in the school world. You also have people to survive, and I wasn’t very good at fitting in. I don’t see things like the rest of the world. I see the good in even the most evil. I think the world would be a happier, healthier place if we all loved everything and everybody. I absolutely despise cliques, and everyone whose been to high school knows that is clique central. I was the biggest social butterfly you would have known, I was friends with at least 1 person in every “clique” in high school. But with this care free nature comes an abundance of negative energy or evil eye. I was always bullied in school, someone convinced me to go to a soccer game after school when I was in 6th grade. I went and had a blast but had to be home by a certain time, so I left before the game was even over. As I was leaving, I was jumped by 4 girls and 2 boys. Pinned on the floor, face down being kicked a punched. I ended up with a concussion, a restraining order against the main girl and short a few friends, since they set me up.
In high school, a girl use to follow me home. One day she found out where I worked and showed up to fight me. Of course, I was in uniform and I needed my job to eat and provide for myself, so I couldn’t do anything to her. Then she walked up to me and hit me, if it was not for my manager that may have ended very differently. So you see, between surviving academics, I was on a 1st grade reading level in 9th grade, and surviving bullies, I was done. At 16, after completing my 9th grade year, I decided I was an adult and didn’t have to deal with school anymore. I enrolled and very quickly dropped out of GED classes. However, I did enroll and complete my certification for nail technician and I even got licensed. Didn’t matter though, I didn’t like it and didn’t pursue it. I managed to do all of this before I even turning 17, ha.
At 17, I found out I was pregnant with my oldest daughter. This was everything I ever wanted, to be a mom. I was about 6 months pregnant, on my lunch break, when my hormone enraged brain had an “Oh, crap!,” moment. I dropped out at 16 years old, after completing my 9th grade year, leaving school at a 1st grade reading level. My daughters father whose about 6 years older than myself, dropped out at 15 years old after retaining 7th grade 3 times. I knew for an absolute fact my daughters father couldn’t read, plus I could not read. We are bringing a child into this world, and our job is to teach and guide her. How can we do this if neither of us are even literate enough to read a report card? My neighbor was having a yard sale, she had a box of children’s books. I asked the priced and she said that I could have them for my daughter. Little does this woman know, I bought them to teach myself how to read. Every single night, from that day forward I read. I read out loud, I stumbled and had to search the internet and dictionary for meanings and pronunciations of words, but I read. And every night and even during the day my daughter heard her mommy read to her. My daughter will forever be the blessing of teaching me my strength and endurance to want something. I had never wanted to read nor learn to read, let alone self learn, but I knew she deserved better than that!
In the end, it has really been an essential tool for my life, my growth and my family. Learning to read has been an absolute blessing. I know this was my journey and how it was supposed to play out. Realistically, if I didn’t experience where I came from I wouldn’t know how to be better for the future. And if I didn’t have my experience with this world and my own struggles I wouldn’t be well equip to fight the same system, for my children, that let me slip through the cracks. I can say proudly because I experienced what I experienced in life, I was well over equip for the battles my children have and will continue to face.
I’ve always wanted to be a change, what I didn’t realize is the change would be in me. I didn’t realize 14 years ago, when I became a mother, that what I am here to do is break generational curses within my family. Maybe even help a few people along the way. Don’t let anybody, including yourself, dim the light of your dreams. And always remember; our dreams aren’t always what we expect them to be, rather they are what we are meant to be.
Antoinette!!! This story is incredible. You are amazing. It’s so crazy how the way someone treats you in a moment as a childhood can have such a ripple effect. What strength you have to take it upon yourself to learn to read for your child, and lookout you now!!! Writing like a pro! I am in awe of your strength and your courage. And I am sure…read more
Dear Al,
Reading your story reminds me how important it is for teachers to be positive and caring. I am sorry you had that awful classroom experience but it seems in the end it made you stronger and extremely determined to overcome your difficulty with reading. It sounds like you are a wonderful mother. Good luck to you and your…read more
I am glad that you are able to not let your past affect the future of those around you. that you are able to change your darkness into their light. i wish more people on the earth can find a way to go about this but not everyone is made the same as others so you cant expect much from the human race. continue to shine your diamond on others and be…read more
You are so strong. You had a hard upbringing yet you adapted to survive and that survival instinct stayed within you and honed your skills and developed you as a human being. Thank you for sharing
Lauren, Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, you are completely right. However, Im really good at hiding me from me and people plleasing. This beautiful soul is teaching me, no inspiring and encouraging me to be true to me as a whole. Im learning I can give the world the real me with boundaries and unapologetically at that.
XO,
AL Gonzalez
Kayjah, I am so grateful my piece resonate with you. This particular piece is to the woman in the picture. We are not blood related but we are 100% sisters. She fills me and inspires me daily! She has taught me truely so much more than words can articulate. I like to try and write pieces that will allow others to find inspiration and that resonate with them. I myself find inspiration in pieces formated in that way to help my writing flow. I hope this helps you to write a piece to your beautiful sister!
Love & Light
AL Gonzalez