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  • WINNER: To my older brother, my best friend;

    To my older brother, my best friend;

    I never thought our time together on this Earth would have an expiration date. Losing you has felt more painful than anything I’ve ever had to go through. And you know how much trauma I faced in childhood. You faced it too and that is what made us so close in the first place.

    I find myself rewatching our old home videos, where we were playing with Dad or Easter Egg hunting with our Grammy. It is bittersweet to look back upon these memories and think of how different things could have been. Sometimes I can’t help but wonder, could we have done something different? Could we all somehow have found a way to escape the pain? But I guess that is how life goes, you have to face the pain to find the joy and beauty on the other side.

    I remember when you first told me about your struggles with addiction. How you tried to convince me that there was nothing to worry about, that it was truly only every once in a while and that it felt like a much needed escape from reality. I ran to our parents to alert them, but no one seemed to think there was anything to be done. Maybe they hoped it was a phase that you would pass through. I certainly did. But something in my gut always told me this was a very dangerous road you were walking.

    Growing up with a mother who struggled with addiction left me with a distaste for substances and alcohol. I tried to wear my sobriety like a badge of honor and I hope that never made you feel like you were less than. I hope it never made you feel ashamed. Because I understand the pain that lived inside your mind and body. I understand why you wanted to experiment with ways to make it subside.

    As much as it hurts and as hard as it is to share this publicly, I want to honor you. I want people to know that addiction and experimentation isn’t just some party behavior from reckless and irresponsible kids. Oftentimes it happens when someone is trying to escape the pain that they carry everyday. And even more often, it happens accidentally. It really is true what they say, just one bad day can change the course of your life forever. That was what kept me away, and that was how it got you to stay.

    It was hard to watch your life slip away. To see your bright, funny, sarcastic personality slip into a dark and shadowy place. I hated watching it and I held myself back from our relationship because of it. I wish I could have done more to help you. I wish I could have done more to save you from your methods of trying to save yourself. You weren’t destined for a life riddled with pain and addiction. You could have gotten away from it, if you believed in yourself.

    But when I think of your life, your death, and your absence now, I see things a little differently. You struggled to see the light, to feel the sunshine, to let it sink in. You struggled to feel freedom and bliss. You wanted nothing more than the feeling that you could handle this life. Realizing these things has given me the most amazing gift.

    When I look outside now, I stop and let it all sink in. I stare at the clouds and marvel at their beauty. I touch trees. I hold my cats a little longer. I call Dad more often. I love more deeply and more freely than ever before. I meditate and connect to something profoundly bigger than myself. These are all the gifts you gave me.

    You weren’t able to see the beauty before the pain took over. Losing you taught me to dig deeper before finding the first possible escape route. It taught me to cherish all of the things that you will never again experience. I have to live life for the both of us now and I will do it proudly.

    Not everyday is easy. Some days I am still struck with grief and longing and despair, begging you to come back here and try again. But I believe it all happened for a reason. So I will keep digging my heels in and trying again. When life gets too hard I will remind myself to take a breath, get grounded, center my focus on what is within. Because you believed yourself too weak to heal from the trauma, and you always told me I was strong enough to do it. And here I am, doing it. Healing from it. Growing from it. Learning. And empathizing with why you felt it was easier to give in to an escape that seemed temporary.

    Never again will I take another day on this planet, another breath of this air, for granted. Thank you big brother. Thank you for teaching me the most painfully beautiful lesson of all. I hope you feel nothing but blue skies, freedom, and sunshine on the other side.

    Love,

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