Representation is portrayal, and we are all actors writing and rehearsing scripts. We commit to characters or even just characteristics. We are imposters until we’re able to depict these things effortlessly. With the right amount of practice, passion and intention- representation is an art, it’s powerful. It’s a message we give or a picture we paint. It’s a responsibility that is not to be taken lightly. It requires dedication and integrity because there may be moments where circumstances are unfavorable.

Four years ago, I found myself in a nasty custody battle. I had been physically abused for five years and had finally decided that starting over with nothing was better than staying in a toxic situation. My son was four at the time, and he was terrified. I had accepted my fate, that one day his dad would just kill me. But seeing my son physically shaken and living in fear in his own home is what drove me to leave. He deserved better. I decided I’m not going to be the mom that raises my son in an unhealthy environment just to be able to say we don’t have a broken home. I’m not going to normalize these abusive behaviors and continue the cycle. I am a better mom than that. I will do better.

At our first hearing I wanted to be as fair as possible. I was advised to be fair because the system doesn’t care if you are abused, as long as the child is not abused physically. My mistake was not fighting. My son was terrified when he had to leave with the person that he was supposed to call his father. He was harassed and terrorized and even neglected some days. I went back to court and asked to amend our order. Even with him telling the judge he didn’t want to exercise his parental rights; the judge forced us to continue on with our shared custody. Every other weekend. He made it clear that he did not want to be a parent because I “chose to be a single mom.” As much as I wanted to lose my character, I had to bite my tongue and conform to the systems standard that “every parent has to be involved because they have rights.” See, the system loves to force these standards on us, but they fail to go below the surface. They also don’t enforce them. That’s why one parent can make excuses and owe thousands in child support while the other has to figure it out without missing a beat. That’s why the system thinks an online parenting class is going to give a parent the mental and emotional capacity to raise healthy children. Failing to take advantage of his every other weekend became a consistent blessing, and issue. Sometimes weeks would go by, and our lives would be peaceful. Others, we were harassed by drunken phone calls, aggression and stalking. If I’d let the order be, he had an opening to remain inconsistent and show up whenever he was bored with his life. Claiming he was sorry and that he wanted to “try” to be a good parent. I made the mistake of suggesting things he could do to bond with my son and in his twisted corrupt mind he used that to try and control me. He knew it’d hurt me to have to make excuses for him, because all I wanted was for my son to have two parents. He’d purposely mistreat or ignore my son for attention. He’d tell me, “Well you’re the one who wants me to have a bond with him. Try harder.” Even thinking about it makes me skin crawl. The world is infested with people like this, but I refused to allow my son to carry on that trait.

At our third hearing, I finally lost it. I was representing myself, and my son. I needed to advocate for him and his well-being. He did not deserve to be treated as a game, he is much too important and his health too valuable. Doing my best to hold back tears and keep my vocabulary decent, I told the judge, “You want me to continue to give him chances at being a parent when we have been in and out of this court room for the last year. My son is four, it does not take four years to be an active parent. I don’t get to make excuses, I have primary custody and I do not ever make excuses, nor can I rely on him to assist in anything regarding my son. He is not consistent because he doesn’t care to be. He can deny the abuse all he wants, I’m not here to get justice for myself. I’m here because I have my son’s best interest at heart and it’s clear you do not. All this evidence in front of you is to show you that I have tried. I’m damaging my son in the process and I’m damaging his trust in me because I am who keeps him safe. What kind of a mother would I be to continue to let this go on? He doesn’t care to be a parent, he’s here only to make my life miserable because he’s upset, he no longer has a punching bag. I promise you I will be back here in a few months because this is not a game to me. I will keep coming back because my son is not safe with him, and he is not comfortable. I will not normalize for him to always live in survival mode, paranoid about what is going to happen to him. I will withhold him because I have valid concerns and it’s my right to defend them here in court.”

In every moment, I represented myself and my son. Although I knew that in the judges’ eyes, I represented just another case in family court. I represented “bitter” baby mommas. In that court room, I was a victim that “clearly suffered from delusions and was projecting them onto my son.” I was dramatic, I needed help, I was stupid for being in a relationship like that to begin with. I was another teen parent who didn’t know what the hell to do. And I was not going to let any of those discourage me. I needed to fight because children deserve happy and healthy lives. Thankfully, my argument was taken into consideration, I was granted sole physical custody.

I realize now that my reason for fighting so hard was because I know what it’s like to be a child in a similar situation. I was only a year old when I was removed from my parents and placed in the system. Even years after the adoption was finalized, did anyone care to look into the life of this little girl who had been ripped away from the life she knew? Who didn’t understand why she couldn’t see her mommy and daddy every day? Sure, they investigated to make sure the new home would be safe. It looked good on paper, roof over my head, clean clothes, three meals. There is so much more that goes into raising a child. Especially a child that has been through something traumatic. You would think that mandatory parenting classes and therapy would have been a part of the adoption process. But the system only cared for their numbers. Place a child in a home and you can sleep better at night. Never mind the trauma or the child’s mental/emotional needs. It’s almost as if the system is made up of people who have never successfully raised a child. I hope I’ve explained well without going too much into detail. I hope you can understand who and what I was representing. I hope there are others out there who advocate for children, who have integrity and don’t treat children’s lives as a game.