So,
today I take my first extended walk
in my new neighborhood.
Along with fabulous loose-fitting pants & shirt
of upper-upper-middle age,
I am wearing one of those corporate sacs
offered at mandatory trainings I still attend
to support & enhance the skillsets I have & need
to keep the licenses I have & need
that support my house/car/insurance payments
& the demi-wildish lifestyle
of an intermittently aging hippie
who wants to keep working in the barren fields
of drugs and mental roadblocks
and to nourish her optimistic genes
as she attempts to keep hope & humor genes alive
so others can live weller, as she has
owning some of that history.
I love the bags. Groceries. Books.
Clothes for Goodwill or road trips.
I recognize this rehab emblem.
I have never been there so far,
even for a class. One can only hope.
Anyhow, the bags help me keep my car neat
or file papers I’m not sure about filing
in real-time-space,
and they’re wonderful if/when one has to move.
Always ready for a next time.
Downsize. I think I hate that word
but I’m good at it.

New neighborhoods,
like some new age numbers
mean change. Big ones.
Sometimes Loss.
Choose and throw.
Choose.
Throw.
And storage might need to be introduced.
Or more trash buckets.
And creative-use-of-less
becomes a skillset that earns
ice cream and or fig newtons,
always age appropriate.

I can’t drive today:
one tire has a nail in it and that garish
yellow emergency light goes on if I try,
which spoils any sense of comfort,
and it’s New Year’s Day,
so guess what’s open in a town as big my hand?
Yes, nothing.
So, I am taking a new-neighborhood walkathon
during which I notice I have an odd walk
which I blame on my left hip and leg
which seem to have lives of their own lately.
The hocus-pocus-body-folks would say
my inner Valkyrie female nature is
struggling/stuck/angry,
and it’s time for me to put down my shield and sword
and soak among Epsom salts and soft music
and allow what is nature to be nature.
My inner three-year-old,
who really runs the show is pouty,
and I am reminded that growth
& change happen,
no matter what.
Fig Newtons. Ice Cream.
Always appropriate.

Anyhow,
I realize I walk side-to-side like the local girl
who has the alt mind-set
which she announces at times, in intervals.
We know her and take care of her
(at a safe distance of course).
Sometimes,
she pulls or pushes a multi-purpose grocery cart
as she chatters to who-knows-who.
What is being said by her or heard by her
we are not clear about.
She doesn’t look at any of us. Ever.
Through, around, but never at.
Sometimes she has those big dark glasses on,
the ones used for eye tests.
Like mine.
Is that what people see
when they look at me?

She walks and rolls from side to side,
her feet tilted inward,
so her toes nearly meet.
No one ever wants to be in her way,
although we are not sure she sees us.
She does see something though;
that we know.
She takes right of way.
Local drivers know her; others
figure it out, fast.
That’s how I “met” her.
Coming out of Winn Dixie parking lot.
She walks carefully
through marked parking lot spaces,
always within the lines.
I am impressed with her sense of being.
We do not matter. Also, we behave.
So, is what it takes to survive these times?
I shall keep my odd walk
and see what happens.
I will apply the dark glasses,
the kind used for eye tests.
The big ones.
We shall see.
(That would be I and my psyche.)
A man walked towards me today,
near the turn circle in the new neighborhood,
and smiled, as if to talk. I smiled.
He walked into the park instead.
I suspect it was the glasses.
I might be too oldish.
For what I wondered.

I put the four books
stashed in my impressive green bag
into one of the two neighborhood
donation library boxes
after I checked to see what was inside –
my give-away books
were better than all the rest.
Nothing for me to take away. Today.
This life continues to offer lessons.
Good.
I am still open to change.
Fig Newtons apply.

Surrounded by fluffy white sheets, your soft resting face in our pillows, I soften into myself as I touch your skin and memorize the curves of your face.

I love our genuine embrace and the growth we share in our struggle to shape shift into the people we want to be individually, together and forever.

We spend our days molding ourselves through education, growth spurts and learning curves.

We are not able to see the light of our hard work just yet so we collapse into each other, surrounded by white pillows and fluffy white sheets.

We could let the whole world burn around us as we look into each other’s eyes and know that we belong together.

Let our struggles be chased and conquered as we morph into lions racing through these massive jungle-like circumstances only to retreat to our den when the day is done.

As long as we can rest together in the solace of our love when the run is over, the race doesn’t feel as hard to make.

Those sheets hold our bodies as we struggle to regain our strength in becoming.

We seek solace in each other’s skin with words of encouragement.

We seek each other’s hearts in our dreams as we dream awake, fighting to check all the boxes.

Side by side, day by day, together or apart, I wouldn’t trade these days because at least we are trying and thriving.

The hours we spend dreaming of who we want to become blend into our love as we seek each other’s embrace while we dream of bigger lives beyond the shapes we shift into.

New shapes and scapes are spoken into existence when our bodies are restless for more.

We shape shift into each other and give oxygen to our dreams by the touch of our melding skin.

I wouldn’t change these days because they keep us alive, seeking change without a name, just dreams in our minds eye wishing to come alive between fluffy pillows and big white sheets.

As We Climb

As we climb, no one really knows what’s on our minds

As we climb, we are not sure along the way what we’ll find

As we climb, the path ahead, it can be a little blurry

As we climb, let’s make sure we don’t grow to worry

As we climb, we know that everything takes time

As we climb, try to keep that in mind

As we climb, there needs to be a passion inside

As we climb, burn with the blaze and drive of an iron side

As we climb, we develop a grace and elegance of royalty

As we climb, continually stoking the fire in our belly as if out of self-loyalty

As we climb, we can proclaim
we will take back our strength
we will take back our worth
we will take back our power

And as we climb, we will show the world the true meaning of a survivor

I could use somebody
Not for a moment in time someone who’s all mine
you know they’d have to be pretty divine
a being in search of their highest self

you know spiritually inclined not just running around here low level with a dirty mind

But I need them truly concerned with elevating and transcending that little thing that you all consider time

Your avatar t doesn’t matter I’m concerned about the here and the there after
I called that our spiritual chapter

So the question is can you hold my hand , when I’m not me….
when I’m slaying my pain but still riddled with those things called grief and anxiety

When those emotional pain hits my gut
So bad bad they don’t wanna stay inside of me so I throw them up

but all I need you to do is be there
maybe hold my hair
just exist with no twist of your arm no red flags and no
Alarms

just long loving arms
Of spiritual devotion to the laws of the universe
I manifested this with my 123 love potion

Now guide this twin flame on it’s love ocean

A goddess love requires devotion and that’s to the ancestors of love/light to honor them you should do it well and treat me right

And if you do I’ll make sure I give you some like every other night

because the reality is… I could use somebody
somebody not to use me
but just to be…with me

And that’s on TruSpit

The Next Season (By Lisa Leslie)

The flowers are
slowly
waking up.
Their petals bloom
unapologetically.

As the gloominess of late winter fades,
a brighter landscape emerges.

My heart is
broken
in several places, but
hope rises,
bringing a promise
that it will piece itself
back together
in time.

My heart is
naked
like the trees
when they shed their leaves
in preparation for a long winter.

There’s no hiding
the shape I’m in.
But then,
deception
is the cause of my current state.

To embrace and allow
vulnerability,
humility, and
raw emotion
to flow from me
freely
is the only way
to begin
growing
and building
stronger roots.

When the cold air
returns
and the trees let their
costumes fall,
I will stand
taller,
and live
fearlessly—
knowing I’ve taken the time to heal,
ready
to take on whatever the next season brings.

FORK IN THE ROAD©️2014

There in the midst of my journey, I see a two way street.
There is the road less traveled that is speaking to me.
It is filled with hardship, struggle, and pain.
It echos softly what sounds like my name.
It knows of my tears, lies, and complaints.
It knows that I can make it, even when my mind says I can’t.
It roots and cheers for me to give it a try.
And not to be distracted by the wilderness, but look forward to the promise of the other side.

The other path intervenes with its master plan.
To convince me to walk down this more pleasing land.
After all, everyone wants the easy way out.
Who wants to get caught up in the confusion and doubt?
The sky is blue and the birds are singing their high pitched song.
With all that sunshine, how can it be wrong?
As I stand there at the fork trying to decide,
A voice speaks to me assuring and kind.

Nothing worth fighting for came tied in a bow.
I appreciate every lesson that gives me the opportunity to grow.
Yes to the left, it’s full of illusions of gold and jewels.
All that glitters isn’t gold, so do not be so easily fooled.
The road less traveled has less steps to take, even though there are more hills to climb.
Because when I take this path, I began traveling with the Ultimate Guide.
He will move those mountains and twine when I show Him my seed of faith.
And when I feel weak and broken, He’ll carry me most of the way.

So I picked up my baggage and chose the trail of my destiny.
The voice returned and commanded that I drop those burdens at His feet.
There is only one requirement before we travel that I must meet.
I cannot carry the loads of my past because He’s already forgotten and forgiven thee.
Tears rolled down, as I noticed why I was so weary.
All the loads of hurt and anger I carried, I could’ve been released.
The reason that path had been less traveled was because not many realized that they held the Master’s key.
The first step that truly mattered began when I forgave me.

In this chapter of my life
I love that I am learning to dance in the rain
In this chapter of my life
I love that I am learning myself again
In this chapter of my life
I love that I’m realizing I’m still fiercely brave
In this chapter of my life
I love that each day reveals to me that I am truly, uniquely and wonderfully made
In this chapter of my life
I take each day as it comes
In this chapter of my life
The chest crushing stress, I’m learning not to succumb
In this chapter of my life
I love that I let myself cry
In this chapter of my life
I love that I spend less time wondering why
In this chapter of my life
I love how God is loving and keeping me
In this chapter of my life
I love that I am free
Free to be me authentically
Free to explore
Freedom–ahhh–freedom
I’m free indeed
In this chapter of my life
I love discovering that I can and will win again
In this chapter of my life
I love re-realizing that each new beginning starts with a necessary end
In this chapter of my life
I love that I’m taking care of me
In this chapter of my life
I love the way I continue to conquer the inner-me
In this chapter of life
I love my mindset, daily habits, and surroundings
In this chapter of my life
I’m so glad that happiness has found me
In this chapter of my life
Hope and faith greets me with each new day
In this new chapter of my life
I love that I’m finding my way

Through my lifelong observations of the human experience, encompassing its trials, setbacks, and triumphs, and drawing wisdom from some of the world’s greatest minds—from Cesar Chavez’s struggles on California farmlands to Nietzsche’s contemplations in the Swiss Alps on the concept of God, from Shakespeare’s portrayal of human frailty to the works of the poet Baidel exploring humility’s vast pastures, and contemplating Albert Camus’ existential reflections—I was inspired to write a poem.

Painting Colorless Colors

Poem: By Alexander Siddiqui

At the outset, we stride into the boundless expanse of philosophical exploration,
Where theories bloom like constellations in the night.

Within the shadows of intellectual toil and the intricate weave of scholarly discourse,
Empathy often remains a gem obscured, awaiting revelation,
Veiled within the labyrinth of the mind’s sight.

Yet amidst the cosmic ensemble of ideas,
A guardian-like supernova emerges, casting its gleaming light,
A beacon of truth in the enveloping darkness,
A shimmering fabric of humanity woven with threads of enlightenment.

It reminds us that genuine connection with others
Resonates like harmonious notes,
A delicate melody in the heart,
A perfect symphony of souls in the divine orchestra of existence.

Approach each encounter as a celestial journey,
Navigating galaxies of cognition and perception,
Where understanding serves as a guiding pulsar,
Illuminating the path through the cadence of introspection,
A heavenly compass pilgrimaging the astral seas.

Conquer the hypotheses, elevate the strategies, and refine the techniques
Yet as we sketch life’s grand canvas,
Handle them with the grace of an artist’s brush,
For in the delicate art of touching souls,
We must paint with the palette of humility and kindness,
Our hands guided by the constellations of empathy and compassion,
Painting colorless colors of humanity.

You’re perfect, my kind of perfect
Especially when we peck lips for a kiss
Feeling the intimacy with your gentle touch
It makes me feel so complete, whole, and alive
Just as if nothing was wrong and all my worries disappeared
You can hypnotize me with your gorgeous eyes
Or with the words you speak from your mouth
Either way, you make me forget of life’s hardships
And create a bubble like it’s only you and me
Within the current moment of Father Time
You can be a cute geek without the perfect tone body
Hate the way you laugh loud or have too much body hair
Either way, I’ll still love you just the same
Because the way you look, mmm, I can’t get enough
You can charm me with a big, adorable smile on your face
Become such a gentleman and a total romantic
Or even say I look beautiful when I think I’m a mess
Either way, I’ll fall for it everyday, every time, and anywhere
Because your smile and personality is out of this world
You can make mistakes and mess up like everyone else
Or accidentally say the wrong thing to hurt some feelings
Either way darling, no one is perfect on this earth
But no matter what, somehow and someway
You are my kind of perfect and always have been
Since the very first day that we met and fell in love
There’s so many ways to describe and say
Of just how perfect you are in my hazel eyes
I hope you can see it and believe it to be true
Because there’s simply no one else that can replace you
You are a one of a kind, my love, a one of a kind

Everything looks to me with importance
the music did not make me want to dance
the sun in the summer
did not give me heat
the flowers
had no scent
my journey
had no beginning

my eyes did not shine with happiness
even though laughter is to be heard
from angels playing ahead
my heart cries golden tear drops
I pray to god to find me love
I found meaning to life
the music brought memories
the sun gave me light to my journey
in which I must go in life
the flowers refreshed my spirit
laughter came from my mouth
I pray
I pray to god to find me love.

People may see the contract
But not the contractions of wearing my heart on my sleeve
That now fits like a glove.
I’m striving to heal generations through self-love.
I’m choosing faith over fear and hope over hurt
For my heart to swell with laughter, love, and joy.
No longer afraid of the spaces, holes, and voids.

My positive vibes increase the vibration of others around me,
Beating to the sound of my own drum.
Each new day I live is a new beginning I’m open to experiencing
Turning my deepest secrets into my greatest superpowers,
Empowers me to release what no longer serves me
So I can serve myself flowers while I can still smell them.

Before I die,
I pray that my story will be someone else’s survival guide.
A Hummingbird beauty.
Someone’s call of duty to find love to heal again
And a love letter to that person that’s been laying in bed
And hasn’t seen beyond the four corners of their room in days
I pray that they will finally experience what solace looks and feels like.
I once heard that love is what healing sounds like.

The chapter of life that I love
is living all the way then going above
Life before death is the way to go
Is there another way to do it, I don’t know
I cannot explain why I love it so much
But living happily is to die as such
Happy or not, though, the life is good
Almost anyone could have it, I know they could

In the bloom of youth, we tread a path unsure,
Early twenties, where dreams and doubts endure.
With passion ablaze and aspirations high,
We chase dream that we hope take flight.

Through freedom, we find our stride,
Exploring the world, with nothing to hide.
Yet shadows linger, whispers of the past,
Reminders of moments too fleeting to last.

In this chapter of life, a tale unfolds,
Of lessons learned, and stories yet untold.
We stumble, we rise, in this journey we roam,
In our early twenties, we seek our home.

So embrace the chaos, the laughter, and tears,
For in this moment, we conquer our fears.
In the canvas of youth, let our colors unfurl,
In the canvas of youth, let’s paint our world.

My Dearest Frightened Inner Child and My Courageous Present Self,

You are warmly invited to your much awaited, Refuge.
For You have been Rescued.
Welcome to Safety and Stability.
Where You are Considered, befittingly.

No! You are not an Outcast.
Once You get past that, You will see –
You are a wondrous Art of Kintsugi.
Cracks here, Cracks there.
Repair: A process – Handled with Care.

Look out My Dear, as this will be Bittersweet.
What an overwhelming feeling to feel – Oh So Complete!
You are now in two places as One.
Sunlight piercing through Dark clouds – Stay a little longer…
A missed Childhood –
I promise to make it Fun!
Forever Evolving and Growing
You’ll Always be My Number One!

Together We Heal,

Our Guardian Warrior

I see you looking-heading my way
thinking about what it is you want to say.
It’s so interesting to be in this place.
Not wanting or needing attention,
your approval,
your love-
unwilling to participate in the chase.
I feel full, no need for a second helping…
I’m good.
No really, I’m good.

Not your money, your resources, or your name—
a woman of my means?
Sir, in that arena,
you and I are the same.
It seems as though you came to offer me your cape,
and it offends you to see that I’m not waiting for you
to have my life take shape.

The man who has me- loves without control,
contributes to my thinking,
my being, my purpose, my soul.
He lets me in, knows when to let me guide,
supports my ambition and desires;
taking any losses in stride.
He’s my person because he tends to my heart,
there are no conditions or ego- yeah, THAT part.
How he leads allows me to maintain feminine energy-
together we pursue joy,
since happy is my responsibility.
To put it plainly:
I choose to love him, and he chooses to love me.
So, I’m good.

I stare at a blank doc
The line blinks at me, teasing me
Taunting me
Daring me
Daunting me

A heavy sigh escapes me
And warm arms wrap to embrace me

I’ll write something amazing, he tells me
And i find it in my heart to believe
Not in myself, not yet,
But in the version of me he sees

My brow furrows
And i begin to type
As he smiles into my shoulder,
Fighting not to say he was right

I close the laptop
Set it off of the bed
And rest comfortably, listening
To the heartbeat in his chest

For this is where i am most content

But content does not begin to cover
The comfort and safety
Being under these covers

Content does not quite express
How unafraid i am
Here, on his chest

I stare at a blank doc
A prompt heavy on my mind
And all i can think of
Is his eyes

A letter to myself
Grabbing an old book off the shelf.
Starting a new chapter
To help me see.
What I’ve been through
Yes Indeed!
Showing the wounds
Of my inner child
Adding a new chapter to help me smile.
Showing my affliction
Of bipolar disease
After twenty years of hurting
I’m being set free.
In the hospital in and out
Finding the answers
Of what it’s all about.
Looking for answers
Through food and ice cream
Coping with bipolar
And what it means.
Taking medication to help me grow
Saying, “Why me” I did not know.
Finding answers to my depression
Was my victory.
Extending my life and
Escaping the mind
Finding hope and answers to a certain degree.
This was a sign.
That I can be “normal”
In this world, I CAN SHINE!
In my mind there is a tunnel
A mother of two
Seeing the light at each end
They have grown so much
I give them what I can
Of a mother’s touch.
Escaping my mind
And never married
This was another load I always carried.
Living this chapter of love and happiness
Living this chapter of not being depressed.
Wanting to help others as an employee
As a companion for those in need.
Highs and lows
Of mental stability
Finding love is the key.
I’m beating bipolar again and again
From doctors and lawyers
Finding the right medicine.
I escape the highs and lows
And depending on others
Like mountains and valleys
Wanting to do better as a devoted mother.
Yes, defeating bipolar
I do not cry.
Defeating bipolar
Is what I say inside
To myself I will not lie.
This is a new chapter just for me
Doing much better
In time I shall see.

Oh what a time,
a time of curiosity
letting your hair fall differently each day
passionate words drifting from your soul
Into this world of constant stimulation
Hoping that you will bring a light to the minds of those who live in the dark

You are shining so brightly
Being yourself looks really good on you
You are growing and evolving
Becoming a woman of the divine
Allowing the simple pleasures of life
to bring light and joy to your heart inside

I love the way you laugh,
And share your love with others
You are truly so caring
You are learning to love
Letting your heart fill with joy
as well as the tears and the sadness
and the pain of all the years before

My love you are so strong
you forever stand tall
As you know you are made
To bring so much more

To the people around
Who wondrously wander
Hoping something will catch their eye
You are here to remind them
That their fire lies inside

Oh my love, my admiration for you runs high
A pure soul that never seems to dry
Keep shining your light
And just know
that your fire lies inside