Title: Windows to Heaven
Author: Kai Silvera
————————

Have you ever looked into the eyes of a baby?
It’s like looking through the windows to heaven,
free and immune from anything dark.
I stare into my son’s eyes as he latches onto me.

Dinner is done.
I’ve wrapped a plate in the fridge.
I don’t recall leaving a little note this time.
My son continues to feed,
when suddenly the house gets tense,
like it could sense the next thing coming.
He storms in, ignoring my attempt to casually say:
“Hey, how was your day?”.

He walks past the tiny kitchen
into the living room,
and without a single word exchanged,
I could tell how far gone he was.
His hand touches my cheek
in the way your mother warns you about.
The kind of touch that stings
and sends your head in the opposite direction
of your feet.

I stand still,
stare back
into those beautiful windows to heaven
and try to make my next move strategic,
as if such a thing is possible in a cloud of rage.
You find yourself reassuring him that you’re just
“going into the bedroom to finish feeding the baby”.

He follows,
and you try to diffuse the situation,
but he has no windows to heaven.
Instead he has dark tunnels now,
that fuel the demons in which his tortured soul battles with every day.

And just as you pray for the storm to settle,
the room becomes smaller and smaller
with objects flying all around.
Gravity seems to slow down,
and you ask yourself: “how in the world did I get here?”

You think of those stories about moms
lifting the car to save their child,
and you stretch your five foot frame
as wide as humanly possible
to shield your angel from the dark.
The dark you never saw coming,
The dark you run from, weeks later,
when he’s at work.

You pack two black garbage bags
worth of clothes,
one for you
and one for the kids.
You travel just shy of a 100 miles
to a foreign town
with familiar, loving faces
and start over.
You take on a new life.
You take back the reins.
You feed your babies
so much love
to make up for any void.
You show them it’s okay
to reinvent yourself,
to save yourself,
to start over,
again and again,
as long as it takes you closer
to where you belong.

You make a home built on love,
a place where the windows to heaven
are never closed,
only enlightened and encouraged
to continue spreading the light.

Photo context:
Immediately after writing this today, I drove to get my daughter from school and this was the view. Felt symbolic, affirming.

Thank you for your consideration. This piece came to me within 20 minutes – apparently it needed to be released on the page. Thank you for letting me share the most vulnerable time of my life with you. Grateful for this new chapter.

All the best,
Kai

in my 45th year
not knowing where I was going
the road just led me lawlessly
i wanted the wide and easy path,
to blend and be found
not knowing where I was going
i was pale versions of me
brokenness was hard to shift through
so much easier to just change my skin
become someone who walks away versus stays and wins
never been someone to take a stand
never envisioned myself a winner
always been the girl in the corner trying to be seen
then one day
everything changed
broken and shipwrecked
alone
in a row of strangers
i heard a call on my life
like a lighthouse to the ship so cliché
that’s how He found me
in my tears I heard Him
“Stop being blind. Take a stand. Seek life. You only have this chance…
to understand.”
He called me home
my heart knew where my mind should be anchored
focus is on His word
my constant
the God who gives grace
the truest friend Ive always longed for
the greatest Father to this lost daughter
in this new chapter of where I’m going
i see everything now
through the eyes
of a saved life
the little girl is free
she is who God chose her to be.
in her 46th year

I’m actually running out of things to say
Is something I’d never say
Not now or anyday
But anyways
I been holding this in for many days
See the heart works in many ways
This blur in my mind ain’t just any phase
Nd we all on go we not running any plays
But I’m honestly tired been stressing many days
Like what if I never find someone that stays?
What if I never have a good job that pays?
What if a crack addict attacked me with a bag of lays?
These are just some that in my mind conveys
But unlike others I see through the fog
I got all of the Courage like the cowardly dog
Believe me even if you can’t see far
You’ll always have yourself and your a star ⭐️

At the surprising age of 31,
I sit in my sunroom, leaned back against my new chair at my old desk
(The desk I found, when I was just 11)
It is 9am and I have class
As I settle in to the second course of my new future I look up to the late morning sun spilling through the east window
I see my dear friend, my roommate Brinlee, sitting beside my plants
Her own laptop and notebooks sprawled out around her
We are taking on this new future together
Call us co-creators
We are just a minute late back from break, the decaf coffee she started in the french press still brewing
As she turns and begins to slowly ground
(the coffee that is) (our grounding is more or less sporadic)
I breath in the deep, rich scent
Here in this sun soaked room in early spring the smell hits me bitter-sweet
No, I’m sorry I don’t mean melancholy
I simply mean the coffee, bitter-sweet
All of a sudden I am five years old, alongside my sister Lindsay
We are small and quiet and standing in the kitchen of our favorite next door neighbor, Marnie
She is tall with long blonde hair and earth-tan skin
She holds the air of a woman I have never seen before
She is nice, she offers us Peach-Os, pouring herself another cup of coffee
Even now I remember that smell in that kitchen
Like April sun touching earth in a deep amber stove
I look up, up, up past her blonde halo to see the many wine bottles along the shelf
The coffee, the wine, the tank top she is wearing, the boyfriend still asleep in her bed
I have been told I should be afraid of these things.
But there is something not yet tangible stirring inside of me
Like the way it feels to close your eyes and listen, right up next to a honey bee
Or the way the light cuts along water ripples, making real life sparkles
dancing
mesmerizing
In this brief moment of memory, the light along the waves and the hum of the bee near my cheek returns
This time with a sort of knowing
I take in the scene again in front of me and realize in a start of gratitude where I sit now
What I hold now
The air of woman who, at the surprising age of 31
Is living with her best friend
And tending to her plants
A woman who is putting on a tank top and walking back to her desk
in a room full of light and art and books and letters and
the smell of coffee
You could say it is a simple thing but,
I still, find it quite surprising

There You are Again.

What can I say about this journey? A journey already taken and awakened by energy before me. A journey I didn’t count on, I had a different plight . With no consistency no boundaries and a purpose I thought had no purpose. So purposely I created a purpose. I did my manifestation as I waited to be awakened, By some form of Love that was often forsaken lied mostly adjacent and kept me in places with multiple faces. I digress! I stayed. I risked myself and my senses. I was totaled by life my soul was not dented! I immediately resented the life I was gifted. Fermented my powers in things I can’t mention. So what’s the intention? To live with out mention or die from suspension it’s crossed my mind. But my mind didn’t listen the voices persistent. I was 20 years into my plight. This is me reminiscing!

As my journey continued, I found solace in self, And I reached out for help. No longer insecure of the cards I was dealt. I immediately felt healed. Not revived not renewed! Healed. When you lose you in others my fathers passing gave me a brother. After 43 years we now had each other. We laugh and we love it’s so pure to know myself through his eyes. They say it’s on the sparrow. But you’d be surprised. He gave me the strength to love me again because I can do all things, that’s how I knew I would win. Where I am now the days make more sense the time is daily. I stay in present tense. Love conquers me because I conquered love. Love of Self, Love of Self -Love of Self

I am growing in places I didn’t even know was possible. Where I am from, people often get stuck. Mentally, financially or in whatever way possible. Stuck in time so much that people that know them from five years ago and people that know them from today know the same version of them. These people often repeat the same rhetoric: I am who I am. My biggest fear is being stuck. I have an amazing corporate job working for a technology company, but I want more. I have three degrees, but I want more. I crave progression in my life to a point that these thoughts invade my dreams. I don’t aspire to work up the ladder at the same job for twenty years or to stay at a job for the benefits and 401k. I don’t care about which insurance is offered or what discounts I can get through the company. I want more. I need more. I am meant for more. I love that in this chapter of my life I am not confined by my environment. I love that I am slowly breaking out of my shell. I will not lie and say I am not terrified to take that step. But what I know for certain is that I am not alone. The person that I was five years ago was too scared to walk, with goals that didn’t align with my soul. Now I am walking with God towards my purpose, open and ready to be molded into the person that I am meant to be – the person that lives in my dreams. I have grown from where I was and I refuse to walk backwards. I am who I am, but I am constantly getting better.

Dear Unsealed
Today I look forward to my life.
This decade I am 74 years old.
Not sure but had lots of strife.
So, I have been told.
I can say today,
As I relay or dream night and day
Of younger days and love and heartache
Of give and take,
This decade of clicking the box,
That says 70 +,
Such a fuss.
I am an elder with wisdom,
About life and love,
But somehow remain strong,
With reason and rhyme
Of space and time.
This is a time when I should have respect
From kid, grandkids, but
It does not always happen as I have kept.
Moving forward with time
Books and computers all that
I read, listen to music, write and all that.
This period in my life
I look back at relationships,
Loves, marching for equality for all,
And the concept of my fight for humanity
Love, peace, and light,
Are still not understood by certain people in my life.
I thought by this time
With reason and rhyme
They would understand my strife,
To create peace and love
Blessed from up above.
However, this is not so with certain people
But now I am old
I continue to be strong and bold.
I toss specks of salt
Over my right shoulder and left shoulder
To send peace to all
As I recall
Without humanitarians as I am
To tell folks it’s okay
Today
Tomorrow
Any day
I am to adventure to say
I do it my way
You do it your way.
I live one day at a time,
One moment at a time
Of reason and rhyme.
At 74 years old
I am still for peace and love,
Despite the folks who shut me down
All around town
I am woman.
Here me roar!
I have been down there on the floor,
Still an embryo
But I will be strong, progressive,
To move forward in time
With reason and rhyme
I am considered to be an old lady.
I can dye my hair pink.
Or gold or red.
Or whatever I choose,
Its okay today

Pending transactions, exemplified male tractions. I hold these truths to be self-evident, that I am the truth, the light, and the way. Mockery of self-gratification interrupts sensory.
Sensory of convenience and stride, that pimped out momentum of pride. I have no doubt, that I can love me, forever, rings in the echoed frustrations of potential.
Potent aids of expectations and security breaches. Unfiltered predictions and passed down sorrows and frictions. Demands of freedom on guard. Stagnant states of undreamt forward movement, projections of enduring.
Endurance of setbacks and pain forgotten, for within victory I’m plotting. Plotting up a role beyond my own initiative. Do not expect less cause in this chapter, I announce recess. Air Bourne opinions, shape shifting emotional bonds and irrelevant feelings.
Irrelevant feelings of acceptance and assurance for God is my rock. On a need-to-know basis redirects traffic, for I am the moderator, the innovator, and the headliner. I am the chapter.

Telisha L Dennis
Saturday-4/20/2024

Dear Heather,
I have witnessed many heartaches and traumatic experiences in your life and still have to say thank you. Thank you for never giving in or giving up, you’re stronger than your circumstances and your worry. Death has tried to have you and has taken many that you loved dearly, but you have endured it all, beautifully. You still remain grateful and chose to spread love and joy to others everyday. Those constant whispers of despair, uncertainty and reminders of your past only motivate you to remain strong. Your vulnerability has never been your weakness, it’s always been your superpower and you’ve chosen to use that to help others in their time of need. I’m proud of you and you are exactly where and who you need to be and your life has purpose. Your are worth more than your mistakes, your mess has become your message and your tests in life is your testimony. Be happy, be strong and always be YOU!
Love, Me

Love, Im loving me
Done been through the rain and storms
the whirling roller coasters with loopty loops
making it out time and time again
im loving me

i’ve lost so much, including people I love
pushing through to make it for my kids
to make it for my husband
to make it for myself
Im loving me

Im loving me so much
that I am enjoying every aspect of my life
and I look forward to overcoming these..
trials and tribulations set to make me stronger
because without them, i’d be weak
im so loving me

every time life happens
my heart shatters just a bit more
and every single time the pieces hit the floor
I pick up the shards and put them back together
because yes
I am so loving me

You see without the love I have for me
I can’t love anything or anyone else
We don’t know love
unless we love ourselves
so without the love I have for me
I’d not know or have any for anyone
so im lovin me

in this crazy world we live in
the things people go through
love is the only thing I can give them
and I need to love me too

“You can’t skip chapters that’s not how life works. You have to read every line meet every character. You will not enjoy all of it. Hell, some chapters will make you cry for weeks. You will read things you don’t want to read, you will have moments where you don’t want the pages to end. But you have to keep going. Stories keep the world revolving. Live yours, don’t miss out.”(Pillow Thoughts II). Life is like a book. Some chapters are sad, some are happy and some are exciting, but if you never turn the page, you will never know what the next chapter has in store for you. Treat me like your favorite book. And stroke my spine delicately. Remember my tiny details. And all your favorite parts. Read me again and again and fall in love with my story. I will not lose my worth in a spirit of a curse. I’m not afraid to break free from this pathetic message in the bottom of a weary verse. I’m tired of trying, it’s time to reverse.

I’m weary of life but I won’t miss a single line
Through the ups and downs, tired but never giving up. Fighting through the darkness, I won’t let life interrupt. Dreams fuel my fire, life’s interruptions won’t make me tire. I’ll soar above the chaos, won’t let life’s script be ruptured. Peace is a part of my soul and it’s a matter of conduct. Allow yourself to be so focused on living in peace, getting paid, and walking in purpose that you have no time to worry about people pleasing, pettiness, or irrelevant opinions. This is the part of my life where I silently remove myself from anyone who hurts me more than they love me, drains me more than they replenish me brings me more stress than they do peace and tries to stunt my growth rather than clap for it.” “I think that I have done more than enough talking and trying to make things work with certain people.” “I’m done.” -KL’s Page. It’s not about ego. Once I feel ignored or unwanted I distance myself silently. I’ll remove myself before I allow anger to consume me ever again. I like to love. I like to laugh. I like to be happy. So if I gotta distance myself to keep things that way, I will. Distance is what I usually appreciated and what I believe in. It makes the heart grow fonder. If cutting me off helps you in any way, I support it. It’s okay to walk away because they kept failing to listen. It’s okay to walk away when the excuses are far greater than the effort. It’s okay to walk away when the behavior has stayed the same, and the idea of change is just manipulation. It’s okay to walk away when they stop trying on purpose, while purposely denying. It’s okay to walk away when you’ve done everything you can to make things work and the result leaves you back where you started. I’ll soar like a comet, leaving old wounds departed. I won’t be broken, it’s time for me to be whole-hearted.

Because I am not ashamed of what I am
See that I avoid a chance and it gets hard to see my face when I see that I’ll shine brighter, being unleashed and uncharted. “After a while, I got tired of chasing after you.”“You made things so hard that I could never catch up.” “I was trying to force something that wasn’t there.” “It felt like I was begging for you to reciprocate the love I was giving when in reality, you never felt the same way I did.” “That’s when it clicked- could no longer beg you to love me or give me the attention I desired.” “So I took myself out of the equation, closed that chapter of my life, and started a new one.” “It was time for me to find the true love of my life that I had lost in the process of loving you.” -KL’s Page. The worst pain is having no contact with the person you’re still in love with, who at one point of time, sent you texts that would make your heart melt. And now, you can only love them in silence from a distance. Slowly being forced to close a chapter you never wanted to end. When someone hurts you, and then avoids you, that’s a clear sign that they know they messed up. not only do they know, but they’re uncomfortable with the fact that they did. They can’t even face themselves and their own behavior. don’t wait around for an apology from them. I’ll emerge anew, I won’t let their words condemn. So I will not worry. I will re-write my story and make them see what you had done to me. If you hate me, it would be like a dream. And I will never be lonely again. Sometimes I wonder why I’m starting over now and why am I cutting the knife.

I’m weary of the lies, it’s time to cut ties. No more compromise. So I want to be alone and I need a new excuse to keep myself right. Because I know you will be back and I may miss you but I can’t try to rekindle broken flames that burned me every chance they received, so once I release the ashes of our past off into the wind, there’s no way we will recapture what we once had. Into the world to create what I cannot change. I am tired of playing this game. I will rise and re-arrange because every time I hear your name I get empty stomach pains because of your broken promises.

“As one chapter of your life comes to a close, always be mindful of your surroundings.” “Remember, there’s always another journey waiting for you just around the corner, and it’s bound to exceed your wildest imagination and expectations.” -Maxwell Xavier-. What happened, has happened. Free your mind from it, you’re about to start a new chapter in your life. Accept this change and move on. I’ve turned the page, embracing life’s new chapter and stage. There has to be an ending for new beginnings, they are both also hard. Be grateful they both exist. I am. “I know you thought the breaking was the most painful chapter.” “It wasn’t.” “Turn the page.” “The next part is much longer. It’s the bealing. The rise.” “The comeback.” “It’s the birth of the new you.” “And it’s not easy.” “But you are strong and brave and worth it.”-Stephanie Bennett-Henry. I know this transformation is painful, but you’re not falling apart; you’re just falling into something different, with a new capacity to be beautiful. This chapter in my life is called: Knowing my worth & acting accordingly. No more settling for less, I know what I deserve. Through the weariness, I’ll rise and find what I deserve. After the long nights, I will find my rebirth because I was the only one who wanted to make things work. The truth is not absurd if it’s the last thing you feel going to hurt. Leaving behind the pain, on a brand new turf. I’ll dust off my dreams and make them shimmer with mirth. I’m focusing on me right now, I’ve done enough for everybody else. I’ll find my peace amidst the chaos and never lose myself. I’ll find a new path, discover the best version of myself in exchange for trouble and distractions. I will not be lost in the noise because I know you are a monster.

The heart says I will find the right one and i’ll push away the truth someday when the sunshine comes, shedding my weary burdens.
I’m just a kid trying to count my own funds.
I feel alive when I think about taking that gamble cause the real thing will come.
I will get myself back on the road two fronts.
I will forget the way i’ve always felt but my frustrations are too much to be mugged
You are so bad I haven’t felt this real however, I will not let you become another page I’m stumped on. It’s time to start a new chapter
And anticipate my life in words. I don’t have faith in god so I keep carrying on and on and on. I will find the strength to keep believing, I would not be fleeting. In the end, he who has lost me will wonder who he’ll laugh with because I will become just another blur. It’s like a cake with no place or no meaning. I can’t wait until the day you doubt everything and regret that you left me.

Everyone’s so keen on giving their opinion
When did it come to be I wasn’t living out of my own volition
To ground when needed
To explore when convenient
I measure up to no one & not where I’m supposed to be
I’m living life at a pace comfortable for me

But sometimes we need a push or more so persuasion
Perhaps it’s my stubbornness
But if I wanted to be farther ahead
My soul would’ve acknowledged submission
Needing to hit the mark right from the start
Perhaps it’s my perfectionism
Regardless of the decision to stay or any attempts for challenges I face
I try as I might & try is enough
For when I succeed I know it’s because the weakest parts did not give up

All else left to a biased perception
But there’s no one better when it comes to my self reflection
Matter of fact add criticism & progression
The only thing I’m in competition with is my inner demons

Not a requirement for one to stay
But my story, my voice will be heard
Not being rushed for the time I take
Nothing left to interpretation
Nothing left to be dismayed

In another timeline it’s already set in stone
Now in this current dimension my person has to find which way to go

It’s through these setbacks & challenges
I’m reminded why I’ve been given this life
To live, to breath, to try as I might
No matter when or how long it takes
It’s only allowed for me to decide

Gentle Giant

Years of naive optimism
Years of confusion
Years of anger
Transformed ashes into beauty

This woman has grown in her empathy
Grown In wisdom
Grown in boundaries
Created purpose out of the ashes

She is a gentle giant

Little songs my mother sings midsentence randomly and out of key,
Little birds swooping across my little purple flowered yard.

Big burps my Big Little sister blurts out,
Big orange lit sunset rays,

Big trees swaying in
Little waves of wind.

“I forgive you”
I heard her say as I watched her open another box and fill it with all the evidence of the person she used to be.
With tears in my eyes I responded with a simple “I’m sorry” and I watched her close the box she just filled and grab another empty one.

I watched her change the last few months, where she was once timid and shy she became outspoken and strong willed. In moments she would back herself in a corner and cower in fear she stepped forward with fight in her eyes. She began fighting for herself. She started to see her worth and I knew she was outgrowing me so I stepped aside. My time with her was coming to end and I allowed it, because I care enough about her that I wanted to see her grow. I wanted to see her find her self worth and beauty all on her own. I knew I was just a stepping stone for her for be able to do that.

We reminisced about the lifetimes before and all the roles she played trying to find her place in the world. Some of them were wonderful memories filled with laughter and late nights and exciting spontaneous adventures. Some of them were sad though, as she remembered all the times her light was dulled and she never felt like she was ever going to be enough. In the latter moments, I reminded her she’s not that person anymore and on this next adventure she’s going to learn so much more about herself.

She started feeling sorry for herself as she thought about the friends that came and went, and the dreams she had that she never was able to make happen. Man she really had some wild big dreams, and they were beautiful to listen to her talk about and watch the spark in her eyes shimmer. I knew some of those dreams, if not all of them, were still very real for her. I reminded her that she’s very capable of making her dream life, that she was just starting a new path of self discovery which could very well be the path she needed to be on all along. To my surprise she agreed.

As she looked back at me one more time she smiled, and we knew we’d never see each other again. With nothing but love and gratitude in our hearts for our time together, she walked away.

She was gone, and I felt an overwhelming and confusing mixture of peace and fear. She was me, and I am her.. and I can’t wait to makere her proud. All I went through when I was “her” wasn’t for nothing. I forgive her.

While this is the 29th chapter that has been written
It’s the first of its kind.

The others
They’re full of marks and underlines

Edits from others
Rewrites from me, however everyone else wanted the character to be

I began writing my story
In 2022

I wrote and I wrote
motifs with new views

Guardedly crafting every line
I picked some new characters
Tried out some new styles

Had a litany of editors
To re-read every other line

This is chapter 29
The first of its kind

I’ve retired my editors
Publish without a reread
I’m not afraid of spelling errors
Their a part of me

If you don’t like my book
You don’t have to read
I write what I need

This chapter is meaningful
It;s authentically me.

Dear future Me,

I’m so fucking excited to see you
and be you—but I gotta say,
being where I am—right here,
and right now—is more than OK.

I love that I’m learning to pray
through pleasure and play.

I love that I’m learning that in all ways, everything is working out for me always.

I am trusting in the process
and working with faith,
finally proud of my progress
enough to say:

that doing the best I can,
and trusting in a greater plan
is really enough for me.

I truly understand
there is nothing greater than
giving myself love—it makes me free.

What I love most about
this moment right now
is that I’m recognizing how
it all works out—
what it’s all about:

It’s so easy to truly See
when I stop to breathe and Be.
Despite conditions, I can stay free—
by being me, unconditionally.